Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML
Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML
Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML
Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML
Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML
Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML
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Top comments
holeyman 8
I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.
Welshite 40
Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.
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Comments (137)
Tiwuz 19
Hm, or maybe they were talking about anal fisting Anne Frank. Ignorance is bliss.
FarSide 23
It's reasonable to presume they were referring to fisting Mr. Dussel, as he was frequently an ass.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
George Washington = Plain old sex Ben Franklin =sex with a bit of a spark Napoleon Boneapart = BDSM Adolf Hitler = Disgusting fetishes JFK = Good fetishes Anne Frank = Fisting Obama = Interracial George W. Bush = Abstinance Bill Clinton = Wild rough sex
redreynard 14
Being lit professors, they probably would reference authors more than politicians.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Oh, my bad. I didn't see "literary". Time to replace the names.
BradenLock 4
Hillary Clinton- ***********.
cat0720 9
#47 you. masturbation because it's all you do.
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
54 I've read your comment 3 times and I still have no idea what you're saying.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
67) Don't worry. Thats just Hilary Clinton on FML trying to defend herself and failing.
FarSide 23
17 - I agree, inasmuch as ALL politicians are ASSHOLES.
jose562 5
They're fisting to the thought of Anne frank
DogsPaw 16
A girl hiding for her life... Yah I can see people getting turned on by that.
purpledrizzle 5
Wow, your parents are incredibly smart. Mine don't leave much to decipher, "get in there so I can pound that pussy" pretty much explains itself.
rattusrattus 19
The poor cat! :P
geko911 22
Ohh you have that vulgar kind.. Mine are almost polite about it: - Honey, how would you like sexual intercourse in 5 minutes, I'm quite cold and it would definitely heat me up to get the blood flowing down there.. If you know what I mean. - Ohh yes darling let's just go and change, I'm getting all wet down there for some reason.. If you know what I mean. And a friend of mine showed me a few things I'll definitely have to try, you can tell me what you think about it, what do you say? I still, to this day, wonder what's worse...
alexlovescandy 3
Ok. Officially disturbed.
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
I think I might know what "Moby Dick" means! Or Charles Dickens, if you know what I mean...
RedPillSucks 33
Well, I thought it was funny.
benhd1 14
E. E. Cummings?
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
Emily Dickinson? I have a feeling OP's dad just may E.B. White everywhere. Disregard that.
vocaloidtiger 12
23 - Every damn time I see a comment of yours, it's a really good one, but for some reason they're all thumbed down. I think the dislike trolls are out to get 'ya.
kimg0885 23
How did you find out op? Did their conversation go like this?: Dad: " hey honey I cant wait to stick my Moby Dick in your Ann Frank later." Mom:" No how about we play Catcher in the Rye?" * agh 23 we both thought of Moby Dick, hmm?
BntyHntrSeattle 30
Poor Anne Frank...
jonwassing 3
They might just be talking about literature. Your imagination might be going a little haywire.
Enslaved 38
Haha I've done that too but being a bartender, I talk about lick'er.