Today, I awoke to my cat with micro pellets all over him. He'd destroyed a pillow containing them, and now there are thousands of these pellets throughout the entire house. My vacuum is broken. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, our rodent problem was taken care of. I discovered this when my cat projectile-vomited a soggy, death-scented wad of dark fur and tiny organs onto the couch. FML
Today, I awoke to find a giant turd on my carpet, cat hair everywhere in my room, and a big hole in my window screen. I don't own a cat. FML
Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML
Today, I bought a new beanbag chair. My cat thought it was a great scratcher and I now have thousands of tiny plastic balls around the house. He decided those looked yummy, and now the scent of vomit and plastic is awful. FML
Today, I got home after a spending a week recovery from surgery. My neighbour had been feeding my cat whilst I was away. Exhausted, I went straight to my bedroom where I soon discovered that my cat had shat on my pillows, duvet, and pyjamas. FML
Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML
Today, I got into bed as my cat crept under it. I then heard him gagging, so I instantly got back up to get him out, because my floor is carpeted. As I pulled him into the hall, he flew upwards, made a horrific "Blagh!" sound, projectile vomited everywhere, then hit the wall and ran. FML
Today, my cat attempted to make up for my insomnia with a dead mouse. I have no idea where he got it. FML
Today, I was woken up at 5:15 AM to the lovely sounds of my cat barfing in three different places on my bedroom carpet. FML
Today, in the early hours of the morning, my cat started scratching at my legs. I got out of bed and he raced me to the stairs, tripping me. I fell all the way down and landed in cat poop. FML
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Top comments
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
Bummer. Maybe this means you should buy a new vacuum.
iAmScrubs 19
Make a ball pit with the pellets. Who doesn't love ball pits? I still go to the McDonald's play pen just for the ball pit.
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Comments (152)
Nath1G 4
oh no!!
LuHGiiiT 11
...there's balls everywhere!!
LiveLaughFML 10
get to stepping and use a broom!
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
Is that how you use that frase, " get to steppin' "? I always thought that it was a stupid way of telling someone to **** off, like scram or kick rocks. Was it just me? Anyone else? No takers, no?
LiveLaughFML 10
aha #29: i honestly don't know. I've never actually heard someone say it. that would be pretty weird. :P
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
31: Especially if they say "stepping" instead of "steppin' ". Then it just sounds like a mid-life crisis.
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
I can just imagine the owner when te see the little white balls all over, "oh no! OH NO!!! Oh No!!!!" And the kitty with a wicked grin busts through a wall and says "ohh yeeeaaahh(said in kool-aid man's voice)". And then the owner hits the kitty in it's stomach with a baseball bat and the kitty's kool-aid juice spills all over the ground. The owner screams(in Cartman's voice) "bad kitty!!!!!!" Like that? South Park and Family guy reference all in one comment.
StoryOfTheYear 15
29- I'm going to sit here and wait until you tell me that you meant to misspell phrase.
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
41: yes, as I addressed it in 35, say the frase out loud to yourself right now pronouncing the "G" in "stepping". Now pronounce it without the "G" as in "steppin". Does or does it not sound like someone going through a mid-life crisis with the "G" pronounced?
Enslaved 38
44, I don't think you understand what soty is asking. Hahaha I believe he was trying to make fun of your phase/frase misspell. (:
Enslaved 38
44, I don't think you understand what soty is asking. Hahaha I believe he was trying to make fun of your phase/frase misspell. (:
madidaywalt 0
phrase.. learn to spell
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
41, 49, 51: I know I spelt "phrase" wrong. It was intentional due the OP's usage of "broke" instead of "broken" at the end of their FML, but the FML has been moderated now so my joke doesn't make sense. Hopefully now you will understand.
DocBastard 40
Yes Miss Mustard, a likely excuse. And I'm sure your dog ate your homework, the check's in the mail, etc.
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
67- Think whatever you want. If I made a grammatical error I would have said that I am a ******* idiot and crawled back in my corner. It was an intentional joke. If you don't get it or believe it, that's your problem not mine. And it's actually Mrs now, i just got married the 19th. =)) I should put that on my profile.
DocBastard 40
That's some veeeeeeeeery subtle "humour" you got there, ma'am. I have a feeling no one else got it either.
enonymous 9
Colonel Mustard must be a very happy man.
Finn_the_human 5
Curiosity killed the cat
morgan320 0
This situation really sucks!
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
80 lol he is. We were planning our wedding for April 2011 when we found out we were expecting so we pushed the date back to August.
boopityboppity 11
How'd curiosity kill the... *chokes and dies*
LedZeppelin1109 0
It's not even that bad of a situation... You just need to get off your ass and instead of writing this fml put some effort into it and just get it over with. Would take someone 10 minutes, big deal.
LedZeppelin1109 0
Is it the op who moderates comments?
Shrike 24
no, the moderators do. DERP. read the rules maybe?
enonymous 9
Im shocked no one has said this yet. "Amy Winehouse would have found a way without a vacuum cleaner"
LedZeppelin1109 0
They moderated a comment in which I essentially said, don't be lazy and just clean it up... I don't see why that was moderated.
LedZeppelin1109 0
Odd... They took down 2 of my comments
Driveshaft 5
Pussy beads?
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
Bummer. Maybe this means you should buy a new vacuum.
Fruit_Dealer 9
Or this could mean... House sled!!!
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
Great idea!! They can use the old POS vacuum as the sled and the broken broom to build momentum!
Stonedmanalex 0
Such a dirty dirty man
MyCleverName 2
56, great play on 2's name... Gotta Love The Beatles!
Mean_Mr_Mustard 9
(says in a quivering voice as tears of joy swell in my eyes and sappy romance movie music starts to play) You don't know how long I have waited to hear someone say that!!
HomeAl0ne 20
No, just rub your cat with a balloon to charge it up with static electricity and let in wander around the house until it resembles a large foam ball with legs.
qwacktastick 8
Or a new pet
SteelCladAngel 0
Better borrow one or get a new one, theyre dangerous for pets and humans to inhale or consume
tanneriscool 2
I've got balls all over my pussy... Umm cat!!
orphinz 3
Use the art of magic...
tigerlilypop 7
Poor penguin blood everywhere.Penguin blood destroys micro pellets.
Penguinman909 7
Wait, what did you say about penguins?
iAmScrubs 19
Make a ball pit with the pellets. Who doesn't love ball pits? I still go to the McDonald's play pen just for the ball pit.
IndigoAcrylic 9
I think you just like...BALLS (; Jk xD
loserman67 36
The ball pit at McDonald's???? The ball pit that the little kids piss in and wipe their booger fingers in??? You actually go into that den of filth??? I hope your tetanus shots are up to date.....
FUUUandyourmom 16
There's a ball pit at McDonald's?
Weetart 8
Buy a new vacuum...the expensive kind.
mgsoloist 14
D-D-D-DYSON. I love it :)
IndigoAcrylic 9
The only solution is...MICRO PELLET FIGHT!!! ;D
allforus 5
Your avatar is so awesome! But now I can't get the theme song out of my head...
jerico616 14
Cats are evil! Hopefully it chokes on one of the pellets!
ShroomsOnAcid 17
Only if you don't know how to deal with them, or if they've been raised to fear/hate humans. You gotta earn their friendship. If you want an unconditional little slave, get a dog.
mgsoloist 14
11-what is your picture..?? Like a demonic angel thing sucking on a *****...?
jerico616 14
Dogs suck, too!
Stonedmanalex 0
11- doesnt do enough acid or shrooms
Juliet4evr 0
You suck cat hater. And judging by your picture, you literally do.
zombiekitten87 12
I hope you choke on pellets. Ass.
hockey199813 5
Your a little sick minded.
Ferretface 13
Did anyone else read 64's comment and read it like, "You suck cat, hater"?
cupcakesnpot 9
103 your comment made me giggle (: and I personally did not read it that way, to answer your question.
hockey199813 5
Cats are awesome
Enslaved 38
Yes, they are!
disneyfan101 6
It's a sign!! Your cat is begging you to clean the house :p
Izabushel 65
Hahaha! Very good.