Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air, and thought to myself, "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year-old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML
Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML
Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML
Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML
Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML
Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML
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Top comments
fireice22 0
Toy story?
ZX6Rninja 0
Sounds like they were the ones who had a glorious morning.
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Comments (164)
fireice22 0
Toy story?
ilovesuju 10
that actually reminds me of suit life on decks Woody character, and an image i wish i never imagined.
SparkleyTurtle 4
No, silly! Her husband!!
soccergurrll 8
Oh my god no. Thanks for the image #14
ilovesuju 10
ikr, i wish i wouldnt have thought of it either #scarredforlife
tbmtbm1 0
Ohhhh.... Giggity
TarieBoo 2
22- don't expect to get thumbed up if you put those kind of comments out._.
Damn_Hippster 11
I wonder if it was a threesome and Buzz Lightyear was there...
reddawn1985 12
So your mom was bullseye and your dad was woody
skullofdarkness 18
No, woody the wood pecker. :)
togahanavee 1
Your my favorite deputy!
maosquare 18
Toy Story is a meditation on the sexual awakening of a young boy. Andy's favourire toy, Woody, goes limp when he sees the likes of Bo Beep. At this moment, enters Buzz Lightyear, an electrical toy designed to bring you to infinity and beyond. Woody's life becomes better.
kaengelangeleyes 9
Nononononono. Woody is a petname for one of her toys. Woody and Buzz. Makes sense, people. ;D
meagy 6
Someone poisoned the water hole!
Meowingtons500 18
Oh sweet Jesus. I'm sorry OP. Once in health class Ann our health nurse brought in "Woody" the wooden penis. It was disturbing. Yet humorous.
ThisBeAUsername 6
TOY Story. *Ba Dum Tiss*
rcgirl2 11
#14- OHGODWHY...
Myo_fml 20
Gah, I now have the image in my head. DX CURSE YOU PIXAR!
raider27 7
I guess we know where his snake is at...
Keattles 14
97 - a nurse did that for my class too, back in grade 10! She called it "woody" too!
Leadamp 7
There's a snake in my boot!
MrBrightside21 20
119 - Sounds like there's a snake in OP's mom's 'boot.'
nado13579 12
14- I could have gone my entire life without seeing that image.
ww2freak 6
It's another way to say boner
KingCeltic77 18
Sex Toy Story
Treyyoung545 2
Toy Story was the first thing I thought of. haha. Apparently I'm not the only one.
jkozzy 8
Does woody refer to his name or his....?
Jewlz1162 5
You read my mind
alshygirl 14
I would say his...
NoisyNykkii 10
Both!
imcutefml 0
His johnson?
Angel157 8
King Snake...... lol Two and a half men.....
mars13_fml 8
I'm going to guess and say that is what she named his dick. So unoriginal though.
Amethyst888 14
71- Unoriginal? So what would be an original name to give to a dick?
ThomasScott 7
Inigo Montoya!
nofearjenshere 12
Woody wanted to put his morning wood to use.
forever_born 6
That was a little rude. You don't know men's minds do you? Men don't think original
Banana49 12
I found that mean but realized it made sense so
CoolRainbowdash 15
Slinky Dog?
mars13_fml 8
73 Well I named my ex bf jigger (it's not retarded there is a story behind it) but yea my first comment came off a little rude, sorry.
lfrye 6
Jigger? Really that is the best you could come up with.
Gregory607 1
My ex named mine Tiger lol
mars13_fml 8
127- hey dont hate lol! yes I know it sounds really stupid but like I said there is a story behind the name :)
NuTrees 9
Your only 16 and you naming penises jigger and shit.. Smh.
ZX6Rninja 0
Sounds like they were the ones who had a glorious morning.
luckyd880 12
No sillys. She named her vibrator woody
Dr0reos 8
was i the only one that found the fact that the guys name was "Woody" hilarious
BunchieRules 31
53 - I also find it humorous, but I don't think Woody is referring to his real name. They could very well be insinuating something else, like some of the other commenters have suggested...
FMLsAreAwesome 0
42- No her vibrator is named buzz. Woody is her *****.
NoOneCaresReally 8
Not so much a glorious morning, as morning glory...
RedPillSucks 33
Glory hole?
DoubleCross 9
She's boning your childhood toys
HeartOfLead 24
"You got a friend in me" ...
Infamous_Hawk 6
Literally...
BitchPlease18 6
That definitely kills childhood memories!
GaleIsHawt 5
Mommy gets really excited watching toy story(;
FMLsAreAwesome 0
Mommy's just playing with her toys, buzz and woody. :) don't be scared.
dude1122332 9
Lmao.
yummylicious 5
Please tell me Woody is your father
perdix 31
Your mom's banging a cartoon woodpecker? Ha-ha-ha-HA-ha!
SkateboardGirl88 11
Ha! I see what you did there!
SystemofaBlink41 27
I'm guessing your dad's name isn't Woody...
iloveryan052710 8
Well even if it is the dad, she wouldn't call him dad so you can't really assume anything.
PeteyPablo12308 20
Not to mention that hearing your mother and father having loud passionate sex, would still be horrifying, regardless of his name.