Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went to the restroom to pee. A loud fart exploded out of my ass and echoed in the toilet bowl. I could practically feel my face on fire when I saw the horrified look on a little girl's face as I walked out. FML
Today, during labor, I farted every time I pushed with very deep sounds. I was so ashamed. I pushed so hard, I pooped and splashed the nurse in front of me right in the face. Everyone stopped laughing and the nurse didn’t talk until baby came. When my husband called my in-laws, it’s the first thing he told them. FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were changing our newborn son when he peed on her, making me lose it laughing. Less than five seconds later, as I picked him up to clean him off, he did a huge poop, all over my hands, arms, feet, and clothes. Instant Karma. FML
Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML
Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML
Today, my husband jokingly told my daughter when she passes gas in public, she needed to blame it on the fattest and ugliest person there. We went shopping after and she let a HUGE fart out. She gasped, "Mommy!" FML
Today, while naked, my fiancée said there was something wrong with her butt. She turned around and I leaned in to look at it. She then farted in my face. On purpose. FML
Today, I was babysitting to make a few extra dollars. While changing one of the kid's diapers, I turned around to find the other kid gone. I turned back around frantically, only to get poop flung at my face. I guess I found him. FML
Today, I was snuggled in bed with my husband. He thought because my butt was twitching that I was trying to be frisky. So he slapped my ass hard in attempt to get something going. I was actually trying to hold in a huge fart because last night I had diarrhea. Apparently I still have it. FML
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Top comments
HotFrosty 14
If he finds it so funny, he can change the diapers from now on.
InnocenceBlue 38
The joys of parenthood. There's more to come OP, but congrats on the bub :)
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Comments (71)
InnocenceBlue 38
The joys of parenthood. There's more to come OP, but congrats on the bub :)
oiler 21
OP should try getting intimate with husband and and have the baby start crying, making OP say " OH you just got ****-blocked!"
derpina72 23
I looooove being a mommy! And this could even be a hilarious story you just "happen" to mention when she has a boyfriend. >:D
Feklfekl2222 32
Ah the joys of parenthood
lexred 30
That's funny tbh but your hubby seems to be very childish!
Stephencharis 14
hahahahahahaha.....you're either just so funny or so dumb
iPixelCheese 19
Just another story too laugh at in the future. As of now, FYL
iPixelCheese 19
I used the wrong form of "to." -.-
ruckfules85 34
i dont think to many people caught it...or cared
LordLlampaca 13
Ahh husbands. Always there to make life terrible moments humerus. For not you
Tripartita 45
As long as they don't make them radius or scapula, I don't have a problem.
coolest_mom 7
His humor is what makes those moments so fun.
Googolman 29
I'm not sure what's a bigger asshole - your daughter's, or your husband.
lulinator 40
I think the answer is you.
Tripartita 45
Well, whatever you guys decide, PLEASE don't try to check your answer.
Stephencharis 14
you are so *****
HotFrosty 14
If he finds it so funny, he can change the diapers from now on.
coolest_mom 7
he changes plenty of diapers. if the tables were turned, I would have done the same thing.
MissuhGrey 10
Shut up that's such a feminazi remark kill yourself
theinfiniteend 21
Sounds like you had a really crappy day
writerchic85 26
That is just awful. Kids are awful.
MzZombicidal 36
It's not like the baby can help it...
writerchic85 26
Still awful
Lalala579121 28
Nobody ever said raising kids is a clean job.
Denise1988 13
Kids are awesome. They're funny, even when they don't mean to be and they take joy in moments that adults are too cynical to appreciate.
pax14 10
Why are there more you deserve its than your life sucks lol
thisguy22 33
For choosing to have a child. She put herself into the situation. Can't exactly say she didn't have it coming.
countryb_cth 38
You must be such a joy at parties.
thisguy22 33
Lol, I'm the creep who sits in the corner staring at everyone. I didn't say that that was my opinion; just playing the devil's advocate.