Today, I woke up to a glorious sunrise. I stood up, took a moment to soak up some sunlight, and then spent the next hour too scared to go make my morning coffee, after my mother loudly moaned, "Ah yeah, give it to me, Woody!" from down the hall. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I woke up to the sounds of birds singing, the smell of butter pancakes in the air, and thought to myself, "Wow, today is going to be great day. I can feel it!" Excited, I jumped out of bed and threw open the door to see my 58 year-old mother doing her morning stretches in the nude. FML
Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML
Today, I woke up and stumbled over to my window to soak up some morning sunshine. The sunshine was lovely; the sight of my elderly neighbour doing some kind of nude yoga in his backyard certainly was not. FML
Today, I woke up feeling awesome. I turned to face the sunrise in the window, and as I stretched and let out a big yawn. Only for my boyfriend to say "Baby, turn back over. Your breath smells like turds." FML
Today, I was woken up at 6am to the sound of my mother on the back deck of the house hooting like an owl. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of birds chirping, had a wonderful cup of coffee, and found my son throwing up rubbing alcohol in the bathroom. FML
Today, I was awoken by my dad yelling into my ear. In shock, I jumped up off the couch, and came smashing down into the coffee table. FML
Today, I woke up early. As I was just about to fall back asleep, I was re-awoken to the sound of my parents doing it in the shower. FML
Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML
Today, I had to eat my breakfast in terrified silence, as my hungover mother staggered into the room, shouted at the kettle for not boiling fast enough, and after a few seconds, screamed that I'd sabotaged it. I'm now grounded for supposedly trying to fuck with her head. FML
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Top comments
fireice22 0
Toy story?
ZX6Rninja 0
Sounds like they were the ones who had a glorious morning.
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Comments (164)
mercsl65 7
you live with your mom?
CVTrojans21 1
Maybe OP isn't an adult?
EagorLuvsBigFoot 8
Lots of kids do son
mwebb8416 4
I feel for ya buddy
perdix 31
Younger women tend to gravitate to silicone dildoes, but older gals stick with solid oak. They say that those ladies who try mahogany never go back;)
reddudeover 2
Sweet mother of jesus, I hope they never get a splinter.
msilikegrapes 8
i thought they used cucumbers
KawiRacer69 5
@55 they put condoms on the wood
Lo0o0o0oveMe 11
I cringed reading this comment. Funny but, I shudder to think of how that would feel.
perdix 31
#55, that's never a problem because the wooden ones are usually varnished very thoroughly, especially the ones that have been handed down for generations.
EliHak 0
Effie walks in on this, "that Is mahogany!"
the_anti_hipster 7
77--handed down for generations?? 0.o sweet mother of pearl, I wouldn't want something that's been in my crusty grandma's vag...
NothernNightmare 18
Exactly! What kind of woman could possibly resist long, hard, solid mahogany?!
perdix 31
#91, don't worry, by the time your granny's vag got crusty, she wasn't inserting Woody anymore. She was just using the tip to massage her clit. Hope that helps.
the_anti_hipster 7
118--helps? Well, it helped bring up my lunch, if that's what you mean. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to find something mahogany or pine and shove it through my eyeball. Not in that way. Pervs ;)
The_CL0GGER 0
You should bring your boyfriend home and give them a taste of their own medicine
BunchieRules 31
OP obviously lives with her mother, so I assume she is a child. Thus, bringing her boyfriend over should definitely end well. :/
The_CL0GGER 0
Yeah you're right, i dont think much before i speak/type
soccergurrll 8
What a great way to start your morning.
Angel157 8
Nothing like the sound of my mom screwing Woody in the morning....
BunchieRules 31
51 - Woody's seeing your mom too? He must be getting around. I bet Buzz is probably jealous.
Jaxx66 21
Just wait for a bit with headphones on. No biggie.
jaredofmo 22
The best part of waking up Is your mom gettin' some!
henry214365 4
Who's Woody?
MissRoxiie 12
Its woody wood picker!
maosquare 18
*woodpecker.
tony1891 22
nothing like morning wood from a guy named woody.
FelixVC1 21
I feel for you OP, I hope that your coffee didn't taste too bitter after hearing that.