Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my now ex-boyfriend called me from jail, expecting me to bail him out. He'd tried to buy a load of booze at the liquor store and came up short by ten cents. The cashier refused to be short-changed, and he figured the only reasonable reaction was to punch her in the face. FML
Today, I had to bail my ex-husband out of jail. He didn't want his new wife to get mad at him. FML
Today, it's Black Friday. I got sucker-punched by some woman over a ten dollar griddle. FML
Today, I had to bail my husband out from jail for almost killing someone. What happened? He and my sister-in-law were in an grocery store when she spotted his old high school nemesis, who back then was the biggest bully in school. She thought that it would be "exciting" to see what would happen if their paths crossed again. FML
Today, I received a package from a local guy on Craigslist. Instead of the iPhone I paid $350 for, the box only contained a photo of an iPhone. The guy had been dumb enough to attach a return address, so my husband went over and beat the shit out of him. I now have to bail him out of jail. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, my landlord came and beat on my door demanding the rent check. I just got home from a trip and my wife was supposed to pay it while I was away. What happened to the money? Black Friday. FML
Today, I had three sheriffs come to my door, turns out my boyfriend of three years went on a robbing spree last week and brought the stolen merchandise back to my apartment. The best part: He used my car while committing the robberies. FML
Today, my boyfriend got arrested. For robbing my house. FML
Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML
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Top comments
carelessxdanger 9
did they give you a lower bail bond in light of the black friday spirit? (:
spluver0005 17
Hey toasters are important you know
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Comments (87)
cnparks1990 9
hey people want toast.toast is the beat snack ever!
cnparks1990 9
maybe it was a sacred butter toaster.it butters your toast for you.
DanielleinDC 34
And this is why I do all my shopping online. I really don't want someone beating the snot out of me because s/he wants the last of something and I'm in that idiot's way.
liaRawr 9
What a legend! Did he get the toaster!
stirbnichtvormir 14
He must really like toast
leshh13 1
DINKELBERG!!?
nyklo 11
Sounds like something Purple Guy would do.
Ya_I_said_it 6
TOAST IS LIFE?
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Well, I'd say both he and the guy he beat up are toast.