Today, it was my birthday, and my wife gave me a sex toy for self-masturbation. She even showed me how to properly use it so I can masturbate myself. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, It was my birthday and my friends came to celebrate it. My parents thought it would be funny to give me a vibrator in front of everybody. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife took me to my favorite restaurant for dinner. She made me pay for my birthday dinner, along with hers. She also got me a gift card to HER favorite store. FML
Today, it's was my birthday. My wife did not get me anything or do anything for me. Instead, she said, "I'll knock an extra day off your sex ban." Sadly, this is probably the nicest thing she's done for my birthday in several years. FML
Today, my mother found my sex toys. To make me "feel better" she showed me hers. FML
Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML
Today, my girlfriend gave me a blow-up doll and told me to practice. FML
Today, my wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said sex. She told me to grow up and ask for something more realistic. FML
Today, I celebrated my 21st birthday. My boyfriend of almost 3 years gave me a big pink vibrator. Thinking it was a joke I said: "I won't need this as long as I have you!" His reply: "That's what I wanted to talk to you about." FML
Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML
Today, my mother opened her birthday gift in front of my entire family. Two days ago, I ordered an essential oil diffuser and flesh light from Amazon. Guess which one she got? FML
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Top comments
AndelleRae 9
Self-masturbation? Is there any other kind? Lol. I'm sorry. I'm not usually a grammar Nazi on these websites, but I felt like being a smart ass. Maybe she got it for you to spice things up in your sex life? She might like the idea of you using it. I don't know. I don't really think this is an FML, but I'm sorry that you were unhappy with it.
Eresbel 0
This isn't an FML, this is just an idiot who doesn't realize what a nice wife he has. She doesn't have to have sex with you whenever you want, but she still wants you to be happy and satisfied, so she buys you an aid to help you out whenever she can't. That's thoughtful and kind. F your wife's life because she's got such a prick for a husband.
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Comments (147)
divine_fml 0
Nice one #2! Haha!
thisishilarious 0
your wife is a ****
plexico 4
What a sweet lady! My wife just tell me to leave her alone and go do it with my bare hand!
nicoooface 0
hahha, well get the hint dude.
pasiphae9 5
Thats a great prezzie. What are you complaining about?
Hey_Darl 0
What a slap in the face, maybe you were that bad in bed, maybe your wife though it'd be a good idea for you to practice on your very own fleshlight! Expect her to be cheating on you with some Hispanic plumber named Chavo. He's a nice man. I kinda miss him... :( oh and YDI.
fearbeforeme 0
On the brightside: your wife has no problem with the idea of you masterbating around her. Some women freak out when they find their so still masterbates.
Ilovelife07 0
dude, that rules, i hope it was a fleshlight
Random_Poster 0
Be glad b/c she's probably an enormous sweaty beast anyway. close your eyes and dream of Meagan Fox.
maedoc 0
@ 6, 13, 15, etc.. Learn how to use words! Masturbation is not just done by one's self. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/masturbation 1. the stimulation or manipulation of one's own genitals, esp. to ******; sexual self-gratification. 2. the stimulation, by manual or other means exclusive of coitus, of another's genitals, esp. to ******. He was just being specific. Stop being such pricks.