Today, a grasshopper jumped into my car. As my boyfriend swiped at it, the grasshopper jumped onto my chest and into my shirt. Instead of helping me get it out, my boyfriend leaned back and said, "It got to second base faster than I did." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I saw a grasshopper in the urinal so I decided to pee on it. It jumped out, scared the hell out of me, and I peed all over myself. FML
Today, I smacked a big mosquito that had landed on my leg. My boyfriend then said to me, "I wonder if their mouth snaps off when you slap them, and now it’s stuck in your skin." Thanks. Thanks a lot. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having dinner with my family. He killed a bug and ate it. FML
Today, when confronting my boyfriend about slapping a girl's ass in the club, he claimed: "There was a mosquito on it." FML
Today, as someone with a large chest, I'm used to sometimes finding food in my clothes at the end of the day. However, when I took off my bra off, I found half of a dead grasshopper. FML
Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were in my backyard goofing around when he tried to pick me up. He couldn't. I jokingly tried to lift him. I did so without much effort. FML
Today, I woke up with a dead cockroach and its guts all over my forehead. My boyfriend responded by laughing and saying "Poor guy, never had a chance to see the world." FML
Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was moving his hand from his thigh to my chest but on the way he sort of squeezed my stomach. When I asked him why he did that, he told me that "his fingers got stuck under my roll." FML
Today, I tried to surprise my boyfriend by jumping into his arms. He panicked, stepped aside, and I crashed into the couch. FML
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Top comments
UrNotFunny 0
horny grasshoppers.
mshoes12346 3
silly grasshopper, boobs are for dudes!
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Comments (152)
UrNotFunny 0
horny grasshoppers.
pandemic_fml 0
Well, 1, you know what they say: Good things come to those who don't ask permission. ;)
ifyouseekamy666 0
hahahah I like this fml ydi for not laughing too :P
Specterk50 0
mmm lucky grasshoppers
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Grasshoppers are disgusting exhibitionists. I've seen them **** in windows, on sidewalks, hell, that Armstrong guy prolly saw em doin the deed right there on our holy moon!
goldenone 2
not an fml
CitizenSnipz 0
when I was napping, my pet rat crawled up my pants.
KingDingALing 9
^^^^ YDI for having a pet rat. Anyways, OP, don't give him any sex tonight for not helping you get the grasshopper out of your shirt.
HeretoBlame 3
how is that suppose to happen if the bf hasnt even been that far or he hasn't been frequently...
The_Shaman_Of_Se 0
haha
iSitt 0
I heard grasshoppers taste like dried shrimp shells but gamey
Comatose27 0
haha 69 talked about sex.. win. xD and the bf didn't even get to second yet, it looks like. i don't think they're going to hop bases..
atticuz 2
He's upset with himself.
hd9280 0
grasshopper *****! lol.
TheIrishJaneDoe 9
64: My ferret does that!
1221jamw 11
also look at the picture :p
crazykidd15 0
hahahahaha
klid 0
ur a badass cuz u smoke
anythingidontnee 0
you have learned well young grasshoper
andyness 0
Epic.
franniedottp 8
my little sister is deathly afraid of grasshoppers. I had to take one outside over the summer, but it kept on coming in through the window. then at school once, one jumped on her head, and when she came home, it was in her pants. all grasshoppers are perverts, just that one was a pedo-hopper :P
thtsuxs 0
squish the grasshopper with your boobs....just squeeze them knockers together
loserman67 36
cousins of horney toads no doubt
chrstygrl06 10
hahaha that's hilarious!
aardvarkish 17
Ditto
mshoes12346 3
silly grasshopper, boobs are for dudes!
starile 20
Naw, naw, naw, noobs are for dudes and opportunistic wildlife.
starile 20
Oh wow, the T9 on my phone knows the word "noobs" better than the word "boobs". I obviously need to write about breasts more often.
iskusmarines 0
#32 lol you must be a huge nerd:)
fritz2 0
b and n are on different keys. t9 wouldn't mess it up.
FireBug24_7 0
Actually it would....... none does that too. Boobs or noobs? Maybe a noob with boobs! More fun. >:D
Tasanasanta 0
32- You're such a boob >:D
michabailey 8
He probably doesn't mean T9 then. I think he means the autocorrect.
nerdsgetmehot 23
#36 There's nothing wrong with being a nerd...
kyle1991 0
obviously people have never seen what the blackberry pearl looks like, the b and the n are on the same key
Gumbinator 11
fail! XD haha that's jokes! =p
redbluegreen 41
Like the grasshopper, he too won't live to see tomorrow.
Graawr 7
You're funny. :D
takeapieandrun 9
Boyfriend WIN!
cn5692 0
agree
Lushhhhhh 0
FTW.
Tasanasanta 0
Grasshopper knows where the goodies are. Boyfriend is an asshole(unless he's new but I doubt it)
overthelimit 3
your boyfriend should have helped you instead of complaining about second base.
Subtext 10
It is just a grasshopper...and how exactly would you expect him to help?
redbluegreen 41
He could try to help get it out of her shirt. Then, the OP could be so overwhelmed with appreciation and respect, he'd hit a home run. But I think what would happen if he did attempt to help, she'd squirm, scream, and elbow him in the nose.
HeretoBlame 3
ya i dont think her boyfriend would pass out on that opportunity.
FMyLifeCereal 0
You have the sense of humor one would expect from a fan of Chevelle & the Fray.
nature_girl_08 14
it's a GRASSHOPPER. what's it going to do, infest her with it's babies or something? if my boyfriend had said something like that, i would have laughed. it's not that hard to get a bug out of your own shirt. she should have taken the joke instead of jumping on FML to complain about her boyfriend not helping her with a freaking bug >_>
lifeguardd 0
number 138 speaks the truth. hahaa. what her bf said is hilarious. dont dump him ever! ;p
twinkybandit 2
hilarious... don't see the fyl part tho, stop bein such a pussy.
Tasanasanta 0
Her boyfriend is pissed he's not getting any, that's the FML
DarkWaffle 0
yeah..FHL for not getting any
craphappened 4
What did u expect him to do? Reach down your shirt to grab the hopper or pull down your shirt and bra to get it out?
starile 20
Awww yeeeaahh
iskusmarines 0
15 exactly what I was thinking. That was a lose lose for him. it was either help you out by reaching down your shirt, or make a snappy comment about second base.
InDenial 6
Exactly. Not a big deal anyway. I thought this website was called F my life, not F my day.
redbluegreen 41
"The site is a recollection of everyday anecdotes likely to happen to anyone. They are published on the site and written exclusively by our users. This site is a place to “let it all out” and unwind by sharing those little things that screw with your day; it allows you to realize that you are not alone." If you want something pessimistic, this probably isn't the site for you, since in the intro it says "Little things that screw with your day" not "things that **** you over for life."
RedPillSucks 33
RGB, they need to put this on the FML FAQ, along with "What does OP mean" and "What does YDI mean". There should be a link that says "FAQ me", or "FAQ my life".
sourgirl101 29
But what does FAQ mean? Sorry for the corny joke-Frequently Asked Question- just for those that don't know already.
craphappened 4
40, the comment was a win though. Anyway, I think the FML here is that the boyfriend refused to go to second base with her even though he had a legit excuse to.
TheIrishJaneDoe 9
I'm a bit confused, since they weren't gettin' hot and heavy at the time. Is it really going to second base if there isn't a game in session, or is it just a short walk on a ballfield?
RedPillSucks 33
Doesn't matter whether you got walked or hit the ball, as long as you're on base!
Pro_Nothing 9
That's what people usually do, Duhhh.
redbluegreen 41
Well, since hardly anyone reads the rules and the introduction anyway, I doubt putting it on the FAQ would help it be seen any more than it already is. Since the site is user oriented, the staff probably assumes people with either A) ask one another, or B) Google it. I do agree that the rules should be more obvious though.