Today, it's the first day of my two-week stay at my in-laws' house. They forbid drinking, smoking, cursing, and anything even remotely sexual. I smuggled in my quietest toy to keep me sane in this holy house. If only I hadn't forgotten to bring the battery pack too. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I decided to spend a few days at my grandma's house, to help her clean the place up a bit. So far, she's given me a "no masturbating under my roof" talk, used multiple racist slurs, and yelled "QUIET DOWN!" when I so much as sneezed in the next room. FML
Today, my strictly religious parents found my vibrator. I’m a man and when they found out I masturbate with a penis shaped vibe up my ass they went Catholic nuclear on me. I'm trying to ignore them but they have sent up camp in my living room and refuse to go home. FML
Today, I got home from my vacation. The last few days of my trip, I stayed at my father's house. I was having trouble sleeping last night so I decided to use a little "discreet" vibrator that I travel with. When I unpacked back home, I realized I'd forgotten the vibrator in my bed at my father's house. I'm mortified. FML
Today, my fiancé and I are house-sitting for my future in-laws for the next 3 weeks. They left a bible in both bedrooms, along with printouts of an article denouncing the "sin" of premarital sex. They're such complete whack-jobs, I wouldn't be surprised if they've set up hidden cameras everywhere too. FML
Today, I had to sit outside with nothing but a large bottle of wine to keep me company and no way to block out the sounds of my cousins loudly having sex with my two roommates upstairs. FML
Today, I have to pack for tomorrow's family vacation. For one week I get to be stuck in a one bedroom cabin with my alcoholic father, bipolar mother, and two much younger siblings who have a passion for screaming. FML
Today, it's the first day that my overbearing and too-controlling parents are gone on a 2-week-long vacation, trusting me enough to take care of the house while they're gone. So far, I've broken a plate (it was in the microwave less than a minute before it exploded) and the power's gone out. Bad omens? FML
Today, after coming home from a long day at work, I found out that in a house full of five adults, some rules still need to be set. The newest addition to the rules? No watching porn and jerking off in the living room. FML
Today, my parents left on vacation for the week. Taking advantage of my freedom, I was planning on having my boyfriend over. My grandparents just showed up as they "thought I would be lonely." I can't get rid of them. Looks like I'm not having any fun this week. FML
Today, my parents searched my room because yesterday they found one of my friends vapes in my bag, which they made me return. Sadly, they found a box vape with 2 e-juices and gave me a talking to. So now, I'm never allowed out of the house until I'm 18 (I'm 14 right now) and I'm never allowed friends over. Also, they're really mean. FML
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Top comments
TopBanana20 11
It's two weeks -_-. Get a grip. I think you can survive two weeks without any of that stuff.
AninOnin 24
Go buy some?
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Comments (229)
Meesersuperman1 4
Smoking is bad for you.
Xalandra 17
Tell your in-laws to grow up! I understand banning smoking and drinking, that's reasonable. But banning anything sexual? Gee I guess they don't want any grandchildren. Seeing as how you are married, and not just dating, their son, they have no right to tell you to not have sex with him. Unless you're sleeping in the same room as them, why should they care? If they're sound asleep and you guys keep quiet, what does it matter? I mean really! You're married now. As long as you're not spending every waking moment in bed banging your husband, what's the problem? It's just ridiculous for them to set those kind of rules for a MARRIED couple. The smoking/drinking/cursing is understandable. The sexual restrictions with your husband ( or even yourself) is just outrageous.
captain__jj 5
It's the in-law's house. It might not matter to you, but other people have different beliefs and personally I wouldn't want to hear, or even know, that my hypothetical kid was having sex with me in the house. While I don't necessarily agree with anything else OP's in-laws restrict, it's still their house and she and her husband should respect their wishes.
Xalandra 17
Yeah, but if the in laws are sleeping, in another room, and OP and her husband are quiet, how the hell would the in-laws know? From the way OP worded it, it seems like the instant OP stepped into the house there were "ground rules" set down. Saying to OP, "we know you like to drink and/or smoke, but we ask that you not do that in our house." is one thing. Saying "You can't have intimate relations with your husband while you're here."... That's crossing a line. It's not like they're dating, they're married. Married! It's rude and inappropriate to even talk about that to a married couple. Unless there was pervious history of OP and her husband being obnoxiously loud, why even mention that? It's inappropriate! Seriously? "No one can have sex in this household except us, even if you're married and we really have no legal or moral say!".... yeah, how about OPs in-laws just stay out of their kids sex lives. Because honestly, once you're married, no one really has a say what happens in your marital bed. That only belongs to the two consenting individuals married to each other, everyone else can butt out.
sobeowns 2
damn churhies... I spit on them!
BunnySlippers 6
Calm down, you'll survive. It's just 2 weeks...
shark_girl 9
Give OP a break. Masturbation is stress relieving, so she's less likely to break a rule to their face. It won't hurt them.
kaengelangeleyes 9
Invite the hubby out of the house for a nice sexathon. Thats what I would do. :)
PetPetAngel 2
You do, you know, have hands or a husband you could use instead...
iwadasn 33
If you can't last two weeks without any of those, you have some issues.
johnny_derp 3
you wouldn't be saying that if OP were a man complaining about going 2 weeks without fapping or sex.
ReverentPain926 1
I just some how cannot make myself feel bad for you.... Oh no! 14 days without drinking, smoking or having sex D; boohoo
lowshadows 21
OP your username says it all ha ha ha!