Today, after beating myself up for being useless and not being able to do anything right, I managed to choke almost to the point of blacking out, on a piece of lettuce. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out what getting slapped in the face with lettuce feels like. FML
Today, I gave myself a major foodgasm by creating an absolutely yummy egg and mushroom salad with mustard. Turns out, though, that my digestive abilities are not quite as good as my culinary ones. FML
Today, I was so hungry and broke that I resorted to drinking salad dressing. FML
Today, out of nowhere, I started violently choking on my own saliva and shat myself in the process. FML
Today, I choked on water so hard that I threw up and shat myself. FML
Today, I attended my first meeting with my bosses. For lunch we went to a restaurant. I choked on a piece of meat and couldn't breathe anymore. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers, and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML
Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML
Today, I punched myself in the face while trying to eat a GoGurt. FML
Today, I entered a hotdog eating contest. I made it up to two, threw up on the rest of them, and fell over. FML
Today, I was eating chicken noodle soup for my lunch. It was perfect until the last bite when it went down the wrong pipe. Choking, I coughed up what I'd already eaten. In front of my coworkers, and all over myself. FML
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Top comments
WhatsOpTic 11
Damn salads these days trying to kill people
Quackadoodledoo 13
Icebergs can be very dangerous.
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Comments (84)
Rob3062 3
I highly doubt that you are useless and I'm sure its just a chain of unfortunate events. Chin up and I hope you have better luck.
name_loading 19
Do you need a hug?
sanecatlady 13
People, even if they aren't particular health nuts, won't stop the hate on all kinds of food products, including the stuff that was supposedly good for me when I was a kid. Bread is poison, milk is garbage, meat is evil, orange juice is more fattening than pop... I'm sorry OP, but I can't help but love the irony of your choking on the one kind of food left in the world that *isn't* supposed to make me fat or sick. But only if it's the dark green kind of lettuce that tastes really bitter.
classiceagle63 16
Well if you were intending to do that then you almost died successfully.
niallo 23
This should be one of those times you should be glad you couldn't do it right.
Masonjar13 10
YDI. You doubted yourself making it virtually inevitable.
abbey728 16
Hang in there, OP. Don't feel too bad. KIK me at asms728 if you ever need to talk :)
tranced_ 45
you shouldn't underestimate yourself.. good days are ahead of you.. good luck
Shadowbay 18
I've choked like that on my own spit at least you can blame it on the lettuce... but hey you survived!! Don't beat yourself up things can get better
cheshireau 26
You don't make friends with salad.. Seriously though, glad you are ok, you were just stressed and didn't masticate enough.
lambda_fml 40
I almost read that as '**********'. That actually might help though.
aznpeaks 7
You are NOT a failure