Today, my cat tried to kill me. While I was sleeping, he put his paws on either side of my face and laid down, covering my nose and mouth. While I was struggling to free myself, I could hear my sister laughing next to me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML
Today, I was lying in bed with my cat. I must have looked at him the wrong way or something, because he hissed and savagely clawed at my face without warning. FML
Today, I awoke to my cat sitting on my chest. That wouldn't be so bad if I hadn't tried to get her off. She promptly went crazy and scratched me. My fiancée, who was sleeping next to me, hit me, called me cruel, and told me to apologize to the cat. I did. FML
Today, my cat was laying on my chest while I was in bed. I farted, which my closed legs seemed to amplify. My cat was so scared, she used me as a launching pad and cut my chest in three places with her claws. FML
Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML
Today, I noticed my kitten was growling and twitching in his sleep. I tried to wake him up by gently prodding him. He responded by waking up and attacking my face. FML
Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML
Today, I got a kitten. She decided to sleep on my bed, waking me up periodically during the night by biting my face to make sure I was still alive. FML
Today, I was messing with my cat by moving my hand around under the sheets to make it look like a mouse, making him pounce at it. Without thinking, I brought my hand up to scratch my nose and was immediately attacked by flailing claws. FML
Today, while I was trying to get to sleep, I heard a strange noise coming from the bunk bed above mine. I looked up to see what it was and my cat vomited over the edge, onto my face. FML
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Top comments
DaleksAreEpic 0
I bet your cat is secretly a hired assassin.
catnip216 0
This is why cats are awesome.
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Comments (154)
BabyLuis 0
why was ur sister laughing??
ConfusionsLoveMe 0
She was making fun of him , Einsein .
anorexicbarbie 8
Einsein?
Insane_Tea 15
^^Awesome job making yourself look like idiot. Your making the OP look like he's not all that pathetic.
ConfusionsLoveMe 0
@17 *Einstein . It's called a typo , but if you weren't smart enough to figure out that I meant Einstein , then , well ... that would be a BIT awkward .
WhiteFlagWarrior 2
She was laughing because that's the only pussy he's ever gotten.
anorexicbarbie 8
33 What's up with your punctuation, "Einsein"? Seriously though, stop trying to be an Internet tough guy/girl/alien, it just makes you look stupid.
Renesaga 8
43- I'd just like to point out that you're cool, since your grammar is (as far as I can tell) pretty accurate. And your picture is your Shepard from ME2. I love that game.
YtotsDI 0
y was she beside him in the first place!!
zendaddy0 0
if you ever get in a staring contest with it for the love of god don't look away it marks you as weak
danielleeycakes 3
I thought the name Michelle was a girls name..?
bigvic3767 1
I was just gonna say that they need to read more
Thanatos1206 0
F**k yeah Seaking!!
gunman15 4
no better question why was his sister next to him while he sleeps
Iskaria 0
HER (Michelle AKA OP) sister probably sleeps in the same room as her. Frigging heck people are slow.
jobint_fml 0
no joke 91.. ppl here are slowwww
lindsaymiedema 4
91, if you are going to say frigging heck, don't, just say the real words because you sound so stupid.
Iskaria 0
114 I can say whatever the shit I want
CRiiSPY_fml 0
lol you ******* fail at life! XD
BabeSaint 0
YbuLast time I checked Michelle is a girls name ******* jackasses so lay off!!! They probably share a room...
Unlucky_Gun 0
Well obviously 17 knew you meant Einstein, but it's just ironic how you're basically calling someone dumb and spelling Einstein's name wrong in the process
Unlucky_Gun 0
There's nothing wrong with the grammar, it's just spaced out. Anyway, who cares? You being a bent out of shape grammar Nazi doesn't make you look like an idiot? Yeah it does.. It definitely doesn't make you look any tougher, cooler, etc...
iSitt 0
you got teabagged
testthecoal 5
this sounds like the intro to a porno >.>
WhiteFlagWarrior 2
You would know...
LifeSucksbtw 0
who wouldn't know
iSitt 0
you got teabagged
karo_mit_k 11
my cat does that all the time haha
zach205 24
Why would you laugh at a murderous cat
bassplayer27 0
Maybe it was after a snot monster!
DaleksAreEpic 0
I bet your cat is secretly a hired assassin.
rawrsofi 5
WIN.
sutherlandrb32 0
my question is why were you sleeping next to your sister?
raisin31408 0
EXACTLY what i was thinking!!!!
keyzer11 0
pussy on his face and he could hear his sister laughing? this makes me even more suspicious.
yourmurderscenex 13
I'm guessing the OP is a female because of the name "Michelle" as the username. Also she could have fallen asleep on the couch and that's why her sister was next to her when she woke up.
markdeshin 3
I was going to post exactly the same question.?? weird as
Avenged7Gabe 0
she never said she was sleeping next to her sister retard, she said she was "around her"
ReyJrX 0
hey "retard" read it again. it says " I heard my sister laughing next to me". nowhere does it says around.
dancer0721 0
hey "retard" next to could mean that she was standing next to her. or it could mean that the one being attacked could have been on the couch and the sister was standing next to the couch. smart one.
gunnar7240 0
Or it could mean sleeping next to.
writergirl23 19
Or it could mean sleeping in another bed next to.
xNephilim 19
Or maybe they decided to have a little slumber party? My sister and me dragged my mattress into the living room before to have one, just for the heck of it.
ohmygoodnex 0
Well, you can't blame her, that's hilarious. Don't get your life get taken by a cat.
TheDrifter 24
I wondered that too. I'll give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she was simply there to teach the cat new assassination tricks.
catnip216 0
This is why cats are awesome.
meowmeowwkitty 0
not if you have allergies! that'd make for a bad day. ps nice picture, crazy catwoman?
btchzz69 0
<3
koolkat27 13
64- don't be hatin on cats, cats are the best things in the world! and just because you have a picture of your cat doesn't make you a crazy catwoman.
ExtremeEncounter 32
Cats are sadistic assholes. Hate 'em.
jackien1 6
Hahahaha. that's hilarious. but sad for you.
burriedinskin 0
haha their weak.