Today, I was posing in front of the mirror, when I realized that everyone who looks at me can easily tell which arm I use to masturbate. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while at my mom's birthday dinner, I started to pretend to drum with one hand, using my left leg as the drums. Everybody stared at me and started to yell. Now they all think I was masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML
Today, out of habit, after scratching my balls, I then smelled my hand. It was at that moment I realized most of my gym was staring at me. FML
Today, I still can't decide whether masturbating while looking at myself makes me narcissistic or just plain pathetic. FML
Today, while in the bathroom, I started absent-mindedly drumming on my thighs. I didn't stop to think that people outside would think I was masturbating. FML
Today, at the gym, I caught sight of myself in the mirror while lifting weights and thought, “Damn, I look good!” I smiled. Then I realized the mirror was actually a window. A group of people outside had been watching me flex with a shit-eating grin on my face for God know how long. FML
Today, I went to the gym for the first time in a while and realized that I can lift way more with my left hand than with my right even though I am right handed. I also realized that I jack off with my left hand. FML
Today, I got caught masturbating, twice, by the same person. FML
Today, I realized the moans I make when masturbating sound like I'm crying. I realized this when my neighbor pounded on the door asking if I was okay. FML
Today, while I was showering, someone left a note on the bathroom door that read, "We can all hear you masturbating. Shut the hell up." I don't know what's more embarrassing, that everyone in my house thought I was masturbating or that I was actually singing. FML
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Top comments
bnutts 4
Well. Use your other arm, problem solved.
kcTheGreat 2
Wow..if you can actually see a difference it's time to get a girlfriend or at least a hobby..
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Comments (210)
CastleHCP 1
Switch hands, Mr. Forev Eralone.
dani05 0
You have to mix things up a little bit... Or you could just get a girlfriend.
jjames7543 13
Just like when Quagmire discovered Internet ****
DaleksAreEpic 0
Hehe, I remember that.
julz0125 5
That's the sane thing I thought when I read this FML
bizarre_ftw 22
What was the insane thing you thought?
braddah112233 1
One of the best episodes ever..
sweetness17 7
someone's been watching too many Victoria's Secret commercials...
pumbaa_fml 5
Someone's been on too many Victoria Secret commercials ;)
RetardedChipmunk 7
This is a forum not a dating site. (Message her that's what its for) ;)
thenoobftw 3
I don't need Victoria secret commercials... I only need your picture rawr.
Pelreskovich 11
Before I moved out I found a Victoria's Secret magazine under my little brothers couch. He swore he "hid it there to give to mom later but forgot about it" suuuuuuure.
sweetness17 7
lol. classic:)
kieferr 8
I accidentally walked in on my buddy staring at one and it was pretty bad... Some things you can never unsee..
neverdrinkSODA 12
just alternate every session
Rainbowbright99 4
Don't worry honey, no one cares enough to pay that close of attention to anyone but themselves. Also... Switch hands, righty needs love too... (or lefty I'm guessing)
bizarre_ftw 22
Practice makes perfect ^_^ Just tell people you play tennis
HendricksProdigy 0
Ah shit I got tennis elbow;)!
beasting 0
You know the funny thing is that really happens when you play tennis
Sumo69 9
It's a chance hands you again a stroke
godlike1 5
What?
Epictacos18 0
Died laughing
bcewing 1
Forever alone
Calyx_fml 22
You ********** that much? And with enough vigor to gain muscle mass?!!! Dude, it's not that hard. Use your fingertips and a soft touch. Otherwise when you actually get to have sex with a real person you'll be so insensitized by your death grip that you won't be able to perform at all. Dan Savage says the same thing. Ease up.