Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I shut the door to the bedroom so my wife and I could have a serious talk. Unfortunately, the cat stuck his paw under the door and started flailing around, causing me to bust up laughing at a bad moment. My wife was furious, threw a water bottle at me, and locked me out overnight. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML
Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML
Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
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Top comments
doggie3 0
Sounds painful.
paivarotti 0
Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.
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Comments (80)
originalusername_fml 0
my friend has a cactus. why is it so hard to believe that some people might happen to have cacti in their houses?
jane99 0
I had a little cactus once. I got it at Walmart :)
ChronicFAIL 0
Do burglars in Georgia always come armed with soup and loving care? You're wife has some wicked fast reflexes to just wake up and be able to defend herself so effectively. She's a keeper.
Kronic_Kitten 0
OMG I laughed my ass off when I read this. I agree those lightning fast refexes are awesome for your wife to have just too bad that she reacted before she realized that it was her husband bringing her a care package. Good choice for a weapon though lol....sorry OP that must've hurt alot.
Lynx324 0
Lmao. A catus? Seriously?
Kronic_Kitten 0
Firsy? What kind of word is firsy?
im_a_dinosaur 0
hahahahhaahhahahaahhahhhhha
gangsterbert 0
I LOL
Ninjaface 0
Obviously she's just pissed at being stuck with a needle every night and wants you to know how it feels for once.
eleni_fml 0
^ win
OMFGwalrus 0
you are a genius.
greenltrn2003 0
first FML to make me lol in a long time and this has to be the best comment stream on earth...rotfl
aero_fml 0
http://www.fmylife.com/miscellaneous/4539697 Read those comments. Hilarious.
Live_And_Let_Liv 0
LOL!!!