Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Today, I was playing with my four year-old cousin. He had a toy whale and said, "Shark!" I corrected him and told him it was a whale. He picked it up, threw it at my face, and yelled, "SHAAARK!" FML
Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML
Today, we decided to go to an aquarium for a little family get-away. At the end was a shark viewing deck, and I leaned over the rails to get a better look. How did I find out that my glasses needed to be adjusted? They fell off and sunk right to the bottom of the shark-infested waters. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
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Top comments
eeppiicc 8
Eating her would have solved that problem.
Sunyboy 12
Shark week is beast.
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Comments (128)
I_Punch_Babies 7
wow...just wow
Jonkbaby 23
dump his as!!!
eeppiicc 8
7, But the word as is important in the English language.
Keevarou 17
Haven't you heard that the bird is the word?>:3
dude1122332 9
-Peter Griffin. Wisdom words.
JocelynKaulitz 28
You should know, sharks don't take shit from nobody. Eat her!
eeppiicc 8
14, I feel like #3 said something similar to that, but I'm not quite sure..
igive 29
14 if you know what i mean....
dude1122332 9
17, I'm with you on that.. Just can't think why.. -scrolls down-
siickman 7
So this dumb FML gets posted but mine doesnt. I really wonder who generates all these FML's and question what the actual **** are they doing over there. -.-
AnwarK95 1
I'm quite surprised no one made a "Shark Week" period-related joke yet...
beelee1988 13
7- her*
Trix_Disorder 20
13 - It's a real song.
Bobissmall 13
Despite terrible spelling and wrong gender(?) I sort of have to agree with #7. Reverse the roles for a moment, girl jokes she's a shark, guy pokes her in the eyes and punches her. Wouldn't you all be telling her to break it off?
xactownife 7
13 - The bird was the word long before Family Guy existed
julien672 0
This from the person whose username involves punching babies.
omg36 7
Why would you say you're a shark as a joke? What are you six?
acrawf4244 4
Naw shiz...
Sunyboy 12
Shark week is beast.
crazykid300 6
**** ya it is
iFizzgig 11
Sharks! they only bite when you touch their private parts!
tjv3 10
OP I think I love your girlfriend lol
buckstop1 37
That's a little on the creepy side mate
eeppiicc 8
Eating her would have solved that problem.
exleonhart 0
You sly boots you...
FMLshark 12
Already done. She was a little salty.
toenibbler 14
I've told you before and I'll tell you again: toes are the better option.
FMLshark 12
Toes have no meat, 36. :( I prefer ribs. I'll save the toes so you can nibble them.
RedPillSucks 33
I'm having fun imagining what the definition of "Eating" might be. Why the hell are there 2 #1 comments?
Cartera 10
31 - your bio is inspiring.
onlychildFTW 34
Don't sharks like it a little fishy? Haha.
KingCeltic77 18
I would eat her. I'd eat her real well.
mannykatany 9
Haha
angeluv_2014 22
Oh Red, what about Kitty??!
Yousuck24 21
Your girlfriend sounds like a funny person.
ummmhii 0
I love Shark Week. FYL for not watching it.
dude1122332 9
You should've. Probably would've learned something.
ThisIsMyReign 4
Like where the period does and does not go?
dude1122332 9
DONT CORRECT MY ERRORS. Thanks and enjoy your flight.(:
exleonhart 0
Caps will deffinately convey your demands even better, when followed by a unrelated statement.
skizzars 2
Definitely*
smilz2u 0
She got ya there hehe :)
ICastillo 25
Well shark week is awesome!!! And at least she knows how to defend herself against a shark.
RawEndo 1
Lmfao shark with no bite
klovemachine 24
If the girlfriend is the size of a whale, then this FML becomes even funnier :D
SqueakyChipmunk 22
What's funny is that the poke in the eyes and nose punch remind me so much of The Three Stooges.
AugustBurnsToast 14
Tell her you're a stingray?
exleonhart 0
Steve Irwin... Is that you?
Trisha_aus 15
RIP Steve...we miss ya! Although none of us talked like him..crikey!!