Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML
Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML
Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML
Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML
Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML
Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML
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Top comments
holeyman 8
I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.
Welshite 40
Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.
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Comments (137)
blahblahblah5_x 13
Hahahaha.
baconftw 9
I you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.
airforce987 20
Fail first comment
lenamartinovic 13
Wow. Let them know, maybe?
blcksocks 19
"mom, dad, if you are talking about anal fisting, please stop" ???
scrappy23 4
Or "Mom and dad i have successfully spent hours decoding your secret sex language so please change it and I'll try to decode it again"
JoeRogansBEARD 15
I think he decoded it wrong , it could have just bin ass *******, then again anal fisting wouldn't surprise me some ppl are real freaks
capper44 18
Or why would oP had to decode it lol now to feel awkward... Way to go oP :p have fun now haha & btw nothing happens accidentally like this lol
geko911 22
40 - 44 - I'm not a grammar nazi or anything; I don't have all the grammar knowledge some people have but if I need to read your comment twice to end up with the same conclusion twice : that it makes no sense, then don't pollute the Internet with such comments please..
Meettitan 14
66- Don't pollute the internet with your judgmental thoughts. That is all.
FarSide 23
Don't pollute the Internet by judging other people's judgmental thoughts.
JoeRogansBEARD 15
I'm sorry 66 I thought it was clear what I was trying to say but I'll try to make it clearer... I think he decoded it wrong, instead of anal fisting; Ann frank could have meant ass *******. Plz exuse my misuse of commas and what not I'm not very good at grammar
andrew6p 19
84, 66 was talking to 44
JoeRogansBEARD 15
Does anyone know how to fix my profile do its not on private?
capper44 18
#66 : sorry to break it to you... But not everyone is born with english as a first language and guess watt!! I wasn't as well lol sorry for mistakes but didnt had enough recourse to get to a nice english school like all of you others... So yea pls bear it with me :p
ohSNAPyall 27
Most people aren't born with a language at all
holeyman 8
I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.
capper44 18
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
So you mean no parents should have sex or talk about it... Coz u were born and thats it full stop . Common grow up dude, they have a life too & if u cant hear it then try stopping ur own tongue when talking shit with frnds about other girls.... I bet if u do, ur frnds will just call u gay lol So get over it :p
FMTurtle 4
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Why'd you get so many down comments? Parents do have a life and want a little fun sometimes! I mean, YOLO. Haters gunna hate.
Smokingweenies 3
What the **** are 45 and 49 talking about??
Psych101 9
45/49- Where did he say that he thinks parents shouldn't have sex? He simply said they shouldn't talk about it in front of their children. And 45, it seriously took me like 10 minutes to figure out what your comment was saying. "Coz" isn't even correct SLANG. Were you using a cipher, perhaps?
ImaginaryFoe 1
I don't want to hear my parents talk about sex. I don't want to hear my friends talk about it. I sure as hell don't talk about sex in front of my kids. Do people have nothing that's private anymore? To clarify, I talk about sex-related things with others but I definitely don't go around telling others what I'm about to do to my husband. Some stuff is just between us.
yabbadabbadooyah 12
45- It was never mentioned that parents should not have sex. Everyone should have the right to have sex, but they must be courteous to others around them. That means not talking about sex in front of others, or having sex when people can hear you. I think my dad and stepmom should take a hint from this.
FarSide 23
45's dad should have pulled out.
tomiller64 0
45/49 just shoot yourselves
fabulosogurlee 7
3. I know exactly what you mean. My dad is a gynecologist and he has no boundaries
capper44 18
#57 #58 #79 Sorry to break it to you guys... But not everyone is born with english as a first language and guess watt!! I wasn't as well lol sorry for mistakes coz didn't had enough recourse to get to a nice english school like all of you others... So yea hope u all assumpnist grammar terrorist killers would not mind to bear it with me :p #87 : about my dad pulling or not pulling out, it is already done.... But i hope ur kids either have atleast an open minded environment or u better pull out :) Where as #97: i wish i could shoot myself for being considerate of others too... Coz my parents had sex, that is why my presence is there, as well as its something natural and talking about it shouldn't be a big problem :) But just to clear i wasn't tryna say in my first comment that ass fisting or whatever is fine to talk about.... Coz talking about sex is fine but shouldn't go in detail ;) haha
sens3sfailing 25
You are way too defensive. People can't help that your comments are extremely hard to understand. You made bad points that a lot of people disagreed with as well, get over it and grow up. You are 24 and the constant winky faces and "haha"s or "lol"s make you seem like a 16 year old girl. That's not even an attempt at English. It's pure text talk. I'm not judging you, just telling you what everyone is thinking and we have a right to say it.
sillygurl6418 6
49, how does YOLO even apply to this situation?
Kiki242 19
why are they talking about anal fisting? I didn't know that was physically possible.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Watch ****.
madgrinchhatter 12
Google. Use it.
eatdemcupcakes 4
50 Shades of Ga--I mean Gray..
shoopd 19
Goatse...one of the many things on the Internet that I wish I didn't know were physically possible.
crakzila 4
I love your blunt attitude! :)
outstandtacular 11
55 - everyone on FML is blunt, if you haven't noticed.
FarSide 23
@18 - And while you are "in there", get the shit out of there.
rivaraven 35
It is possible... trust me... *coughs* Never mind.
Welshite 40
Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.
reallytho3 11
they'll be horrified, it's the perfect prank lol
slick5880 22
Mom and dad, I just want to thank you both for introducing me to Anne Frank! I showed it to a bunch of my friends and they love it too. Oh and by the way... We are out of lube and Crisco.
FMLKitten 15
"Mom, Dad, Anne Frank is the coolest! It's so fun to learn about, and I watched this long video that featured Anne Frank yesterday. It kinda hurts though."
candyfairie 3
How do you 'accidentally' decipher a code? You obviously must of thought it out and connected it with sexual phrase. Just curious.
vocaloidtiger 12
Have*.
gmc_blossom 21
64- Now, was that really necessary?
GothicAngel17 24
*contains rage*
IceCreamMage 17
I'm inclined to believe that it was accidentally stumbled upon for the simple reason that no one wants to hear their parents talking about sex or understand it if they're talking in code.
benhd1 14
You'd be surprised for some people thing just seem to reveal themselves, you don't even try it just happens Myself included
AbstraktThoughts 13
I'm not sure if I'm the only one who noticed this, but both Anne Frank and anal fisting have the same initials? Haha maybe that's how OP deciphered his parent's code?
Wishez 12
93- that's the whole ******* point. Who wouldn't notice that Anne frank and anal fisting have the same starting letters?
eccentricchic 5
Either 93 is extremely sarcastic and comical or he's captain obvious ... Wait would that make me co-captain???
FirebirdF350 7
6, I know this is revolutionary, but some people are naturally inclined to connect things in certain ways, it's called deduction, sometimes these tiny little things you hear every day click and you have the amazing realization of the underlying workings of the world around you. It's also known as being observant.
vocaloidtiger 12
70 - Yes, Yes it was.
AbstraktThoughts 13
My apologies! Next time i shall *sarcasm it. Have mercy on me fellow fmlers!
msilikegrapes 8
dirty minded people dont have to think things out and make connections to sexual acts our sub conscience does it for us. "HAHA he said " im coming" geddit"
m1grande 3
Youre parents are awesome!! And i agree with 6. An accident? Highly unlikely
kakarot2 11
Your*
m1grande 3
Can you shut the **** up please. Dont ******* correct me. Lol jk i made a typo
SmittyKick 18
start randomly talking abut Moby dick around them and see what happens
HouseElf 13
Don't be a Charlotte Bronte, OP. Parents just wanna have fun.
annie_nk 23
Best to stop thinking about it lol
crushedone 7
Don't worry, they're just talking about "another female".