Today, I found out just how easy it is to be launched against the wall and sucker-punched into oblivion by a 200-pound former Marine turned professional body-builder. I discovered this after I told my fiancée's dad that we were expecting a baby. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my 250 lb ex-Marine dad announced he was going to start randomly punching me in the crotch, without warning, to "improve my reflexes." FML
Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Today, my Kung Fu-trained father found out that my boyfriend, a Krav Maga student, got me pregnant. Since I'm only 17, my dad got extremely mad. Several broken bones and a few ambulances later, it looks like a Steven Seagal movie happened in my house. FML
Today, I woke up after my pregnant fiancée punched me in the face. Apparently, I rolled over in my sleep and knocked her out of bed. She is still pissed about it. FML
Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML
Today, I was walking up to girlfriend's house when her terrifying Marine Corps dad threw a football at me. Not being very athletic, I surprised myself by catching it. He gestured for me throw it back and I watched it spiral wildy to the left and hit my girlfriend's mom in the face. FML
Today, I got knocked over at the park by a rampant dog. My fiancé stood by laughing his ass off as I repeatedly tried to stand up, only to be knocked back down again. I'm seven months pregnant. FML
Today, I had a gym date with a girl from Tinder. As soon as I saw her loading up the 45s, I knew I was in trouble. She could squat and leg-press over 100 lbs more than me on both. Somehow she let me come over that night anyway. I challenged her to a wrestling match to try and gain back my pride, then she made me tap out. FML
Today, I started training for a charity boxing match. When I got home and walked through the door, my dad punched me in the stomach to test my reaction time. As I lay on the floor trying to catch my breath, he said my reaction time was "terrible". FML
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Top comments
newbiehere99 6
So I guess that's the only baby you'll be expecting?
ThatGenericGuy 6
What if they're twins?
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Comments (221)
foreveriowa 16
maybe the Fiancé should of told him
laden_swallow09 35
*should've
21jason 9
It would suck more of your wife wasn't actually pregnant or if it's not yours..
OffToTheGayBar 9
Everything can always suck more. "My mom died." "At least your dad's in that coma. He's still alive, technically. He could've been murdered, too. Thank God for hospitals, eh?"
dsbs 9
What
pinkpixie06 11
As the wife of a former marine, I know that is how they congratulate each other. (j/k) Hope he comes around! Congrats on the baby!
may651 14
Congrats op and I am sorry. That is not nice.
b0ngs 7
He should've been happy for you two even if it is out of wedlock. But hey, atleast you're getting married and will raise the baby as a couple.
newbiehere99 6
That's his way of saying, "Welcome to the family"
perdix 31
Was he oiled up and wearing his tiny thong when he laid the beat-down on you? That'll teach you to wait 'til marriage.
llamalpaca382 13
Oh Perdix...
perdix 31
Yep, the herd doesn't go for "birth out of wedlock" barbs. Good thing I didn't mention the OP must be week because he's a vegetarian.
unknown_user5566 27
Perdix, tsk tsk. It's weak, m'dear.
FiestaInMyPants 8
Not even trying to get all nit-picky on you, but "week" instead of "weak" is the first mistake I've seen you make on FML. :P
galacticstorm 6
hey he's probably having an off day people,I think his many funny comments make up for those very rare and few mistakes,no?
alshygirl 14
Huh?
tmmundy 17
66/67....OMG!!!! Now you both can see the world is not perfect. Everyone makes mistakes now and then, some more than others. I can't stand when people correct every little grammar mistake people make on here. It's FML, not English class. it will be okay. lol
unknown_user5566 27
131- OMG!!!! Now that we have that out of the way... I don't correct "every little grammar mistake". I usually only correct people when they have effectively butchered the English language. I pointed it out to Perdix because he very, very rarely makes mistakes. It's funny that no one usually gets upset about someone correcting grammar normally... Must just be a coincidence everyone is jumping to Perdix's defense since he's a well known poster! ;)
kumar1995 4
u should have waited till honeymoon to do all the dirty stuff
CoffeeChickBlows 13
ROFL. Spoken like a joyless, sheltered drone.
HooyoMacaan 7
There's nothing wrong with waiting till marriage before you have sex.. :D matter of opinion really.. Personally I believe that you should wait till you find a person worthy of your goods lol. Even better, if they are your spouse.
onealmxwilson 18
You better hope your kid doesn't grow up to be anything like him or he'll kick your ass when you tell him to clean his room.
Drizzelhell 3
Ya should have expected it. Why? Because he is and ex-marine more than likely ptsd driven and now on steroids. Hmmm think about it.
onealmxwilson 18
Not every body builder is on steroids. Why would you assume that?
chaseiscool1 0
**** you, my dad was a marine. I find you offensive and if I meet you in real life, I will kick your ass!
DasHaas 9
You totally convinced us ex-marines know how to properly behave, considering how they raised you.