Today, I decided to be nice and pay a social visit to my slightly deranged grandpa. I ended up politely sitting through two hours of him lecturing me on how he "invented the modern tap", then on how sex is an Illuminati invention to "give sluts the STDs they need to kill us all". FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went to visit my senile grandma, since she's ill and nobody else in the family visits her. I ended up having to sit through a long rant about the Illuminati, black people, and how we'd have a cure for the common cold already if it weren't for "those god damned foreigners". FML
Today, in a hardware store, I had to physically restrain my senile grandpa from trying to take a crap in one of the display toilets. FML
Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML
Today, I went to visit my grandparents, as my grandmother may not have long left. When my stepfather wasn't grilling my visibly uncomfortable grandad about Bible passages, my mother was trauma-dumping about how hard her life has been, and how awful her marriage to my father was. They're his parents. FML
Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML
Today, while I was doing my hair, my grandpa walked in, dropped his pants, and started taking a crap in the toilet right next to me. FML
Today, I listened to my grandma monologue about how if my uncle was born first, my mother (and consequently, I) would not exist. I then got to listen to her rant about what a terror he was. Let's just say I learned and heard some things I'd rather have not known. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, my grandma and I went shopping. When I picked up some shower gel, she started ranting in front of everyone that shower gel injures one's "lady parts" and causes infertility, and that she wants me to give her great-grandchildren. FML
Today, I was on the phone with my senile grandma, when I told her I had to go because I had an appointment at the clinic. For some reason, she assumed I was talking about an abortion clinic, and started raging at me and calling me a murderer. FML
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Top comments
AnthonyWheeler15 24
So ***** are just all part of a cult? It all makes sense now
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I would have played along!
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Comments (48)
Hiimhaileypotter 53
I would have played along!
cantthinkofshit 5
Can I have your grandpa? ( as in can he be my grandpa) he sounds bad ass. I decided when I was like 11 that when I'm 65 I'm taking a shit load ( exact amount ) of LSD and staying perma-fried for the remainder of my life. Looking forward to that day.
awagh666 14
A shit ton will work better than a shit load.
cookie_3008 4
Sorry.. Did you say "slightly"?? /=/
IphonFML 6
Thats when you tell him you invented the "modern fap"
mexican613 3
He's right you know
momolee 4
Slightly deranged or extremely smart?
sereyna 1
This sounds like an awesome conversation! I wish I had a grandpa like that. Your grandpa rocks!
silbot 11
Play along? I don't know... It seems pretty legit to me.
lorenzoman77 7
Well. I mean it's the illuminati, who wouldn't believe they're responsible for that? (complete sarcasm)
reallytho3 11
People blame everything wrong in the world on the illuminati. World hunger, recession, the kardashians, etc.
Zoh_Aubrey 8
Anyone who believes that the illuminati is obsessed with shitty celebrities is a ******* idiot.
ryry013 6
Instant speaker... never thought of that. I should try that
TurtleDinosaur 2
Learn something new everyday (:
mrz1177 11
What fun...
slurshies 11
you've got a pretty awesome gramps if you ask me
kishuu_fml 1
Better watch out :O
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Better not cry. TT-TT
AnthonyWheeler15 24
So ***** are just all part of a cult? It all makes sense now
P374RD3D 9
You didn't understand the post, did you?
stanpwns 9
And you clearly didn't understand the sarcasm.
mikeofthunder 13
I don't understand anything :)
mtrrace 4
Sounds like an interesting man
MURIKKA 11
"Slightly deranged"? I'd hate to see all out deranged...
P374RD3D 9
this reminds me of the Law & Order where the doctor tells all his patients that AIDS is made up
marinus_fml 20
He invented the bullshit tap... The sort that keep dripping bullshit all day.