Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my birthday, was going great until my boyfriend received a text from a girl saying he gave her chlamydia. Now I have no boyfriend, but at least I have the chlamydia keeping me company. FML
Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML
Today, it's my birthday, and I had one to many and my best friend and my boyfriend had to take me home. We went back to my apartment and all squeezed together in my bed. During the night I got sick and spent the rest of the night on the bathroom floor. Later I found out that they'd fucked in my bed. FML
Today, at my physical, I found out that my ex-boyfriend who broke up with me 4 months ago was not only cheating on me, but had also manage to catch chlamydia and give it to me. I'm now dating someone else, so I had to explain that I've had chlamydia for 4 months without knowing, and he should probably get tested. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me by testing myself for STIs/STDs and got a positive result for chlamydia. FML
Today, after trying for months for a baby, I finally got a positive test. For chlamydia. FML
Today, during an unrelated appointment with my GP, he offered me a free check for chlamydia. Despite me reassuring him that I was STI free, he insisted that I should undergo the test. I ended up agreeing, only because I was too embarrassed to admit that I'm still a virgin. FML
Today, after I got wasted about 5 months ago and lost my virginity to a total bitch I used to work with and regretted it straight away, this morning she texts me that she’s pregnant, and that I should probably get an STD screening because she also just found out she has gonorrhoea. FML
Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML
Today, at my bachelorette party, I got so wasted, I ended up giving my stripper a lap dance because he "wasn't doing it properly". There's photos. FML
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Top comments
Sparkiee93 3
Don't be a fool, wrap your tool. You won't get sick if you cover your dick. If you think she's spunky cover your monkey. Don't be silly, cover your willy. Before you attack her wrap your whacker. Don't be a loner cover your boner. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. Don't let your affection give you an infection, put some protection on that erection. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WRAP IT JUST GO HOME AND WHACK IT
Babushka_Homyak 10
That is ****** up. Get new friends.
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Comments (120)
Babushka_Homyak 10
That is ****** up. Get new friends.
iampunk 0
owned.
TheZarola 10
I somewhat agree. His "friends" likely knew that he was drunk and they were irresponsible by letting him have sex like that. YDI OP, obviously, for getting that drunk and having sex with someone you probably didn't know.
TheRealFamilyGuy 5
Best. Friends. Ever.
IronZombie 0
now go ahead and rub their toothbrushes all over your balls and share the wealth
Zebidee 9
Ah, the gift that keeps on giving.
alpmode 5
thats herpes DA
Phustercluck 11
Did you seriously just abbreviate "dumbass?" Also, yes, Herpes keeps on giving. Chlamydia is easily treated with antibiotics.
natas_fml 13
Maybe she thinks he's a district attorney.
haileybyrd 4
haha!! I love your sarcasm.
Doortje 30
They probably did it on purpose. Think hard OP, have you done anything to upset your friends lately?
morgs1 0
consider yourself lucky because ( I may be wrong on this ) I'm pretty sure Chlamidia is curable. in that case you're lucky!!
TurboTalon 0
It's easily treatable so I'm not sure why OP is so upset. Sounds like a pretty great birthday!
sydneynault99 7
haa it is . but agreed , I would've had fun .
zarii 0
woow this is why u gotta find good friends!!
lifeisaterriblem 6
Yea if my friends did that I'd find some way to let them have a share of it.
LemonStarship 5
Word of the day is chlamydia. Now go spread the word!
CreateZ 0
I'd rather the word be "Legs".
tunegzy 0
Stifler ftw!
machiko_fml 0
I see that wasn't the end of their gift for you. Sucks to be you.
nuhuh 1
So what was the stripper's name?
tunegzy 0
Clyde
maybaybe 0
Jason
perdix 31
The stripper's name was Chlamydia, but you were too drunk to get it . . . so you ended up getting it, and getting it. Sorry you forgot the sex. You should have known the pleasure now that peeing is going to be a burning pus-sy ordeal.
Shitz_N_Gigglez 0
Oh perdix. You silly goose.
traze 7
So...ah...your ******. Enjoy the gift.
Phustercluck 11
Don't have sex with strangers, kthnxbai. You could always get back at your friends by finding out who the stripper was and report her for prostitution and your friends for solicitation of a prostitute. Furthermore, if said stripper was literally paid to have sex with you and was not intoxicated, and you were drunk to the point of black-out, then it could be considered rape, or date rape at least.
Phustercluck 11
If I'm considered a tool for being pissed off if my friends had a stripper have sex with me when I'm black-out drunk then so be it. **** all that noise. Also I don't really take this seriously, as it's coming from the guy named "every1luvsboners." Btw, eat a dick bro :D
sucks4you09 0
lol
traze 7
Ah...I guess use protection is the point of this set of rhymes.
Shorty_Shaza 5
#17 I read your comment in a happy childish song kind of way because of the rhyming... Am I insane??
Phustercluck 11
#22 The only 2 words in that sentence that rhyme are "you're" and "sure." Maybe I'm missing something.
Phustercluck 11
If it says he doesn't remember anything that happened last night, that's called a black-out you ******* idiot.
smartguy13v 2
your right and he's wrong that's all there is to it but I doubt he would report his own friends
Phustercluck 11
Meant "that" night. Selective amnesia...are you serious? It says"I don't remember the night of the birthday BECAUSE I was hammered." Waiting for the part where you make look stupid. You've insulted me several more times than I have, you. Ok "son?"
Phustercluck 11
It doesn't, meant "that night." Selective amnesia....are you serious? It says "I didn't remember the night of the birthday BECAUSE I was hammered." Still waiting for the part where you make me look stupid. You've insulted me several more times than I have, you. Ok "son?" Done arguing with the obvious 15 year old. Let me reiterate that you should eat a dick.
jerkheadguy 1
23, girls that get drunk should control their holes and not cry rape then no?
EvilDave 13
Hey, asshole, he was so drunk he doesn't remember the night.
xcrashxloved 0
You are my hero(x
movingtarget_fml 4
How many times have you commented. a bitch like you should GET a dick