Today, I was woken up by my 5 year-old daughter hitting me with a pillow because she had a dream that I was using her toothbrush on the dog. We don't have a dog. She is now refusing to brush her teeth. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while I was brushing my teeth, my 5 year old-son walked into the bathroom. He gave me a mean look and said, "That's Sammy's toothbrush, not yours." I've been brushing my teeth with the dog's toothbrush for two months now. FML
Today, my 5 year old daughter thought it would be funny to wake me up by tickling my toes. I guess one of my reflexes acted out because I kicked her right in the face. FML
Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me if the tooth fairy was real. I said yes, and she said she wanted to try to catch her. Later, she pulled out a tooth and put it under her pillow. I came in to take out the tooth and replace it with money. There were mouse traps behind her pillow. FML
Today, my daughter decided to wake me up by putting the vacuum in my hair and turning it on. FML
Today, I woke up to my 7 year old son angrily trying to smother me with a pillow. FML
Today, my girlfriend woke me up at 5am to tell me she was mad at me. Apparently I did something bad in her dream. She still won't talk to me. FML
Today, I woke up my girlfriend up with a cute kiss. She was apparently having a bad dream and headbutted me. FML
Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML
Today, I caught my young daughter eating candy after brushing her teeth. Angry, I asked her if she wanted all her teeth to fall out. She smiled and said, “Yes!” FML
Today, I woke up to my 2-year-old daughter hitting me in the face. She had just pooped her nappy and put her hands down her pants to "feel it squish around." FML
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Top comments
elainelovesyou 7
Just give her a new one.
DocBastard 40
Pick your battles. She will forget about it soon. But the more you push, the more she will push back and the longer she will remember.
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Comments (102)
Inspired22 11
So...get her another toothbrush?
elainelovesyou 7
Just give her a new one.
Dallyni 22
it's a 5 year old, of course the Childs unreasonable. That's the point of getting a new tooth brush, or fibbing and saying that it's a new tooth brush.
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
Then who was dog?
DocBastard 40
"Dog" is who all the dyslexic agnostic insomniacs stay up at night thinking about.
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
@Boners - Yeah, I wouldn't want to use anything touched by Dog the Bounty Hunter... except my dignity. He can touch that ANYTIME he wants. /secret birthday wish
unfortunate_13 5
if you give her a new tooth brush, you confirm her dream being real, so that's the last thing you should do.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Gdo manD ouy, coDtardsaB! to'nD eamk nuf fo su!!!
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
on't Day ou yay ean may #42 i nay his tay ase cay? ou Yay ave hay otta gay ick stay o tay e thay an play.
stewpididiot 11
if I had been listening to #24 instead of reading, I would swear he was having a stroke...
BWill9014 4
28 you used tay twice :l
Moota 9
.....What?
birdfreak 24
I love you too
sexxy147 0
wow. she didnt actually use the tooth brush to brush a dog's mouth. lol
veerla 0
no but the daughter thinks so. if you give her a new one, problem is solved.. Its not like a tooth brush is that expensive xD. she also believes sainta excists, doesnt she? its the parent who makes her believe it!!
elainelovesyou 7
102 - Exactly.. What are guys fretting about? Aren't toothbrushes like a buck or so?
hahaitsmattheau 0
******
tulsafml 0
Did you punch her?
ILoveGiraffes 0
;-;
barniclest 0
dude ar u serious?
tulsafml 0
Why yes. Yes I am serious.
L3Paparazzo 7
show her pictures of nasty sets of yellow teeths. :b
crazyivan118 0
good joke ;D
SassiestLemon 2
Ha! It's you! I remember you from another FML. I also remember that some lady trolled all over you. o.o
epmorr2010 9
that's some dream she had
imagineThisIsCle 0
Today, I found out my dad used my tooth brush on the dog. and we don't even have a dog. FML
rhpsfan9 10
lol kids
cloudy01 0
It's a doggy dog world
DocBastard 40
No it isn't. It's a dog-eat-dog world. Get it? Because if you're a dog, another dog may eat you, so you have to do it first. It means the world is rough. What the **** is doggy dog? Other than a perpetually stoned rapper.
cloudy01 0
...
mk58 31
lol, DocBastard... Honestly though, what DID he mean by "doggy dog world"?
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
I'm not going to lie, I read the "Doggy Dog World" comment as Hank Hill. (insert obligatory "doing a girl doggy-style while she eats a fully-cooked ham on the hood of your dad's 1992 El-Camino" comment here)
aback 5
He means he's not a reader.
lolfood 24
This could be a Modern Family reference
AceArctic 4
Get her a dog. Get that dog a toothbrush. Let her use the dog's toothbrush. Then they should be even. :3
Brave_Sir_Robin 4
Here's an even better idea - get a dog-shaped toothbrush, use it on the cat (if they don't have a cat, use your grandmother), and bet $50.22 on the Cleveland Browns winning the Super Bowl next season. This iced-tea tastes great, folks.
Tcaret300 12
OR get a new toothbrush that looks like her Grammy, tell her that the car's rims used it, and tell her she better use it because she's not getting a new one...
gagaman_fml 0
I LMAO'd at your post!!! and you brought in the suggestion of iced tea out of the no where... that just made me leak on my pants! LMAO!!!!
DocBastard 40
Pick your battles. She will forget about it soon. But the more you push, the more she will push back and the longer she will remember.
SassiestLemon 2
Seems like this shouldn't be hard to understand. Oh well, Im gonna see a Doc to get diagnosed for reeturdashun then. Farewell!
cedarcliffe 0
obviously you don't discipline your kid nearly as well as you should. if a child of MINE hit me with a pillow in the middle of the night, id smack her so hard she wouldn't walk straight for a week. and now you're letting her get away with misbehavior? YDI, OP. take control of your spawn.
Bofferding_fml 6
because hitting a 5 year old makes you such a badass father! to small-balled to take one of your size? so you gotta wait for the smallest fart to hit your children?
cathylee22 4
well said 27, thank you for being one of the good ones. I'm a social worker and to read these comments about hitting your child so hard they wouldn't walk straight for a week is really disturbing. You can discipline without violence.
Leo518 0
oh yeah and ur way of discipline is working? smacking the shit out of ur 5 yr old for havig a bad dream? way to go mom. wonder how that child is gonna end up....
sccrismyantidrg 4
I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and hoping you are not serious. Although I don't agree with that sort of discipline, I don't think parents should be so afraid of spanking their children when necessary.
DocBastard 40
Cedarcliffe - if you would hit a 5-year old, I hope someone proportionately larger than you hits you just as hard. Kids that young don't understand right from wrong yet, and all she did is hit her mother with a pillow and refuse to brush her teeth. She didn't hurt anyone, she didn't break the law. Get a ******* clue, moron.
danbogator 0
Actually I believe hitting someone with a pillow would be considered battery in most states...
RedPillSucks 33
Although I don't agree with beating some child half to death, I do think that 5 year olds most definitely know right from wrong. I've seen it in my own kids, and I remember back that far. Being hit with a pillow doesn't rise to the level needed to discipline a child though. I think a stern explanation would be sufficient.
MyChemical_fml 0
14 - Your comment made me sad.. :( I hope you die.
DocBastard 40
American1991 - I never said you shouldn't discipline children. I discipline my own without hitting her, although when she's older, spankings are fair game. I don't think it's right in a 5-year old, especially for this.
KiddNYC1O 22
#14- I certainly hope that was hypothetical and that you're a barren woman.
sweet_blue 3
haha mychemical I was sad but your comment made me laugh. thanks
Sirin_fml 47
I wish people wouldn't give the trolls an all-you-can-eat buffet.
OCDC 9
Someone has to feed them. Oh wait...
Zmeilerr 22
Don't worry, I put enough meth in his food to knock him out for a few days.
Zmeilerr 22
Don't worry, I put enough meth in his food to knock him out for a few days.
Zmeilerr 22
Don't worry, I put enough meth in his food to knock him out for a few days.
Zmeilerr 22
Don't worry, I put enough meth in his food to knock him out for a few days.