Today, I'm forced to eat half a package of saltine crackers in my room for dinner. I can't go downstairs to the kitchen because my two roommates are going at it on our kitchen table. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my roommates decided to do some experimental baking. To be supportive, I tried one of their creations. I've been alternating between vomiting and diarrhea for the past hour. My jaw is sore from vomiting, and I can barely muster the energy to flush between "switching sides" anymore. FML
Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML
Today, I ate dinner sitting on the floor. My petty roommate got pissed off during the weekend and decided the appropriate action would be to lock all the furniture in her room and refuse to give it back. FML
Today, I was given a powerful laxative to clear me out. I can't go to the bathroom because the four guests of my sleeping roommate are all sitting in dead silence against the paper-thin bathroom wall. FML
Today, for the third time in less than a week, my dumbass roommate has a bunch of friends over. None of them are wearing masks and I don't feel comfortable leaving my room. I'm fucking starving and can't go to the kitchen to get food. The idiot is a fucking nursing major. FML
Today, I wake up only to find that my roommates cooked all my food. Now I'm starving and the place smells like delicious bacon. FML
Today, I realized how stagnant my life has become when, while eating some leftover salad with crackers I'd left out the night before, I decided to open some new crackers and put them with the stale, and giggled to myself about the excitement of "cracker roulette." FML
Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML
Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic so to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her. Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML
Today, my mom tried to ground me. In the apartment that I own. Because I didn't eat enough of the dinner that I'd made. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Pentium_4 27
ahhh of course. i'll bet their goal is to do it in every room in the house, so eventually they're going to do it in your bed while you're gone!
yahoowizard 16
Order pizza, get the camera ready, then wait for the delivery guy to get there. And then profit.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (157)
WOGBRO 6
You need stain remover
jideare 3
Don't be anti social. Go join in!?
Arch27 27
You need a spray bottle. Hose them down with icy water and treat them like animals doing something wrong. Yell "No! No! Off!" as you spray them.
Anorien 0
Push them off the table.
NateSkye 3
Just make your dinner, grab the controls and try to turn them down?
bellaoblio 0
Next time, set up a camera and sell the result for money for a new table... Or rolls of plastic wrap to cover bangable surfaces for easy, DNA-free cleanup!
alfred07 18
Just go get some food, if they don't like being interrupted they shouldn't have sex in such a public place.
mbrooks5110 0
I'd go anyway.
kei1108 13
It's a shared house. You can't let them dominate your space like that. Talk to them, please?
SaMmIMonster96 6
170- thanks, I would rather be gross than be a goody goody who says stupid shit trying to sound cool