Today, my best friend can now say "I fucked your mom" to me and actually mean it. FML

Whoops

Today, I was asking my best friend to tell me all the boys she’d had sex with, because I thought she had slept with my boyfriend. She accidentally said my dad. FML

Reasonable

Today, I found out that my best friend lost her virginity to my father. Her excuse? She was drunk. His excuse? "She's hot." FML

Today, I found out that my dad has been having an affair. With my formerly favorite teacher. The best part? Yesterday, she announced to the class that she was pregnant. I clapped and congratulated her. FML

The Wire

Today, I told my friend over videochat every explicit detail of what I had in store for my boyfriend later on in the day. I only realized afterwards that her whispering during the story was her way of trying to tell me her dad was in the room listening to the whole thing. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Back to reality

Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have fun at school. So, we went into the locker room. We were making out for a couple minutes when the door opened. It was the principal, who also happens to be her dad. FML

She's got it going on!

Today, my best friend told me he had a crush on someone in my house. I got excited, but he told me it was my mom. FML

Cut it out

Today, my best friend was doing my hair. She got frustrated and exclaimed, "It won't stay!" I replied with, "Just like your mom!" It was then that I remembered her mom had just left her dad and moved out of the house to be with someone else. FML