Today, my husband called me to the bedroom to show me something. This "something" was him demonstrating his seemingly well-trained ability to accurately type out a sentence on my phone using nothing but his erect penis. FML

Backhanded

Today, my girlfriend told me that if my penis was on any other body it would be considered small, but on me it's "cute." FML

Chubby Love, by Bon Iver

Today, I realised that my husband and I have gotten so fat that his already small dick no longer even reaches me. FML

Today, I was having sex with a girl. After we finish, she tells me she already has a boyfriend, and that his penis is larger than mine. FML

Multitasking

Today, my wife picked up her phone, answered a text, added a few things to her phone's shopping list, and looked at her phone calendar to remind me I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow. She did all this whilst my penis was inside her, giving it my best effort as well. Self confidence zero. FML

Humblebrag

Today, I learned that my insecurities regarding my dick size were unfounded, as my girlfriend gushed over my dick and said it was amazing. We then got down to business, and almost immediately heard, "Ow! Fuck, that's my cervix! This hurts! Stop!" FML

Today, my girlfriend kindly let me know that she didn't care that I am 'below average' in the penis department because it will leave her nice and tight for her next boyfriend. FML

Today, an extremely attractive woman from FedEx came to deliver my new phone. I was wearing athletic shorts and had an erection. She looked down and laughed. FML

Let down

Today, I went on a date with a sweet guy who was 6”11 tall, a size 14 shoe, a 55 inch chest from all his gym muscles, hands like baseball gloves, and gorgeous green eyes… all attached to a 3 inch penis that I could barely feel, and that lasted barely 15 seconds. The foreplay was shit too. FML

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML