Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
bridgetheartsyou 0
hahahahaha. sucks for you. you should demand sex.
TrollGrammarNazi 0
I see no Fml clearly she understands the needs of non-sexually active teens. And knows all girls have to fill a void(pun intended)
Turnip_Girl 0
Sex with someone you love, right?
redbluegreen 41
Um, that's...hot?
ohshitcock 0
omg quit your bitching that's a nice gift. don't take it the wrong way like a douchebag.
bluebladez 0
lol #4 you sound special
califormula 0
I agree!
verlorenerFall 8
Yeah, it's a "nice" way of saying, "go **** yourself (because I no longer want to)."
Praesse 0
Your wife's hilarious!
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Wogg_fml 0
Yes, there's the case where the partner does the work for you :)
i8thelastcookeii 0
judging by ur picture, u r so ugly ur probably a virgin.
smartalek 2
holy crap you're so ugly! :O
xleanne_aLly 23
and judging by your about me + comment, you're just a stupid prep obsessed with FML. get the helll off here and make some real friends. b*tch.
RebekahBrooke 9
ha. ha. ^ its from this month. people stop to comment on your ugliness. :) im sorry. :c
nahgemoohc 17
^-female dog move right there.
how_to_implode 17
"Mutual masturbation" - when you both touch each other's fun bits.
OmgItsAnaBeatriz 0
Have Fun! :D Lol XD....
Glam_fml 0
Ouch. It would seem to me that a) you are bad in bed and she just can't put up with it anymore b) she's not attracted to you or c) she has a medical problem that makes sex not enjoyable for her. I personally would ask her why she gave it to you.. Who knows, maybe she was just trying to be nice, but it seems like it was more of a hint to me..
1mn0tm1cha3l 0
Was it a fleshlight? You should be thanking her if it was, and not complaining on a website.
rakethewidower 0
I was going to ask the same thing!
fretforyerlatte 0
maybe she just wants to spice it up a little. using toys together is even more fun!