Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to see a movie with my girlfriend and a few others. Mid-way through, I noticed my girlfriend giving a hand-job to my best friend. I couldn't believe my eyes, and I confronted them. He claimed he had been asleep, she claimed she was mopping up a spill, and I'm now single again. FML
Today, it was Thanksgiving and the first time my boyfriend would be meeting my whole family. He was nervous so he started drinking. By the end of the night, he was belligerently drunk and kissed my aunt twice thinking it was me. FML
Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML
Today, my husband and I finally had the house to ourselves, so we had unusually loud sex. Banging bed, yelling obscenities, super rowdy, etc. I then see my mother-in-law out the window. She had let herself in, dropped off a bag and apparently ran out. Thanksgiving is going to be weird. FML
Today, I made out with a handsome man in the restroom at a party. There was a knock on the door, interrupting us. It was his girlfriend. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I went on a date. I went to the bathroom. When I came back, she was sitting at a different table flirting with a guy that looked twice as old as her. FML
Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML
Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML
Today, I was at a big family reunion at my aunt's place. Before dinner, I went outside in the garden for a smoke. Through the kitchen window, I saw my cousin spit in the soup. Twice. My aunt patted his back and continued stirring. FML
Today, I had to pee so bad that I ran downstairs with no glasses on and stumbled into the bathroom, half blind. I sat down on the toilet and realized just a little late that my older sister and her boyfriend were having sex in the bathtub. FML
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Top comments
Googolman 29
Maybe it was her way of saying thanks.
PenguinBitch 44
Looks like the turkey wasn't the only thing getting stuffed.
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Comments (51)
Googolman 29
Maybe it was her way of saying thanks.
CoolCookie210 22
On the bright side, at least it wasn't your girlfriend
quickit 24
Or maybe she was dreaming of a white Christmas.
Fishin_for_Coins 7
"Thanks for this delicious penis you've bestowed upon my mouth!"
lnheritance 19
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Or at least, making sure the turkey; his "turkey" was on par.
brand125 17
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
please mommy.
blahblah5743794 19
Happy Holidays for your uncle at least
3molliver3 16
Holy Water works as great eye drops!
ChristianH39 30
I tried this and it burned, should I call a priest?
soulreaper12296 28
#11, I wouldn't. He might try to perform an exorcism on you.
Kielnmsoftly 26
Or altar boy you!
KK3137 31
I think it burned because it wasn't purified properly. The best way to get pure Holy Water is to really boil the Hell out of it!
5secondsofvvifi 21
Or using brain bleach works just as well
CoGhostRider 31
#57 you should really have way more likes.
Snake1105 20
Finally in the first comment
trellz17 19
That's so sweet. Exchanging Christmas gifts orally.
santosb1 11
She got a tooth brush??
teyyoshi 19
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
she gave him head
hduebdo 14
Where did you ever get your amazing detective skills?
Liamj774 36
I heard bleach works wonders
Snake1105 20
That sucks
ComoEsJuan 24
No, the girlfriend sucks.
PenguinBitch 44
Looks like the turkey wasn't the only thing getting stuffed.
devildog562 33
She was just trying to get some gravy. At least you didn't walk in on him stuffing her. Edit: damn anti flood 10 beat me to it
FML_14u2c 14
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Looks like a couple of things got stuffed in that house this Thanksgiving.
brand125 17
like ur butthole?
FML_14u2c 14
Clarification: I was originally going to say what #10 said. (They hadn't posted it yet, when I started typing -- look at the time stamp...) When I clicked "validate", a couple of new posts were there and I saw that our posts were almost exactly the same, so I rushed to change it to something different, but couldn't think of anything new in the two minutes or so that they allow you to make changes.