Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, I gave myself a major foodgasm by creating an absolutely yummy egg and mushroom salad with mustard. Turns out, though, that my digestive abilities are not quite as good as my culinary ones. FML
Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML
Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML
Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML
Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML
Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML
Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML
Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML
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Top comments
WhatsOpTic 11
Damn salads these days trying to kill people
Quackadoodledoo 13
Icebergs can be very dangerous.
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Comments (84)
menoseloso 13
Self-fulfilling prophecy, perhaps?
Gityerchicken 12
Better than choking on a Big Mac. At least you're healthy!
glabberfasted 16
Your "poor me" attitude is your first problem. You do all of this to yourself by being so negative. Fix the way you speak to yourself, and your life will be a lot better.
WeskersSexslave 15
Water or more food could have possibly saved your life.
worldclassrager 41
I bet you're fine you'll find something to make that statement wrong
bombielol 20
I bet youre awesome, and are useful for something, dont think that way about yourself op nobody is useless :)
bombielol 20
you would be thinking of dick you bop
xebi 4
OP, whoever you are, the best advice I can give you is: Be nice to yourself. You deserve it as much as anyone else.
ChelzTheWolfGirl 29
I'm sorry, but this was too funny Op. Glad you lived !
Z3R0G5 23
Was the lettuce ordered from Amazon?