Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out I wasn't cool enough to be invited to a college party that happened last night. The one in charge of inviting people was my girlfriend of two years. FML
Today, well into my second year at university, I still haven't made a single friend. FML
Today, I went to my first university party already a little drunk. I perched on the end of a table to cool off from the dancing and the whole table tipped over and dumped me onto the floor. I was promptly laughed out of the room. FML
Today, I've had to accept that, despite my efforts to stay in touch with the few friends I made at college, I have zero friends. FML
Today, I found out that the last girl from my graduating high school class is engaged to her boyfriend. I'm now the only guy from high school who's still single and I'm not even 30 yet. FML
Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML
Today, after years of battling my social anxiety issues, I went out clubbing with my friends. A girl started talking to me and we actually hit it off. The next thing I know, I'm on the floor getting wailed on by some bloke for hitting on his girlfriend. She didn't do a thing to stop him. FML
Today, I went out to a bar with some of my friends. They're all in committed relationships, but every single one of them got hit on. I'm single, and yet again, nobody even said hi to me. FML
Today, in a nightclub packed with people, I enthusiastically went in for a handshake with someone but they went for a fist bump. We both ended up doing the awkward “Pull back and retry” dance for a solid five seconds. I think I just lost all credibility. FML
Today, while away at college, I had a flirty relationship with a girl living on the floor below me. It turned physical. Heavy petting, making out, lots of over the clothes stuff. Home on break and visiting my girlfriend at work, there she is, working with her, standing side by side as I walked up! What?! FML
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Top comments
Scorpitarrius 0
Look on the bright side...no STDs!
haadi9 4
physical contact with the opposite sex is overrated
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Comments (50)
PICKLESTICKLE 0
every day play with your daddy dj and you will be ready for the sun. YDI
DameGreyWulf 1
What...? So...? College is for studying you twat, you are paying for your classes. You're not Van Wilder.
B_money 0
So all you wanted was physical contact. Here's a translation: "Today, I found out that despite having attended every university party held over the last two years, the only physical contact I have had with a member of the opposite sex is when the security guard stamps my hand. Since I'm only seeking physical contact with a member of the opposite sex, I am a shallow idiot. FML"
twiggly 0
I have a friend. His name will be John. His nickname is "Fugly John". why? Because he's ******* ugly. (He's a nice guy though). He gets laid (by women, so no "personal experience" wise cracks (lol), often.) Stop being lazy and put your p in the v.
plexico 4
Maybe you ought to ask out the security guard. Otherwise, you may need to start hiring prostitutes. Usually they sell ******** and ***** and that may be too much physical contact for you. You might have to do so research to find out if there are ****** that sell hand-holding and shoulder squeezes.
Intoxicunt 6
I do! That would have to be the easiest $$$ I could ever make. OP: My hands are so smooth and pretty. I'll hold your hand just the way you like it for $50.
plexico 4
Ding-ding-ding! We found one! I hope you know the Australian dollar is worth about 3¢ US. Selling your hand for a buck fifty isn't too bad if he just wants to hold it. Make sure he pitches in airfare.
Intoxicunt 6
Seriously? Well, ****. He'll pitch in airfare, lodging, meals, and some sightseeing. I'll hold his hand. Hell, I'll even let his hand sweat on mine a little...
RubixMonkey 0
Oh Intoxicunt, maybe you would share the profits if we held both his hands together. We could invite him into the back room at Chuckee Cheese and hold each others hands while he watched. I mean its a little forward, but you could even...squeeze my shoulder. I might show some ankle and a little wrist.
Intoxicunt 6
That sounds great. I'll wear some knockout dress that shows off a little ankle and wrist as well. Then, if things all go well and start heating up, we can maybe even go as far as....putting our arms around him! Maybe we should save that for the second time. Feel free to touch me, though. :)
RubixMonkey 0
OMG, just don't... don't even mention the S-E-X word. I mean, that's dirty. Like so dirty. And not like playing in the mud dirty. But like, I am going to hell. OP please don't let me go to hell. I have this nice number with like lace and a tall collar. I even have stalkings and a proper pair of patent leather boots. Perhaps we should role play as Mary Poppins or McGonigal.
chronicwanker 4
serioulsy i almost wet my pants, that is the funniest shit. "hand holds and shoulder squeezes" omg
RubixMonkey 0
I know its like elementary school all over again.
reflectedgary 0
I really dont understand how you just found that out. I get that you probably meant you just realized it, but still. It's your life, happening to you, things like that shouldn't be a surprise. Maybe if you were a little more aware you wouldnt have this problem.
deliapearl 0
try roofies
Eaglestrike117 29
Wait, you "found this out." What did someone tell you? I'm pretty sure you meant you "realized."
RubixMonkey 0
I **** right in my pants Every time you're next to me And when we're holdin hands Its like havin sex with me You say I'm premature I just call it ecstasy I wear a rubber at all times Its a necessity Cuz I **** in my pants