Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, in the middle of sex, my girlfriend yelled, "STUFF ME LIKE A TURKEY!" I couldn't finish. FML
Today, while my girlfriend was going down on me, she looked up at me and said, in a high-pitched voice, "Yummy yummy yummy yummy yummy!" FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend out for lunch, and I asked her if I could have a bite of her meal. She took it to mean I was calling her fat, and stormed out. FML
Today, I decided to treat my girlfriend by eating her out. After a while I thought she was going to cum, but instead she farted in my mouth. FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. It was going well until she started talking dirty, saying stuff like, "You like my tushy, baby?" "I want to fellate you so bad," and "You'll need some ice after this one." My boner practically retracted into my body. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She promptly had a panic attack and screamed, "No!" FML
Today, while going down on my girlfriend, she stopped moaning and told me to stop because she couldn't fake it anymore. FML
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Top comments
loveyouall81 2
noob
mintcar 10
Ew, be gentle. You're not supposed to go at it like that.
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Comments (227)
mad_hatter0666 22
OMG. lol
Lizza330 28
I don't get it.
CableFrog 3
If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend (or when you get one) and you are at that base, show them the FML and ask them to demonstrate.
DocBastard 40
Lizza, this is very simple. OP was at a taco-eating contest, and his girlfriend wanted to win. So she told him it was NOT a contest just to confuse him so she could win. Make sense?
cdatribe23 0
LMFAO^^^
SirEBC 7
It all makes so much sense now..
bananamonkee 0
hahahaahahhaahha nice somethings should be kept a mystery
instnt1nfction 17
I thought they were munching *******
prinzess_fml 25
Elle cherchait dans l'œil de sa pâle victime le cantique muet que chante le plaisir et cette gratitude infinie et sublime qui sort de la paupière ainsi qu'un long soupir. - " Hippolyte, cher coeur, que dis-tu de ces choses ? Comprends-tu maintenant qu'il ne faut pas offrir l'holocauste sacré de tes premières roses aux souffles violents qui pourraient les flétrir ? Mes baisers sont légers comme ces éphémères qui caressent le soir les grands lacs transparents et ceux de ton amant creuseront leurs ornières comme des chariots ou des socs déchirants.
Sirin_fml 47
Prinzess: s'il te plaît, parle anglais; c'est pas VDM. :)
prinzess_fml 25
Well at least it's not off-topic :-) Baudelaire, by the way
Sirin_fml 47
It's lovely, but I fear the beauty is lost on a lot of our non French-speaking readers!
prinzess_fml 25
Sorry if someone felt excluded! Actually I wanted to tease you a little and see if you were going to translate it too. ;) "Whoever likes you well gives you hell!" Good night!
prinzess_fml 25
Dear broderick: *sigh*. Really *sigh*. I hate it when my little phrase turns out, once again, to be correct. You're definitely "trop beau pour être hétéro" (= too handsome to be straight)! (Haters, check out his info before you shoot at me.) At least I hope you're a sperm donor, the world needs your genes!
KasCiaYr 0
Dear Princess.. Girls that miss the looks or the gentleness of homosexual man in heterosexual man should set their priorities straight first. Often it's a case of not discover sexuality yet and THINKING that you like man, but actally looking for a feminine features. Just pointing you out at something...
prinzess_fml 25
I don't really understand but is there some homophobic innuendo there? And no I don't miss anything, happily engaged. But hey, this was humour. And second, yes I am bi. Do you have a problem with that?
KasCiaYr 0
No homophobic innuendo here. Besides I am bi myself. Just keeping the conversation interesting:)
that_band_nerd 22
# 107, *WOOSH* There goes another wonderful joke! Wasted on clueless people.
JGoD24 5
Learn to eat pussy!
BayBeezy 0
yadarrra!!?
zembof 3
nam nam nam ;)
burninnapalm 5
Come tacos rosa mal porque piensa que es alimento, pero yo no le puedo culpar porque prueba como pez
BayBeezy 0
el punto es: PRUEBA, no come...y a veces sabe a pollo....pero no se traga. duh
pinkybear7 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
this is America.
skorpien 1
And in certain parts of "America" they speak Spanish. Your point?
burninnapalm 5
pinkeybear, you do realize that the web in and of itself is not American right? there is a reason why it is called the WORLD WIDE web... it means people WORLD WIDE get on, including websites like FML. Your ignorance is why everyone else hates Americans
DocBastard 40
No pinkybear, YOU'RE in America. OP is in Switzerland, Fmylife.com is French, and a great many of the commenters here are not American. Get a goddamned clue before making stupid statements like that.
Azull_fml 8
Congratulations, Pinkybear7!! You know where you are! **|*/* ^_^ **|*/*
nocanhaz 4
Does anybody know what they said in Spanish? I have a feeling it was funny but I can't comprehend it.
RedPillSucks 33
use google translate.
Sirin_fml 47
Nocanhaz: él piensa que las vaginas saben a pez. Tal vez debes dejar de hacer sexo oral mientras está en el mar.
burninnapalm 5
that comment got moderated?!?! I have seen worse things posted... FML...
MuchDance90s 0
if writing in coherent English is a Pre-req to using this site, over 80 per cent of us are in deep shyte
BayBeezy 0
mmmm-hmm
wikkedphuka 0
dog is pretty
ashrandom 0
Aw. it's called Google.
xmarkstheheart 0
It's interesting how telling you to chill out tells you absolutely NOTHING about what she thinks you're doing wrong! Sounds like you've got a bitch on your hands there, buddy. FYL.
fthku 13
Exactly what I was thinking. (Except you shouldn't should call her a bitch, might be she just had a bad day, but that's still no way to do it) Apparently, startling her boyfriend and probably kicking his confidence down by yelling at him is better than saying "Whoa, slow down baby" and then proceeding to offer constructive criticism. Reverse the roles and you'll have an FML loaded with "Wow, what an asshole, dump him!"
graceless_monkey 0
very true! if she has a problem with what you are doing, then constructive criticism would be the correct response.
correllj 0
lmaooo she cant handle it soo did u finish
Troll1 0
it's taco time.