Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
Nakedsquirrel 5
"Self-masturbation"? "********** myself?" Pretty redundant there. No one masturbates someone else.
Tamim_ibn_Aqa 0
You should use it so often that she'll start to get jealous. Maybe her drive will go up and/or she'll want more. Couldn't hurt, either way. Unless you're prone to chafing. :)
GrapefruitZoe 0
#65, we've gone through this. You're wrong.
BikerMike 0
Tell her you want to give her a facial and then use it and blow a wad in her face
Sjolie 0
Her mouth is a masturbation toy.
GrapefruitZoe 0
WOULD EVERYONE STOP BEATING UP ON THE WIFE? THAT WAS NICE OF HER, AND IF THE HUSBAND IS TOO SELFISH TO SEE IT, HE NEEDS IT EVEN MORE!
ohhhhshizzz 0
#65: Do you READ the comments before you post, buddy? You are NOT right. OP: Maybe, your wife has to go on a big trip for her job but it isn't for sure and she doesn't wanna jinx you so she's getting you prepared. IDK, just a thought. Anyway, at least you have a new sex toy!
rallets 23
so whats the problem?
Burner2K0 0
Great when your not getting any! :)
mylifeisfuckedd 0
#16 its actually the opposite of an oxymoron