Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job. As I reached my climax, she thought it would be funny to turn my 'weapon' against me. Boom, headshot. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying, "Milk the penis… Miiiiilk the penis…" FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm. It was great until mid-gasm when she swung her arm out and knocked me out. She still can't stop laughing. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided to bribe me to be good since we were going out to dinner with her parents by giving me a blowjob. The good news: it was one of the best she had ever given. The bad news: I came on her black dress. She responded by hitting in me in the nuts. Hard. FML
Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML
Today, I was trying to get my boyfriend in the mood so I held his hands against the bed, and whispered, "Have you been a bad boy?" Thinking he'd say something kinky back, he replied "Yes Santa" then burst out laughing. FML
Today, while giving my girlfriend a back-rub, she moaned and commented, "If only you could fuck this well." FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says, "Wow, this is just too funny." FML
Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML
Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML
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Top comments
jamalamadingdong 18
Maybe the nutcracker suite would have been more appropriate?
moonboobs 4
Jingle balls?
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Comments (121)
KY_Jelly 10
Doesn't matter had sex. But seriously, ouch. Next time finger her to 'O Christmas Tree'?
ICastillo 25
Or Op can Give her the "Shocker" or the "Barbwire".
onlychildFTW 34
It doesn't sound like fun sex. Sounds painful.
watermelon1 35
Love the name, OP!
HortonThelephant 15
Anytime you are receiving a handjob is NEVER a fml. Ask her for a hummer.
aw3som3sauc3 10
I think this is an exception to that rule, he had his nuts smashed to the same place #3 is going to be downvoted to... Oblivion...
aw3som3sauc3 10
Damn it! I chose the wrong comment, and the window to fix the comment has closed... In any event, it is a rather interesting name for the Original Poster to have, almost as if his FML was all planned out... CONSPIRACY I SAY!
aw3som3sauc3 10
I feel as though literally anything would have made him feel better than that... I mean, that's terrible...
SoylentCandycorn 10
OP's girlfriend really needs to have a bit of restraint. She's pleasuring her significant other, not opening a jar of pickles.
watermelon1 35
You usually smash a jar of pickles with your palm when you're trying to open it?
SoylentCandycorn 10
If it's that stubborn a lid and I'm that hungry, then yes, yes, I do. What I'm trying to say is that you should generally take more care with your other half's genitals then you do with uncooperative snack containers.
the_enigma1019 1
"today I got a handjob"... I don't think your life is THAT ******, especially if she didn't slap you hard.
0RedPenguin0 8
FMLs don't have to be about people's lives getting ruined. Just their balls.
chocolateisyum 12
Come on, you got a hand job anyway?
FalconSam1414 19
Your username, LOL!!! :'D
poindexter25 5
Who cares if your balls swell up to 3 times there normal size, you got a hand job. Tell me what's better than having someone else do your masturbating for you, (besides sex) because it can be a pain in the ass
MalloryKnox 8
I'll tell you what's better... Making an unintentional (but awesomely relevant and hilarious) reference to How the Grinch Stole Christmas! "His small heart grew three sizes that day!" And if it was intentional then you have my apologies you sly dog ;)
TheLadyOpal 30
She just wanted to roast your chestnuts, OP.