Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry Potter porn in the living room. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML
Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML
Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML
Today, while helping my dad look for his watch, I found his porn collection. FML
Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML
Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML
Today, me and my dad were in a sort of prank war. I decided to get him back for one last time tonight, so I hid in his office to scare him. This would have been okay had I not caught him watching porn. I had to hide for an hour. FML
Today, I was babysitting for my mom's coworkers two little boys. they went to bed around 9 and I was watching a movie on HBO. I fell asleep before the movie was over. I woke up to the parents walking into the house. I looked at the TV, and porn was on. FML
Today, my dad walked into my room, threw some magazines on my bed, and calmly said, "You left your porn in the bathroom again." FML
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Top comments
iAlissa 34
That's a huge Dumbledon't
pokemyeyes 23
"Polishing his wand" *gag* Graphic choice of words there op
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Comments (101)
MrSassypants 34
Which one was he watching? Sorcerer's bone? Chamber of *****? Prisoner of Ass-kablam? Goblet of desire? The order of penis? The half-boned prince? The sexy hallows? Also, the sexy hallows part two for some reason?
thisguy22 33
I really want to know if those are actual titles, or if you crafted them from your oddly sexual imagination. I'm kind of scared to look.
MrSassypants 34
Both. My imagination is so strong it becomes real.
RedPillSucks 33
this is scary and disgusting and I want to watch all at the same time.
walrustuskanal 9
no no, I think you're talking about horny potter and the sorcerer's balls.
AcieMcG 21
I'd like to be Mrs.SassyPants XD dying lol
goozeo 11
Ass-kablam = perfect hahaha
americanafrican 32
i believe it is the deathly swallows part one and two
Sicxlilsis 16
This is so funny hahahaha x)
PotatoesAndCake 26
I'd hate to know what kind of spells he does with it
beeferjay 34
giggedy giggedy
xTommytheGUNx 15
giggity*
Tripartita 45
Considering a new Star Wars movie is coming out, it's a good thing you didn't catch him force-choking his chicken to some wookie-on-wookie action.
samdel12 10
That's enough internet for today I think...
FreeTheRainbow 14
Gems like these are why I explore the Internet.
LowExpectations 30
Gems on the internet? More like turd mining if you ask me.
isisorchid 16
Well. That'll teach you to be sneaky.
rvontr88 21
The puns are really killing me... Terrible.
kaitb1103 23
All I can say is; changing wands to willies is hilarious. '"Both Sirius and Snape lowered their willies... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses... "But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley. "Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run ...a long distance."'
RedPillSucks 33
Harry potter **** fiction? Will it be better than twilight?
americanafrican 32
anything is better than twighlight
worldclassrager 41
I love the way this was worded...very creative
HollyQuinn 21
Oh. My. God. No.