Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my 14-year-old son showed me a "bird's egg" he was looking after in his room. It was a dried up dog turd. FML
Today, I was staying at a hotel and had a night terror. I woke up, yelled, "Fuck!" and realized I had shit the bed. I'd woken up my teenage daughter, who now knows I shit the bed in the middle night. FML
Today, my son pooped in his diaper and managed to somehow take it off without my knowledge. He then sat down on the carpet and imitated a dog with worms, all the way down the hallway, through the living room, and into my bedroom. FML
Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML
Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year-old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML
Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML
Today, my one year-old took his diaper off and peed on my chest while I was sleeping. FML
Today, my 3-year-old fell asleep in our bed while cuddling me, and I let him stay since he was being so sweet. In the middle of the night, he took off his pants and pissed all over my head and back. FML
Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML
Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML
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Top comments
zingline89 18
He was just trying to make breakfast in bed.
truesarrif 33
hopefully it was more hardboiled than scrambled
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Comments (87)
oj101 33
Don't get too egged off.
oj101 33
I wouldn't be too egg-static about it either, but you need to egg-cept the situation, hardboil up, and scoop up the runny mess.
ViRepz 28
That's a shitty situation you got there. Ok, now no one can use that in this FML. Egg puns are a welcome.
oj101 33
#12 - I could've put in shituation, but it doesn't mean you should. The FML community is not very forgiving on shit(ty) puns.
ViRepz 28
Thus why I thought I would bite the bullet and get it over and done with. I hope no one will be tempted to shituate more.
Pwn17 25
So much, 36. By the way, I don't know who ate your username, but your profile pic looks rather tasty....
TheCanucklehead 22
I'll tell you this much. Op had to clean up that rotten, stinky and broken egg
fml1365 30
Little kids can be quite something else sometime.
Ziggyboo 10
1, that's an eggs-tremely good egg-ecution of that pun.
martin8337 36
no shat, sherlock .
tacojauns 45
that was not eggecuted very well...
goldenturtlez 7
It was rather scrambled...
zingline89 18
He was just trying to make breakfast in bed.
RoboCunnilingus 23
It was a chocolate egg.
wilber245 16
I hope he did'nt eat it.
truesarrif 33
hopefully it was more hardboiled than scrambled
JE553 9
And god help you if it was a whole omelet
j_cat187 20
Perhaps it was over easy but with a sloppy broken yoke.
Kkkdawg 27
It's yolk.
PeaceIsFree 9
Don't be too hard boiled on him
Redoxx_fml 22
Cockle doodle doodie
kathryn14 19
If you're a bird, I'm a bird
Redoxx_fml 22
Well technically you are a chick
adrenalx42 2
Will you suck my ****?
Bano360 25
In Ireland, women are referred to as birds sometimes by certain people. "Are you still going out with that bird?".
doodlecloud 27
In Ireland? I thought that was kinda in most of the English speaking world?
ViRepz 28
At least it wasn't a watermelon!
tehman117 21
How does this help the op?
Uramonkey 11
29 - A smaller mess to clean up.
SolarFlare 20
I'm happy for the boy it wasn't a watermelon!!
ViRepz 28
#29 if you prefer to clean up a poo the size of a watermelon, cudos.
CallMeWindSock 24
Nobody say anything about how shitty the situation was
mattrd_fml 31
Yes, #12 did.
JE553 9
The first rule about shitty situation puns is you do not talk about shitty situation puns
Olympiakos10 15
Is that what the kids are calling them these days? Next time I ask for eggs I guess I better think twice.
challan 19
Hopefully they won't egg your house!