Today, my wife got the flu. While she was sleeping, I went out to buy her some soup and other things. When I was walking back through the door, she woke up, thought I was a burglar, and threw the closest thing to her at me. What was it? A cactus. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my wife got me back for hiding a realistic tarantula replica in her underwear drawer. She ground up hot peppers and horseradish and shoved it in my mouth while I slept. I woke up screaming in pain and went to the hospital before she confessed. FML
Today, I returned from a long business trip a day early to surprise my wife. She was sleeping, so I climbed into bed and started spooning her. Thinking I was an intruder, she simultaneously kicked me in the groin, elbowed me in the ribs, and smacked the back of her head into my jaw. FML
Today, I shut the door to the bedroom so my wife and I could have a serious talk. Unfortunately, the cat stuck his paw under the door and started flailing around, causing me to bust up laughing at a bad moment. My wife was furious, threw a water bottle at me, and locked me out overnight. FML
Today, before I went to work, I wanted to kiss my wife goodbye while she was asleep, She punched me. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend by showing up at her apartment early. I climbed through her bedroom window, holding flowers. I got the wrong window. Some old man screamed, hit me with a broom, and called the cops. FML
Today, my wife and I got into an argument. She ran out, yelling. Later, at work, I felt guilty, so I picked up some flowers and a card. When I presented them to her, she looked puzzled. I made the mistake of reminding her about our argument. She is now mad at me, again. FML
Today, my wife and I had a huge fight. I was getting ready to go to sleep on the couch when she came downstairs and grabbed a very large metal spoon. I'm afraid to go to sleep. FML
Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML
Today, my wife woke me up, saying her husband was home and that I needed to escape before he caught me. I was still struggling with the window when I remembered I’m her husband and she was laughing, filming my half-asleep ass trying to escape from being caught by myself cheating with my own wife. Duh. FML
Today, my wife stabbed my hand with a fork, making it bleed. I'd only tried to take some fries from her plate. FML
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Top comments
doggie3 0
Sounds painful.
paivarotti 0
Shove a pineapple up her bajingo.
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Comments (80)
f0rever 0
Nice. On a school trip years ago some genius decided to see what it was like to sit on a cactus.....He was sent home crying.
f0rever 0
I can only imagine BOTH of your reactions.
Kronic_Kitten 0
Slow motion video of this would be absolutely hillarious!!!! OP excliams: WWWWWWWWWWWTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!! as the cactus slowly flies towards him. Her: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMGGGGGGGGGGGGGG SSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY after it hits him :)
ChronicFAIL 0
LMAO. Win points awarded. Congratz.
srak 0
swine flu! run!
moopsy234 0
??? LMAO AHAHAHAA BUGAGAGAGAA OMG!!! I died lol poor cactus that cactus jus got raped!!!
Holly_x 0
That's really sweet of you :) but that sucks lol
Pokenerd 0
Seriously. Who keeps a cactus in their house?
carkel 0
i'm sorry, but your wife... well, she's pretty stupid.
NeonAgatha 0
fyl :/
klasjosh 0
duck face