Today, I bought some crickets as a treat for my lizard. One escaped and somehow got into the heating system in my room. The chirping is amplified and comes from everywhere and nowhere at the same time. Goodbye, restful sleep. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I woke up next to my roommate staring in horror. She said I was singing and farting in my sleep. Loudly. FML
Today, I lost my dog. I looked around my neighborhood for hours, and found him under my bed asleep when I got home. FML
Today, I woke up to my apartment filled with smoke, fire alarms blaring. My roommate set my kitchen on fire while making hot dogs. This is the fourth time this has happened. FML
Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML
Today, as I was changing my sheets, I found a huge spider under my pillow. My 10 year-old sister had to get rid of it for me. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and felt deep breathing on my neck. I screamed, fell off the bed and busted my nose. It was just my cat. FML
Today, at 2 in the morning, a noisy work crew started up in the parking lot next to my apartment. What were they doing at that ungodly hour? Installing a light that now shines right into my window. FML
Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing, and cut through the headphone wire. FML
Today, at work, I jumped under my desk in fear of a nuclear missile attack when the firestation next us let out its new awareness siren. I think I'm going insane. FML
Today, I was talking with a very attractive coworker outside when a moth flew into my ear. I started screaming and hitting my ear because it was stuck and alive in my ear. I spent the rest of the day at the ER. I'm forever known as The Moth Lady. FML
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Top comments
stupidface15 16
at least if theres an awkward silence there will be proper sound effects
Divia1 9
It will die soon and dry up quickly, don't worry. I absolutely despise crickets. if you want to treat your lizard get him hornworms or Phoenix Worms.
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Comments (69)
jimmy_poison 19
Does anyone else think the first sentence of this FML would make a good euphemism? Right, I'm off to feed some crickets to my lizard, bbl
Arzenal 8
Just crank the heater and roast it? Idk good luck finding it.
Queenie2014 11
it's summer
scorpia95 5
Let the lizard into the heating system to go hunt that cricket down!
krad204 21
I've had a cricket get into my computer fan, it just splattered all over the inside..
martin8337 36
It should die from starvation eventually.
SideOfTheAngels 23
That is unfortunate to say the least.
blackonblight 33
Sleep in a different room? May not be the most comfy to crash on the couch, but a few nights should be all it takes before the bug bites it, right?
elcee1987 18
That's the hardest I've laughed at an fml in a while! Sorry op, hang in there!
Vanessa_Leeann26 17
Ah, you'll be fine. Crickets done live too long.
thecrazymancan 17
Just release your lizard into the vents to find it.