Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I shut the door to the bedroom so my wife and I could have a serious talk. Unfortunately, the cat stuck his paw under the door and started flailing around, causing me to bust up laughing at a bad moment. My wife was furious, threw a water bottle at me, and locked me out overnight. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML
Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML
Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
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Top comments
doggie3 0
Sounds painful.
paivarotti 0
Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.
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Comments (80)
carkel 0
one of the few FMLs that have actually made me laugh out loud. so, sorry you got hit with a cactus, but tell your wife she made my day :)
Spongii101 12
I LOLed so hard at this, my Mum just stared at me. :) Epic WIN!
Julianneisasmurf 0
That sucks, but you are a good husband :)
newyorker17 0
Awww, your wife is lucky to have you!
CatherineARE 0
the best way to get the pricks out is to us duck tape trust me it works i have fallen on one (and it hurt) DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE DUCK TAPE **DUCK TAPE** ^^DUCK TAPE^^ @@DUCK TAPE@@ ##DUCK TAPE## %%DUCK TAPE%% &&DUCK TAPE&& ++DUCK TAPE==LESS PAIN
allmidnighteyes 11
DUCT* YOU ******* IDIOT.
A7X5989 0
Duck tape can be used in this situation. Duck tape is a brand of duct tape, it's like saying, "Hey, get me a Kleenex." Kleenex is a brand of tissue. So think before you speak.
Kukua 5
Yeah but Kleenex has become such a household name that people don't use it to refer only to the brand. People only call it duck tape because they don't know it's actually called duct tape.
menschmaschine5 0
And the duck brand includes more than just duct tape. I've seen masking tape with that brand too.
Ohnothingreally 0
Still, no reason to get butthurt about spelling errors. Your/You're Duck tape/Duct tape In the end, it's you who loses for wasting your time on a simple error.
Monie_Madness 0
Those ducks make pretty good tape eh? And OP, the way you worded this was awesome, I LOLed. :D
kingkash 0
ydi for having a cactus... don't you know it's bad fung shu
ChronicFAIL 0
Lmao I think you mean feng shui... But fung shu is funny shit. >.
veliki 0
hahahaha...sorry man..but so hillarious :)
Six_and_the_Moon 3
Your pain made me laugh. Thank you and I'm sorry.
Sweny 0
who keeps a cactus beside their bed??
the_stereotype 0
best weapon ever
DynamicDave 11
Who has a cactus just randomly sitting around?
spazzyjazzy27 0
Who DOESN'T sleep with a cactus on their nightstand?? I know I do, protects me from scary dreams and unwanted soup.
missmasturah 0
Hahahahahahaha ^^ Funny.