Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML
Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML
Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML
Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML
Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML
Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML
Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML
Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML
Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML
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Top comments
Nadron 21
"May thy milk be blessed for thy thirst." Amen.
fakedsincerity 32
Oh dear. Tell her to do some Google research. Also have a milk related joke: Why is milk the fastest food? Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
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Comments (96)
emeraldisle 30
I hope you don't plan on having kids with this woman.
StickyPickles 33
Thank you, someone had to say it.
JKPwnage 27
Don't let stupid reproduce. Don't stick your dick in crazy.
krazayman 18
nope #47 Krazy does the sticking in my case lol
_kyleG_ 34
Sounds like Jew could settle this with Google
kmaheynoway 25
I don't think that Israeli the best way to settle things.
PePziNL 20
Don't Jewish that your girlfriend was a little bit smarter?
slingerslasher 24
Jerusalem.
Sharkthedark 11
the argument must be making her mein fuhreous
phoneaddict13 29
here I am!
sonasonic 34
I never Jew there were people like her.
mustangbravo 27
Give her a dictionary for her bday.
Bibliovore 26
Or a nice biography of Louis Pasteur. Or both.
Nadron 21
"May thy milk be blessed for thy thirst." Amen.
91hayek 31
Amoooooooooo
boboates 17
She sounds like my student teacher from this year -- she thought the ozone was a hole in the ground and couldn't figure out why it was a problem becuase they should just fill it
RedPillSucks 33
the ozone is the opposite of the gspot. rub it and you'll go instead of come. *ducks to avoid rotten tomatoes*
tiggerlover100 27
How did your teacher even get a teaching license?!
tournamentdecide 33
Student teachers don't have licenses yet.
tiggerlover100 27
True but they still have gone though all the schooling to get the license by the time they're student teaching.
gsam99 20
I have lab instructors who don't even plan on being teachers. They've just taken all the required courses and "know enough" (even if we prove them wrong multiple times in the semester) to read us a lab manual and show us a video.
Bibliovore 26
#58, student teachers are actually still students -- they have not yet graduated, so have not completed their schooling or studies.
markotut 10
Bless your soul op
fakedsincerity 32
Oh dear. Tell her to do some Google research. Also have a milk related joke: Why is milk the fastest food? Because it's pasteurised before you see it.
sdroze1389 31
Lol do you know anymore milk jokes?
fakedsincerity 32
I do. But they're not very amoosing. ... I tried.
kmaheynoway 25
I don't mean to milk this thread, but your puns were udderly amazing. Cow did you come up them?
Diarrhea_Volcano 29
How dairy maketh thy joke
sdroze1389 31
did you point out that pastor and pasteur are spelled differently? then Google louis pasteur and and drop it. she will feel dumber if you say nothing after that.
gearhead369 20
Haha you know what? You and everyone else knows that she is wrong, but be nice to her anyway. She'll figure it out one day and will know you were sweet to her
sdroze1389 31
isn't that kinda mean? letting her walk around thinking she is right but actually sounding like an idiot? better to get corrected by by someone you love than strangers who will be more critical.
Kurby14 21
I'm sure she read that on wikipedia and we all know that site is never wrong!
_kyleG_ 34
It's both as accurate and more extensive than the Encyclopedia Brittanica.