Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says, "Wow, this is just too funny." FML
Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML
Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML
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Top comments
jamalamadingdong 18
Maybe the nutcracker suite would have been more appropriate?
moonboobs 4
Jingle balls?
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Comments (121)
jamalamadingdong 18
Maybe the nutcracker suite would have been more appropriate?
LanaViolin 10
Lmao.
free2speak 14
Nutcracker is pretty much spot-on. You nailed it, #1.
Inheritance 10
How ironic would it be if OP was wearing those "jingle my bells" boxers.
Eelam_star 2
Hey, now you will be shooting blanks so you save money on condoms
OhAidan 7
38- You ain't no Pleonasm!
Eelam_star 2
44, how does Pleonasm's ass taste? I admit he is good at puns but that does not mean others cant try it. Plus, how could some one get good if they don't practise?
LaLince 40
#1: you nailed it!
redmane 21
72- Whoa, chill out. Breathe, it'll all be okay. Now that you've calmed down, how's your butt? Does it still hurt?
sens3sfailing 25
*refills 84's supply chill pills for strangers free of charge*
moonboobs 4
72- dude you are too thirsty...
moonboobs 4
Jingle balls?
TourettesGuyFTW 26
Jungle bills?
ASD_K 11
Deck the balls.
BrimfullOfAsher 20
Chestnuts roasting on an open fire?
sens3sfailing 25
Here cums Santa balls...
kathuzada 6
Frosty the noman, If you didnt get it because his ball wont work
tsent8 15
Last Christmas you wrecked my balls the very next day they bruised away so this year to Save me from tears il just jerk off by myself.
mimi_animee 18
Jingle balls
aw3som3sauc3 10
I feel as though you were in QUITE the hurry to get first comment, hell, the comment before you at least added punctuation!
mimi_animee 18
I didn't feel it was necessary to put punctuation and I don't really care about being first sorry ....
free2speak 14
3-- never and I repeat, never, think it is "okay" to skip out on punctuation. And in future, don't excuse your blunder by saying you didn't think it was necessary, you're just going to get downvoted into oblivion. Brace yourself, the negatives are about to hit you with full force!
kotana191 8
Did u just read the comment above you, think it was clever and decide to copy it? Or were you just too stupid to check before hand to see if anyone posted the same thing before you?
OhAidan 7
31- Maybe before she clicked comment, the preceding comment wasn't there? Edit : Haha, just like my comment. Well done, 35.
mimi_animee 18
Dear god this is why I don't comment often. Sorry I didn't put any punctuation. Also there were no comments when I went to say that so no I didn't copy the person above.
ash1rose 11
Great minds think alike :) Don't sweat the haters. It happens to everyone.
cristy91 33
It's okay, 37. I've been on this site since 2009 and usually don't comment for that reason. Just dont let the attackers bum you out, they don't matter. It's not like future employers are going to look at your commenting history here and say "Hmm. On Dec. 2nd they forgot to use punctuation. Clearly they do not understand anything in the English language. To the employee grammar dungeon!"
free2speak 14
Why the **** are people down voting a reasonable comment? This is why this website sucks. I've had comments that were voted into 100 and into negatives. I'm going to go cry myself to sleep now (sarcasm for the dumb wits who need clarification).
Trix_Disorder 20
Woah, the animosity in this thread is palatable... Over nothing. *welcomes myself to the internet*
lsfactor 4
I down-voted you too. Enjoy your sarcastic cry!
BlueFlatts 20
Clearly you bashers know what your talking about cause you haven't been "down-voted to oblivion" and she's not at zero at the time of my posting. Some people are just clueless.
rocker_chick105 31
Jesus people she commented like not even half a minute after the person before her relax! And what punctuation did she have to use? Who pissed in (some of) your Cheerios today?! (To the people who were actually kind, well done) And maybe people down voted you because you sound like a brat
moonboobs 4
Dear 3 and everyone whose hating on 3, I'm not mad, niether should you. Merry Chritsmas, 2
moonboobs 4
PS: if your ever unsure about your gramar, post a comment a wait. Works better than spell check ;)
Hannahbanana95 8
Atleast she was having fun(: lol
ICastillo 25
It's not very fun to get your nuts smashed though...
MrDarkangel0094 5
Got a phone
Hannahbanana95 8
Yeah why
Hannahbanana95 8
I didn't mean it in a mean way I mean atleast she wasn't some boring girl..
Hannahbanana95 8
Came out wrong:(
OhAidan 7
Edit, edit, edit.
Hannahbanana95 8
Thanx...
DCvRkey2012 7
Certaintly not boring at all.. But personally I'm not into getting hurt there!
Hannahbanana95 8
Ur supposed to agree with me Christian! :(
Hannahbanana95 8
Omg ppl stop hating! It came out wrong!! My god!!
Hannahbanana95 8
This is why I barely comment on stuff :,(
ICastillo 25
#102 if people thumb your comment down who cares. Can't please everybody around here. Now watch how many thumb downs this comment gets.
Hannahbanana95 8
Doubt ur comment will get thumbs down..
Hannahbanana95 8
But thanx(:
flushedaway 8
That's why it always helps to have a safety word
aw3som3sauc3 10
The only "safe word" that I can think of here is "ow!"
jess_isamess 5
Pineapples
JoeGrant 12
69- Damn you! I was going to comment that haha. Kevin Hart!
aw3som3sauc3 10
God DAMMIT! It's not even Christmas season yet! But, hey, at least you're getting some action! On the other hand, you probably wish you weren't...
cassie13091 10
How is it not Christmas season yet?
0RedPenguin0 8
Actually, the season began December first.
aw3som3sauc3 10
Well, I suppose, but I consider it to start the week of Christmas, on account of my blinding hatred of Christmas themed songs...
OhAidan 7
Oh it's Christmas season alright! I already ate the first chocolate out of my Spider-Man calendar!
free2speak 14
Christmas season started as soon as thanksgiving ended. At least, according to the retailers.
cristy91 33
I'm pretty sure it started the day of, considering stores like Walmart opened at 5 pm.
heygirlie777 21
If we're going with the retailers, it started after Halloween.
BlueFlatts 20
Never go by the retailers, because yeah, it started after Halloween seeing as how Thanksgiving doesn't bring in that much profit. Can you say Kaching! I agree with Dec. 1 although Christmas music does start to get annoying when every radio station I listen to plays it or is on commercial. But you got to look on the bright side to what Christmas is all about.
surimf 7
No, if you're going with the retailers it started in September.
crushedone 7
At least she wasn't humming "Bohemian Rhapsody".
CheeseTron 15
His balls would be grapefruits
onlychildFTW 34
They would be smashed.
MidnaLink 35
Bohemian Rhapsody? He's lucky it wasn't "Through the Fire and Flames" (guitar hero version, on expert)
xXxIracebethxXx 14
#65 - Guitar Hero version? Isn't it the same as the original version...?
MidnaLink 35
Just the number of notes alone...
0RedPenguin0 8
She sounds like one smashing girlfriend. You should crack down on this behavior before it gets out of hand, though.
LaLince 40
lol
Boston_4_Life 3
You should of grapped her nipples and twisted them. Only true way of revenge.
Rddvl 11
My god! It's not like she smashed OP's balls on purpose!
aw3som3sauc3 10
I agree, there HAS to be better ways to get revenge! I mean that's just cruel!
DCvRkey2012 7
I didn't know there was a true and false way to serve revenge. Anyways, Revenge won't solve anything in this FML.
happle 21
14, if OP does that, he will never have sex again.
Majohnston93 1
That's a good way to get punched in the face!
ICastillo 25
At least she didn't do something related to the song "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" kind if deal. That would be bad.