Today, some muscle-head showed up at my house and started beating on me. Turned out my son had been posing online as a Navy SEAL, using a picture of me, and had dared this guy to come over and fight him. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my son visited for the first time in three years, asking to stay a while. It turns out he insulted someone online and gave his address in case they wanted to fight him. They accepted the offer, and so my son's imaginary Muay Thai skills went AWOL, along with his testicles. FML
Today, I came home to my son crying and packing a bag, with his laptop smashed on the floor. He said he needed to run away because a "crazy military guy" was coming to kill him. I logged in to his account and found that someone had sent him the Navy SEAL copypasta. He's 16. FML
Today, I found out someone, most likely my psycho ex, has been posing as me on local interest websites, trolling a load of people, and giving them my address so they can come fight me. I found this out when a gentleman showed up at my house wanting to beat me shitless. FML
Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I'm a 230-pound former soldier. He's a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML
Today, my son, who to my great shame is a typical bully, was suspended for bullying a disabled girl. Her father must have been the biggest, meanest, most tattooed ex-marine I've ever seen. He blamed me for bad parenting, and I actually peed myself a little in fear, which he saw too. FML
Today, my son is having housing issues, so I let him stay at my place for a while. Today, he found out that the quiet, dorky-looking professor who lives next door is an MMA fighter. He tried to break into the guy's house in the middle of the night and is now in the hospital. FML
Today, a guy came by my house and demanded my fiancé come out and fight. He explained that my fiancé had been stupid enough to not only troll on a local interest forum, but to leave his name and our address, inviting people to "come shut me up if you think you're tough enough." FML
Today, I found out why my son has been working out and taking martial arts classes. It was so he could beat his stepbrother up and put him in the hospital, as revenge for stealing his secret cash supply, over £4000. I'm too old and too tired for this. FML
Today, a punk-looking college kid was making fun of my mentally handicapped son. Out of anger, I punched him in the face. I got handcuffed and thrown into a police car. The kid stood there laughing and pointing at me. FML
Today, I paid my daughter a surprise visit, only to see her husband beating her. I charged in and slammed him into the wall. She screamed at me to stop. They'd recently gotten into martial arts and were sparring, and now he's got a broken arm. FML
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Top comments
igg125 30
Stolen valor, I am at a loss for words. Why would anyone lie about military service. And if you do lie about it don't pick a fight with a SEAL.
GhostFox 34
Punish your son, and press charges against said muscle head. Seriously, press charges. Someone that rage-prone does not need to walk unpunished. Even putting aside that he did it under the assumption you were employed by the USA Military.
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Comments (94)
cacheson 42
Did you win??
Silentshdw13 22
Pretty sure anyone that's won a fight won't be saying that the other person was beating on them.
cacheson 42
Unless they were so surprised that the guy got in some beating before he came to his senses and kicked the guy's ass. In which case, it still sucks.
Ri_Fox9 9
pretty sure he lost
cacheson 42
But... I'm giving him the opportunity to say he won!
Silentshdw13 22
We men BOAST of our winnings, not show any weakness!
citrusglass 22
#36, are you seriously going to go into gender stereotypes? True men aren't afraid of showing their emotions.
XxPojoxX 17
You son, sir, is a mastermind
CheekyRaccoon 27
No he's just a dick.
psyjoniz 12
a mastermind would have gotten away with it by hiring 10 guys to win the fight. no. his kid is a prick and deserves to be beaten.
The666Ghost 17
I would totally give this kid a job to do this for my amusement.
Dale_shackleford 13
What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the **** out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my ******* words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, ******. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re ******* dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your ******* tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re ******* dead, kiddo.
Dale_shackleford 13
His comment probably went something like that.
Jatok 17
This comment made my day
Avi8r 22
Lmao, this was the first thing that came to mind
MikaykayUnicorn 36
What the **** did you just ******* say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know my name is John, and I woke up this morning 5:30 sharp to the smell of wet pussy. I was getting a ******* from two bitches (Shit was SO Cash), one was trying to fit my humongous 3 pound balls in her mouth while the other was choking halfway on my 18 and 38 inch dick. She started to squirt hard, she was convulsing and having 6 orgasms at the same time. I gave it to them and they were on the floor squirting like motherfucking fountains. Must have come about a quart of sperm and compressed air. Imagine your best ******, then multiply it by 35. I had to go to base camp so I front-flipped from my 14th floor barracks into my valet parked 2012 Ferrari (I got connexions). Pushed my shit to about 4 hundo (mph, mind you) and I was at base camp in no time. When I entered, I became a top sniper and was granted access to the entire arsenal of the USMC. I learned how to kill someone in over 700 different ways and was assigned to be the leader of a squad that will kill 300 terrorists using gorilla warfare tactics. Also did 6000 push-ups, 8000 sit-ups and bench-pressed 30 plates in 16 minutes. After basic training, I met a network of secret spies who will help me trace your IP address, while eating gold plated sushi and 15,000 $ champagne. My unit got the rest of the day off and I became captain of our base’s football team and starter of the basketball team. I got straight A’s on the military entrance exams and received more awards. Meanwhile, you were jacking off to pictures on Facebook and naked drawn Japanese people. Went back in the Lambo to my barracks and now I am getting ready to go to sleep. I am going to graduate at the top of my class in the Navy Seals tomorrow and I want to look pretty much perfect for it. Don’t be a stranger and remember, I did more in one day than you will your entire life.
CFB_FRS 27
Dude, you just made my day!
alainopotato 20
The best part about this is that you said gorilla instead of guerrilla, thanks for the laugh, made my day
vicfirthfan 11
classic. I remember when this comment used to be all over YouTube
TheNewGuy03 29
This makes me happy, because I was completely expecting this comment, and I wasn't let down. Thanks. :]
squarerootof2 6
guerrilla*
hfslkp47012759 28
u wot m8? wot the fok did ye just say 2 me m8? i dropped out of newcastle primary skool im the sickest bloke ull ever meet & ive nicked 300 candy bars from tha corner store. im trained in street fitin’ & im the strongest foker in tha entire newcastle gym. yer nothin to me but a cheeky lil ******** w/ a hot mum & fake bling. ill waste u and smash a fokin bottle oer yer head bruv, i swer 2 christ. ya think u can fokin run ya gabber at me whilst sittin on yer arse behind a lil screen? think again wanka. im callin me homeboys rite now preparin for a proper rumble. tha rumble thatll make ur nan sore jus hearin about it. yer a waste bruv. my homeboys be all over tha place & ill beat ya to a proper fokin pulp with me fists wanka. if i aint satisfied w/ that ill borrow me m8s cricket paddle & see if that gets u the fok out o’ newcastle ya daft kunt. if ye had seen this bloody fokin mess commin ye might a’ kept ya gabber from runnin. but it seems yer a stewpid lil twat, innit? ima shite fury & ull drown in it m8. ur in proper mess ya knobhead.
ZachZach99999 8
That made my head hurt just reading that....
riyaap13 17
I took this seriously when I started reading it lol great laugh! :)
Steve97 32
You must've waited so patiently to have that comment ready for an fml lmfao well done XD
feven 32
Wow I had no idea this is was a viral comment! I remember receiving a text message saying these exact things, I just assumed my friend was crazy.
HeroSpence 7
that's what I was thinking
annie_zoo 27
ummm you okay there sir?
rrai2008 15
"Gorilla warfare"
ACCOUNTKILLER 18
thank you for posting this
CaptainCrow 13
Your son is a genius. A devil, but a genius
danman27 15
That's not genius. It's not something he came up with. It's basically swatting
mm12344 8
Telling a stranger your address is not genius.
igg125 30
Stolen valor, I am at a loss for words. Why would anyone lie about military service. And if you do lie about it don't pick a fight with a SEAL.
Adeptus_Astartes 22
They like to pretend that they're something they're not.
igg125 30
It really bothers me that stolen valor was a crime. Now it's free speech. You can get in some serious trouble for impersonating a police officer. But tell the world you're a decorated war vet nobody cares.
h00tzForOsi 20
Especially don't pretend to be your dad and give out your address. Ops son is a shit.
sugarhighwhoo 3
Yeah, stolen valor is the problem, not that somehow you don't see that this seal that went to go beat up some random guy like a thug is in the wrong? Perhaps he's not the real seal because that's the most unprofessional childlike shit I've ever heard of.
bad_boyfriend 10
You should google stolen valor. This ain't it. If you don't obtain some kind of benefit by lying, it isn't considered stolen valor.
xenomsftw 19
I believe the thing that was posted was a copy pasta, Google "navy seal copy pasta" and you'll see it, it's just a meme that gets posted in random places.
igg125 30
75, lying about military service, award, or bring in the a SEAL is stolen valor. I don't need to google what it means. Just ask someone who has served this country they will tell you what stolen valor is.
Shade1982 21
@79: It isn't anymore, they changed the law because the first one signed by Bush was declared unconstitutional. The 2013 version of the act says it is only illegal if the intent is to abuse it to receive benefits.
UH60 26
@79 I guess you should Google it then because Stolen Valor only covered medals and decorations. I mean it's annoying that some people may brag about serving when they never have, but wearing them and benefiting is another.
youdontsay123456 21
And this is when your natural karate instincts of watching karate movies involving Jackie Chan kicks in.
dkane 12
Im sad to hear that anyone would do this. The fact that it's in my state saddens me even more. Fyl. Punish your son well.
LyricaSilvan 30
Your son sounds like a little bit of a douchebag.
1HateMyUsername 19
A little bit?
Glynnis62 13
little bit if a lot
GhostFox 34
Punish your son, and press charges against said muscle head. Seriously, press charges. Someone that rage-prone does not need to walk unpunished. Even putting aside that he did it under the assumption you were employed by the USA Military.
igg125 30
Why press charges? Sometimes violence is necessary. As a Marine, it brings a grin to my face knowing that a poser got what he deserved.
Serena_Marie 9
I feel like you didn't fully read the FML though.
igg125 30
I know, I realized after I made this comment. I'm wrong.
Xamry14 10
That kind of thinking is probably why your a Marine. Done get me wrong, my family is a military family and we think stolen valor is shit but it's not worth getting into a fight over. Those people have pathetic lives, are miserable and so not worth the time, effort, and consequences of beating the shit out of them. If my husband got arrested and I had to tell the kids daddy went to jail and might lose his job over one of those people, I would be extremely disappointed.
WreckeRalph36 18
I agree with 28. But however Stolen Valor is a felony. Which is fine for adults but depending on the child age should be applied. In this case it should be.
igg125 30
68 did you read comment 32. What exactly are you trying to say?
GhostFox 34
I think 66 is trying to say that while people doing what OP's son did is seriously bad behavior, associates of (or worse, actual military servicemen) taking the matter of justice/retribution into their own hands is bad. Not only is is assault and/or battery, but it's a crime committed by a member of a sector that is supposed represent the best America has to offer. Those in the service get enough flak for following orders, and some of them dispensing vigilante justice over matters like this leaves a sour patch taste in the mouth of the civilian population, as well as making them more likely to be afraid of those in the service. Which is detrimental to both sides- civilians need to be able to trust that the military can both do what needs done and still keep their morals, while those in the service deserve the respect of the civilian sector, not their fear. Nor should a good member of the military want the average civilian to be afraid of them, I would think.
sheilandthegirls 20
Oh come on everyone, he is a kid!! All kids do dumb things and think they won't get caught... remember??? Let's cool down a little. If the dad posted his own picture claiming to be a SEAL, I'd totally be as upset as some of you. But the kid should be punished by his parents and the guy who beat the dad should be punished in some way too. OPs son's stupidity does not give the guy the ok to show up on his door step to beat the shit out of him. The guy could have killed him or seriously and permanently injured him.
DoomedGemini 38
Yes both are in the wrong. Op should press charges against the guy and punish his son. It IS his fault as well, if he hadn't done anything it wouldn't had happened.