Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML
Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML
Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML
Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML
Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML
Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML
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Top comments
holeyman 8
I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.
Welshite 40
Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.
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Comments (137)
Luisaaaaaah_ 3
Some Dirty parents you got there.
pokefan813 16
At least they tried covering it up...
Kyle225 3
Your words amuse me.
iDaniel525 8
Kind of reminds me of the book, "How to Read Literature Like a Professor." When talking about sex, it isn't really about sex. When not talking about sex, it really is about sex.
RK626 7
Sometimes being a geek sucks
Spectre529 12
do they have degrees in their field? xD
Maybelline008 10
They're professors. I doubt they used Microsoft Word to fabricate their degrees.
Psych101 9
41- Yeah, that would be ridiculous. I use Microsoft Paint.
benhd1 14
Nope, they're only professors.
mikeymayhem_87 15
Maybe your mom is a fan of the ol' Tom Sawyer? Or perhaps a fan of the Shakespeare?
perdix 31
There's no author named Dirty Sanchez. If his name comes up, stop kissing your parents on the face! My mind boggles at what Kurt Vonnegut could refer to.
sens3sfailing 25
I thought I had a perverted mind until all these references escaped their sexual meaning at first. Now I feel...normal...
sasha_is_my_name 5
Wtf....
RedPillSucks 33
Is it possible that you got it wrong? Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
FarSide 23
Not after Bill Clinton gets his hands on it.
br0ccoli 15
Hm and here I thought "I love sausage" would suffice to confuse people of my intentions. Substitution ciphon? I'm totally using that now. "I'm going to enjoy eating some fava beans and a nice chianti while 'reading' 50 Shades of Grey." Aka tonight is going to be a night of eating delicious human flesh and mixed with tons of bondage. *wink wink*
FarSide 23
I don't think we need it translated.