Today, I woke up at 5 am to the voices of my husband, who I gave my blessing to go out last night, and his buddies entering our apartment. They came here because the buddy who had planned to house them had no beer. They are drunk, drinking on our porch, shaving my husband's head. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommate invited a couple of homeless gentlemen in to our house. After drinking all our beer, throwing up on our carpet, and repeatedly asking if we were planning on killing them, I asked them to leave. My roommate told them they're welcome back anytime. FML
Today, I received a text message from my wife, who had gone out for the evening with some girlfriends, saying, "I have to take a friend home, she's drunk! I'll be staying at his place. Call you in the morning." Umm… His? FML
Today, my husband invited 20 of his friends over, no discussion, just 20 strangers in my house. I got mad and went upstairs to our bedroom, which has an en suite shower. I got naked, and yet another dude came out of our en suite and walked right past my bare ass while I screamed. FML
Today, my husband came home late from drinking with his buddies, only to toss and turn and keep me up for an hour. He then sat up and didn't move for a few minutes. I sat up to see what was wrong, only to see him pissing on the carpet beside our bed. FML
Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML
Today, I heard screaming coming from my neighbor's house. Since her husband has a history of abusing her, I called the cops. After they left with him in custody, she called to yell at me because they were "working things out" after "having a few drinks". FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my friend got a text showing his girlfriend cheating on him. Sounds like his FML, but he was at my house. He then worked his way through a bottle of my whisky and went into a drunken rage. He threw my furniture through windows, punched holes in the wall, and smashed stuff until I had to call the cops. FML
Today, my husband sat me down on the couch so he could share some "awesome" news with me. He excitedly declared that he and his idiot drinking buddies are planning on running a real-life Fight Club out of our basement. FML
Today, a drunk man walked into my house at 2 p.m. and screamed out, "Honey, I'm home!" He had the wrong house, but it looks like I've finally met my new neighbour. FML
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Top comments
RedPillSucks 33
Hubby: Bless me wifey, for I have sinned... OP: You are forgiven, my hubby. Now go forth and sin no more... Hubby: What!? Hell no!!!! OP: Ok boys, hold him down and shave his head. If he doesn't repent, then continue with the pubes.
HelloGuys 4
You have to give your husband a blessing to go out with his friends?
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Comments (123)
stephan18 23
Join the party! :D
chemchic 7
At least they're home and not out screwing random girls.
chemchic 7
At least they are home and not out screwing random women.
XxxT3rr4xxX 25
ah the effects of alcohol ... :P
KeyboardWarrior 10
Pretty sure she doesn't care who his friends screw. In fact, I think she'd prefer them screwing random women while her husband is at home, with a luscious head of hair.
chemchic 7
"they" ...sorry I meant her husband.
Oreohugzpenny 4
At least you could **** any of his buds and not get caught! Sweet revenge
HelloGuys 4
You have to give your husband a blessing to go out with his friends?
tobedd 13
If your live-in boyfriend or husband is gonna go get wasted and stay out the whole night, then I agree they need permission. You'll be home up all night worrying.
DjeePee 25
Well, you can always go out without your partner's blessing, but I think it's just a simple sign of respect to ask if (s)he is okay with it. You never know, maybe (s)he planned something for that moment. Also, it shows that you care about his/her opinion.
bertman21 5
Look what you did by giving him your blessing
OfficeNinja 5
Naturally. Take it from me - ALWAYS get the all clear from the wife. That way, whatever happens and however drunk you return home - she said it was OK and therefore can't bitch (but she will anyway).
CptZoe 10
If my partner asks to go out I get kind of annoyed. He is a person too, he can make his own plans with his own friends! If he didn't tell me, I'd be annoyed, not if he didn't ask...
siegheil_fml 4
So a grown adult needs permission? Ha! F you
NanillaVipples 2
Happy wife, happy life.
thatnucca 36
Did you give him a Hall Pass too?
rhaemese 9
No. She probably have him an office referral though..
MissMae93 23
53 - I think you missed the reference.
appledude25 3
are you 14?
RedPillSucks 33
Hubby: Bless me wifey, for I have sinned... OP: You are forgiven, my hubby. Now go forth and sin no more... Hubby: What!? Hell no!!!! OP: Ok boys, hold him down and shave his head. If he doesn't repent, then continue with the pubes.
Not_A_Traitor 5
Never expected to hear you say that Pervy Sage...
newbiehere99 6
I chuckled a little when I read this :)
chickenwalrus 14
just hope they dont shave the other head.
tennisrapper1 14
5 - What the **** type of profile picture is that???
Rowdey 10
It's the right kind, 15.
chickenwalrus 14
damn right 26. that was a comment fail on my part though^^ sorry everyone.
Boob_fml 6
There is no such thing as a comment fail when it is accompanied by THAT picture. Amazing.
cutemonsterx3 6
Imma have nightmares from your profile picture. Lol
newbiehere99 6
#5 - Your pic reminds me of my pug ... His name is Wiggly :)
chickenwalrus 14
that is a messed up dog.
rainbowteehee 6
Um what do u mean "other head" pubic hair? Umm ew he better shave down there! That's gross with hair.
dav3800 7
Perfect time to use the chemotherapy excuse.
yankfan89 27
There is never a good time to lie about having cancer.
darwinism 30
That's pretty ******* low mate, even as a joke.
R00ST3R 12
As a cancer survivor F*** Y**
boating_guy 33
I'm with 25, **** YOU to joke about cancer dude. My father had it, and luckily survived. My childhood friend's mom had it, and survived but she almost has no voice now. And another close childhood friend of mine's father had it, and he died when we were 10. I hope you burn in hell 6, there's NEVER a time or place to joke about such a thing
R00ST3R 12
28- Amen brother.
tennisrapper1 14
28 - Actually after 22.3 years...
123man 11
Actually, I think the unwritten rule is similar to the N word and black people: You're allowed to joke about it if you have cancer, have survived cancer, or are/have been the caretaker of someone with cancer.
DjeePee 25
Really? Is this the way how humour works? "You are only allowed make jokes about horrible diseases/muslims/black people/mentally or physically challenged people/(non-)religious people...if you are/know one of them!" and "You can't make jokes about anything that's painful in life!" You all realize that jokes are meant to deal with the bitch sides of life, right? Edit: and ofcourse wishing someone to 'burn in hell' is very respectful from your side.
swankmrpancake 8
Could be worse at least he came home and didn't go to some woman's house
Deannie88 6
I don't understand why everyone needs to give each other blessings to go out and party. Im pretty sure everyone needs a night away from their significant other once in a while. That sucks for your husband though. You should record his reaction when he looks in the mirror in the morning.
Deannie88 6
Yes I understand that but telling them and asking for permission are two different things. Just like I'll tell him I'm going to the movies with some friends, an yea I'll tell him who I'm going with so he knows, but I'm not going to ASK him for permission to go knowing we have nothing planned. Maybe I should have re-worded that differently.
stellarluna121 7
I totally agree with you #9. It makes no sense.
Deannie88 6
Ok ignore my comment... -_- I showed my friend this FML site and she goes and makes me look stupid with this comment. I'm a married woman with a 3 year old. I don't have time to go out much but yet I still ask my husband if I want to go out. You're absolutely right. First commenter. I don't remember your number. Sorry. And some of you may think I'm stupid for letting her play with this site but I don't care for what people say on here. I just read the FML's, laugh and get off. That is all.
unknown_user5566 27
FMLs make you get off? Kinky.
CptZoe 10
#9 I totally agree. I feel kinda sorry for all these peoples partners... Having to get permission :S I think that shows a lot of bad things about your relationships.
tennisrapper1 14
Maybe he'll look better bald. I mean, look at Patrick Stewart...
TrueTriage 16
Bad example... That's like saying girls shaving their head is hot. Look at Brittany spears 8 years ago.
CptZoe 10
Or Natalie Portman.... Mmmmm
xmaximusx 12
No000 you are not allowed to by an xbox!!
AnagenisisZagus 13
'xcuse me, dear... What the hell are you talking about?
MsBHaven 8
#12 Is obviously playing the role of the wife not giving permission for the husband to buy an Xbox. Don't worry #12, someone understands your random, non-random comment :)