Natural selection

Today, my mother offered me some chocolate milk. I took a few gulps before I realized the label said it was raw unpasteurized milk. When I pointed this out to my mother, she asked me what pasteurization is. We might get sick because my mother is the most horrifically ignorant and out-of-touch person on earth. FML

Today, I got into a heated argument with my mom, because apparently I'm an idiot for not sharing her belief that chickens are mammals. She has a university degree in this stuff. FML

Today, my girlfriend is angry with me. We had an argument on how to properly eat an Oreo. FML

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm a vegan. She replied, "So, you're allergic to meat?" FML

Today, while working as a barista, a customer asked me for "gluten free milk". When I told her that most milk is gluten free, she flew into a fit of rage and cussed me out for being a "cheeky bitch". My manager then lectured me about not being "patronising" to customers. FML

Today, I mentioned to my wife that we should try marriage counseling. She responded by denying it while throwing a carton of milk at me. FML

Today, my mom claimed that lactose intolerance is a "myth" and told me to drink my damn milk because it's good for my bones. FML

Today, after I cleaned out the fridge of things that expired months ago, my roommate got angry and insisted upon pulling all the moldy dairy products out of the garbage and putting them back because "they weren't mine and I shouldn't throw out other people's food." FML

Today, I watched The Passion of the Christ with my girlfriend. She kept scoffing at what she called the "historical inaccuracies", and actually tried to convince me that Hitler killed Jesus. When I corrected her, she looked at me, mouth agape, as if I was insane. FML

Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML