Today, my wife found out my son masturbated and wanted to send him to counseling. Thinking she was overreacting, I told her I masturbated when I was a teen so he should turn out like me. She began sobbing uncontrollably. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I caught my young son watching porn so, not wanting to give him a warped view of sex and love, I was giving him the proper sex talk when my religious mother walked in, realised what we were talking about, and started screaming about sin and hell and diseases, and he ran off crying. FML
Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML
Today, my wife caught me masturbating to porn. She screamed at me and asked why I would be masturbating when I had her to have sex with. So I asked if she wanted to have sex, she said no. FML
Today, I had to explain to my sobbing teenage daughter why you can't get pregnant from masturbating. FML
Today, my son walked in on me masturbating. Now, whenever I don't do whatever he wants, he blackmails me. FML
Today, I woke up to my wife yelling at my 11-year-old because she found porn on the laptop. Now I have to come clean and tell her it was me so I can get him off the hook. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, after discovering that our son is already sexually active, I asked my husband to have a talk with him. "Remember, son, it's all about the clit", wasn't what I had in mind. FML
Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML
Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML
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Top comments
sportmaster525 0
wow that is one super conservative wife
blah123blah 0
LOL! Its kinda natural...
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Comments (194)
eli_guerra 0
In some countries, masturbation is penalized with decapatation. The question is which head?
themixedt4pe 0
Tell your wife how much safer his masturbating is than having sex and getting somebody pregnant. No offense, but she sounds kind of psycho, like everything your son does that even SOUNDS atypical (rest assured that masturbation is certainly not at all out of the ordinary) means there's something wrong with him. I feel super sorry for your son if that's the case... =(
themixedt4pe 0
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/200903/how-common-is-masturbation-really Roughly half of people ********** according to that study. So, either your wife's crazy, or half of the entire country is. Which sounds more likely to you?
sickinlove13 0
Did she not have sex ed? Masturbating is normal. Your wife's an idiot.
aravol 0
Sex ed? Heh, that's a matter of where you grow up: my high school health class, required to graduate, covered sex by preaching abstinence to us. The ONE time the word 'condom' even came up was when the teacher was informing us that they do NOT work against genital warts. I very nearly injured myself with the resulting face-desk. Back to topic, though; yes, you're wife is a crazy bitch, and I hope she reads all these comments. All of them. Hiiii~! :D
dramakat11 0
ugh I know #158 I had the ******* abstinence bullshit in health class too. I got kicked out of the class for talking so much shit to that dumb bitch preaching to us.
ltm6302 0
everybody might not do it, but those who do, are MUCH better in bed because they know how to handle their junk and last longer. and as a woman, i personally quite enjoy sex, but sometimes, you just want to do it yourself. as for being immoral.... i just read the 10 commandments, and god didn't say a single damn thing about enjoying the equipment he gave you
aravol 0
Heh, there's more than ten, and there is mention of 'spilling one's seed.' Now can someone please explain to the authors, though, that ONE of MILLIONS of sperm are ever used for procreation, and the rest are just as 'spilled' as if they'd been masturbated out?? What, they're all dead? FML.
jaybirdka 0
You married a crazy bitch. Sending a kid to counseling for jerking off will do nothing but royally **** his head up.
themixedt4pe 0
Agreed. If you ever want grandkids, don't send him to counseling. You run the risk of making him ashamed of sex in general, not just masturbation.
vreddy92 5
FYL for having a crazy wife. F your sons L also for having a crazy mom. She's obviously overly religious...or insane.
relicdude36 0
your wife is a stupid bitch, wait sorry CRAZY bitch
AnnieLennox1954 0
Sir, your wife is a dipshit.
4ube_fml 6
wtf, what's wrong with people in the us thinking masturbating is wrong ? foetus ********** inside the mother's belly, come on
omigawdd 0
lmao this FML reminded me of when i was a younger. ( i was twelve) the guys in my class used to jack off in class to make them selves get a boner. when they did they get some girl to tell them who had the biggest dick. ( yes it was nasty) and if their wasnt a judge they would see who could touch the bottom of their desks with their dicks :P:P