Today, I caught my idiot son with a pencil up his penis, because apparently he wanted to see if he could use it to write with as a party trick to impress girls. I demanded he take it out, which he did, but the rubber eraser stayed inside his penis. Now I’m spending my Sunday holding his hand in A&E. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, thanks to my son leaving his sharpened colouring pencils all over the sofa before I sat down, I had to go to hospital with a deep hole poked in my left testicle. I always suspected he didn’t want younger siblings but this is going too far. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom to find my son cleaning his penis. It wouldn't have been so bad if he wasn't cleaning it with a toothbrush. FML
Today, my 18-year old son decided to run his hand over our wooden fence to try and get a splinter, as he "forgot what they felt like." Last month, he stabbed himself in the arm with a sewing needle because he "forgot what an injection feels like." I raised this idiot. FML
Today, I was babysitting an eleven year-old boy. He decided we would play with Nerf guns with Velcro tips. I shot him in the crotch accidentally, and the dart stuck to his pants, and he wiggled it for about a full minute before his dad walked in to find us both staring at his son's crotch, giggling. FML
Today, I had to pick up my son from school because he was constantly talking about his "Giant pen." In mid-July, I got him a giant-sized pen (writing utensil) and he liked it very much. Apparently, one of the teachers had their mind in the gutter and thought he was talking about… you know what. FML
Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML
Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
jkjorn 18
Is this Richard Pencil's origin story?
RichardPencil 32
No! It nearly made Richard Pencil bring up his lunch!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (8)
Liam Rowley 17
It is a good thing you probably don’t want grandkids anymore 😅
jkjorn 18
Is this Richard Pencil's origin story?
RichardPencil 32
No! It nearly made Richard Pencil bring up his lunch!
cuz803 46
FML staff needs to create a legendary comments section and add this one to it 😂
SirEnigM0nk 22
You have won the Internet today.
SirEnigM0nk 22
That is NOT how a rubber works! Then again, same result...
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
"Now I’m spending my Sunday holding his hand in A&E" Hope you remembered to get him to wash it first.
kevinwm0 15
My first thought when I read this was, "He shoved it up his penis the WRONG WAY"?!? My next thought was, is there a right way to shove a pencil up your penis?
Taurus_ChicKa 37
I'd like to thank everyone for their hilarious comments on this one. They really made my day! To the OP, how old is your son? Surely old enough to know better if his motivation for doing such an asinine thing was to impress girls. Which, just so he knows, no girl in her right mind would find that impressive.
ThorCTF 12
I'll never understand why dudes who want to impress girls always pick the dumbest thing that would impress no woman even if they succeed?