Today, I accidentally decoded the system my parents use for talking about sex while I'm around. It's a substitution cipher, using literary references. As they're both literature professors, this has me perpetually grossed-out and wondering, "Are they really talking about Anne Frank, or anal fisting?" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out my family doesn't actually use the secret codeword we've had since childhood for when we’re in trouble. They've just been saying it around me for years because they thought it was funny. FML
Today, my daughter and her "friend" kept using crude euphemisms right in front of me, thinking I was too old or too stupid to figure out what they meant. I nearly had an aneurysm when she told him he could put his "pencil" in her "sharpener" next time they studied together. FML
Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML
Today, my mom found a book of dirty stories I'd written in tenth grade. She then told me that I wrote about things she'd never even thought about, and she's been having sex for years. If that wasn't bad enough, she's taken them in to work to show people. FML
Today, I had to slowly explain to my son that an "analogy" is a literary device, not a genre of porn. FML
Today, I told my husband that we should write down all our passwords so we don't forget them. Later, after he'd left, I pulled out his password sheet to do a little snooping, only to learn that he'd written them in some sort of bizarre cipher. What's he hiding? FML
Today, my parents think that I don't understand all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table, "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML
Today, I had a nice, open chat with my mother. I accidentally let slip that I'm a nymphomaniac. She accidentally let slip that my dad is bad in bed. I don't think either of us will be chatting so openly for awhile. FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend while in the car with my family. He sent a particularly racy text, and my little sister happened to look over at my phone and then asked quite loudly, "What does anal mean?” FML
Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML
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Top comments
holeyman 8
I wish my parents were that smart so I didn't have to hear them talk about sex.
Welshite 40
Start talking in their cipher. That will freak them out.
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Comments (137)
ElectriCat 2
Your life sounds amazing
whatthefreshhell 15
same thing. am I right or am I right?
paijus 0
At least you're smart?
austinkr11 3
Ewwwwwwew lmao
ebonyirony 29
That's clever as ****.
koortneyg 12
"anal fisting" anybody else find that disturbing?
KiddNYC1O 22
Yes.
Special_Psycho 8
Very very very disturbing.
vbmg152 19
Wow!
mosquito19 14
who is fisting who? it's a little confusing.
Tjzabel21 2
My parents dont have sex...
jem970 19
Keep believing that. Ignorance is bliss....
jizzwold 21
My parents don't have sex. That is because they are divorced and hate each other.
theslyfox72 3
Dafuq....thats all i have to say