Today, my girlfriend looked me straight in the eye and said, "I know about the sea turtles." I asked her what she was talking about and she said, "Next time, shut up or I'll show you pain." I have no idea what she's talking about. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Shark Week
Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML
Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML
Strange flex, but OK
Today, I was talking to this girl who I thought was really nice. We were having an amazing conversation, and as we stared deeply in one another's eyes, she asked me, "Has anyone ever seen you take a shit?" She then began telling me the story of when someone watched her. FML
Today, while I was sleeping, apparently I rolled over towards my fiancé and told him "We gotta save the turtles!" and had a five seconds long fart. Now he won't stop making fun of me. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML
Healthy relationship
Today, I yelled at my girlfriend for something trivial. Instead of yelling back, she was scarily calm and said, "Remember, I’ve got 50 lbs on you. Yell at me again and I’ll lay a pillow on your face and sit on it until you’re dead." I think she might mean it. FML
Jonah begs to differ
Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML
Today, while I was cuddling with my girlfriend, she looked at me and leaned in. Thinking she was going to kiss me, I leaned too. Just as we were about to kiss, she screamed "COW KISSES" and somehow managed to lick my eyeball. FML
Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML
Top comments
Cavebone 5
I'd shut up next time.
MR_RODSQUAD 11
Tell her that you know about the crabs.
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Comments (107)
Cavebone 5
I'd shut up next time.
skyenoelle 15
Hopefully she doesn't say it again? I wonder if she was just joking..
lex1459 38
You don't joke about sea turtles.
StalkerChick 13
That threat was pretty awesome. I might have to use that sometime ^_^
iseyixes 18
Next time? Why would there be a next time? Break up with her so there isn't a next time.
SApprentice 34
21- Ah, yes. The 'break up with them' crowd. I was wondering when one of you would rear your ugly head.
annie_nk 23
But the problem with shutting up is if OP actually did, she'd get mad anyway because she didn't successfully fish out the confession she was expecting.
sens3sfailing 25
I can't stand when people assume break ups are the plausible solution in these just wtf moment FML's. are you in ******* 3rd grade?! Have you no regard for the way the world really works?! Sorry, sorry...got too worked up...weeeelll, maybe not
cranky_pants 8
True, we don't have all the details here, and exceptions abound, but it seems to me that in most cases, serious threats of physical violence -- especially with no explanations behind them -- are a perfect justification for terminating a relationship. Imagine this situation but with the genders reversed. I don't think you would be taking it so lightly.
sens3sfailing 25
Actually I would still think there is not enough info to justify a break up if the roles were reversed. I honestly could see plenty of people saying this as a joke. If a man would make that threat it's most likely not the first time violence has appeared in his deposition and would then would justify a break up. But off of one thing like that...guys don't go around making threats to women like that and mean them but only do it once ever.
cranky_pants 8
Please note that I said "serious threats of physical violence" (as opposed to "comical threats of physical violence"), and that I allowed for other circumstances (e.g., was she high?). That said, the terse details provided by the OP imply that this was meant to be interpreted as a serious threat ("looked me straight in the eye", "I have no idea what she's talking about"), as opposed to an empty threat or a joke. I'm all for having a twisted sense of humor (I like to think that I possess one myself), but in order to make jokes like this to someone, you should be extremely confident that that person knows you well enough to at least suspect that it is a joke. I agree, it's naive to advise someone to dump their significant other based on a mere 234-character testimony and no context, but I (as a life-long serial monogamist, now happily married) think that most people don't see (and/or act upon) the warning signs of doomed relationships early enough, although they can seem like obvious red flags in hindsight. Serious threats of violence, even if empty or said in bluff (i.e., meant as emotional manipulation), qualify as such a red flag, IMHO. If the OP can't trust her with his sea turtles, he shouldn't trust her with his testicles.
stargazur 9
Ah, someone on here who can type like they have a brain. The was refreshing
Axipiter 24
No kidding 94. 92, I expect great things from you in this online community.
sens3sfailing 25
92-so you agreed with me...thanks for the explination of why we both believe serious theats of violence are unhealthy and should be cause for immediate termination of a relationship. what you are not seeing though is you simply do not get that some people give themselves a chuckle by making them seriously think you are upset over something obnoxious. if you interprete it as a serious threat, it does not mean automatically that it was a serious threat. people can change the way they approach jokes to mess with a companion in a new, scary, funny way. you basically agreed with me then disagreed with me because you assumed conditions. it could be right for this relationship to end if it was a serious threat, but given that sea turtles were involved, it was probably a joke that went over OP's head.
crazy4books23 13
I'm just as confused as you are.
onlychildFTW 34
She sounds a bit crazy. I wish FMLs could be longer to get more of this story! It could have an interesting back story.
annie_nk 23
That'd be an interesting feature. Maybe a link after the FML or have it on the submitters profile (if they have one).
Cartera 10
First the giraffe rebellion, now this?! (penguinz0 reference)
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Oh god!! Obviously she knows OP helped Jack Sparrow escape that island.
Meenah_fml 4
Stop banging sea creatures while you're drunk and she won't show you pain.
dude1122332 9
That was one time, I was drunk and the turtle was my ride home.
PROdigy81 4
Haha Meenah Banging sea creatures
thelindseyyy 4
This is amazing.
littlemsweirdo 12
I cant understand how this is anything even close to amazing.
coolboy675 16
That's what she said
boofgall 16
Maybe OP cheated on her and that's some kind of slang she's using because she found out? This is just merely a wild guess.
Chanti_fml 26
Is your girlfriend Xena, the Warrior Princes by any chance?
SApprentice 34
I don't blame you for your sea turtle affair, OP. Those leatherbacks are damn sexy.
klovemachine 24
Ah yeah :D
Trisha_aus 15
And endangered :( poor turtles
MR_RODSQUAD 11
Tell her that you know about the crabs.
sinner92 4
Nice! Lol
Pleonasm 36
Better check that your girlfriend isn't a fanatic for sea turtles before you host your annual Real Life Mario Kart Race with your friends.
honeybadgerr 9
Those exist?!? Whoa. I have so much yet to experience in this life
littlemsweirdo 12
She sounds ******* psycotic. Yeah, next time I'd shut up.
SpiritOfFire 8
Did she still have zombie makeup on since Halloween because I think she likes turtles.
littlemsweirdo 12
What the hell are you trying to even say?
Tzofi 11
I think OP is the turtle lover here, not his girlfriend. But for the record, I did get the reference. Thanks for the laugh :P.
annie_nk 23
There's a YouTube video of a little boy on the news who says "I like turtles" when asked some Halloween related question. Completely off topic yet totally cute (and funny).
wlddog 14
It was also featured on Tosh.0