Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I got a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three-foot range. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was doing target practice with my new paintball pistol. One of the bullets missed, and hit my new neighbor's house. I went up to the door to apologize, not realizing I was still holding the paintball gun. My ex-soldier neighbor thought I was robbing him and put me in a chokehold. FML
Today, me and my girlfriend went paintballing. I made sure we were on the same team, so I could protect her and be manly. The first time she got shot was by me, I shot her finger. It broke. FML
Today, I played paintball with a bunch of friends. By the end of the day, my girlfriend and I were the only people left on the field. She shot me mercilessly, and I screamed like a little girl. 30 people watched, 4 people filmed. FML
Today, my psycho ex showed up at my doorstep to beg me to take her back, so I pulled my gun on her. I just found out she's pressing charges. FML
Today, I wanted to prank my girlfriend by giving her a jump scare. Right before I tried to scare her in an empty parking lot, she turned towards me, pepper-sprayed me in the eyes and kicked me in the balls. When she realized it was me, she called me an asshole and dumped on the spot and drove away. FML
Today, I went to a paintball match with my family and the family of my brother's girlfriend. A few minutes into, my brother's girlfriend's dad snuck up on me, unloaded into me from behind, and snarled, "That's for knocking my daughter up." He got the wrong guy. My back is killing me. FML
Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML
Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML
Today, my girlfriend of 3 years broke up with me by taping a breakup note to my doorstep and ding-dong-ditching me. FML
Today, I went paint-balling with my girlfriend. As we drove she was scared about getting shot a lot, especially in the head. I reassured her that with all the protective gear it was unlikely. First round, within a minute, she gets shot 3 times in the back of the head. FML
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Top comments
somepartsareme 0
Fake, you couldn't have balls, you broke up with her over the phone.
effed_over 0
That's why you don't do it over the phone.
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Comments (327)
TandJHire 0
For one the person who called him a Douche this is how its spelt LOL and for two just because he broke up with her over the phone does not give her any right to do physical damage to him body! but then again most of the people on this site are about 13 yrs old and are mature enough to know when to walk away but thats all i have to say! and yes F your life
Kharma25 0
If you're going to correct someone's spelling, make sure yours is flawless. "Spelt" is a variety of wheat. I think the word you intended to use is "spelled".
sadistmonkey 19
And #39, if YOU are going to correct someone's spelling, make sure you've actually looked in a dictionary. That way, you would know that "spelt" is the chiefly British past and past participle for "spell".
Kharma25 0
Actually, I did Google it first, and it didn't come up with any such definition. But thank you for informing me.
ohhoho 2
4. Skitt’s Law: Expressed as “any post correcting an error in another post will contain at least one error itself” or “the likelihood of an error in a post is directly proportional to the embarrassment it will cause the poster.” ^^ Haha. @OP: on the bright side, it could have been worse ;D
zaphilia 0
#39, if you're going to insult #35's grammar, at least pick an actual mistake. There are many to choose from.
ndiesal 0
Crazy bitch! I mean dumping her over the phone is ******* weak, but is no justification to shoot you in the balls. She'd have probably done that no matter how you did it.
snebing 6
wow you should've seen it comind dude
quintus5446 0
you should beg her to come back; she's cooler than a ************!
megan_is_cool 0
Holy shit. I'm nearly crying from laughing at this. I'm sorry, dude. I'm a 15 year old girl, I should be defending your ex saying "OMG, you should've done it to her face! You're a dirtbag!" but even I'm not that childish. Like, why is it that huge of a deal if it's over the phone, face-to-face, or through text? The point is, IT WILL STILL BE OVER, it doesn't matter. She should look at it this way, you did it over the phone- that's more personal than a text message and a lot better than walking in on you with another woman. I prefer the phone (;
BaBiiSpAnKy821 0
breaking up over the fne? r u sure she didnt hit u in ur pussy because dude lemme tell u tht was a pussy ass move right there... i wudda ****** yur ass up... i wudnt have hit you tho
vman70 4
dude not the phone u so deserved that!! LOL
Ellodie_fml 0
YDI for breaking up over the phone. it's awful
Seventytimeseven 0
Press charges for assault. Normally I would say that 2 years is wayyy more than long enough to require a face-to-face break up. However, she sounds like a psychopath, so I guess good call on over the phone, bad call on your underestimation of her insanity. I did wonder if you perhaps cheated on her or got her pregnant or something though and perhaps the ball shot was something you deserved based on the reasons for the break up
drinkmoxie 0
Why would that hurt I mean You broke up over the phone instead of in person in My book that means you had no balls to start with. You got what you deserved you spineless idiot