Today, I snuck downstairs to watch a midnight movie. One moment I'm trying to plug my headphones in, in the dark, and the next my dad's beating the shit out of me with a baseball bat. Turns out he snuck down after me for a midnight snack and thought I was a burglar disconnecting the TV. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got up at 2 AM to grab a snack. I quietly crept down the stairs, only to find my dad, mom, and a couple of their friends having a secret poker game. Now they think I have a sleepwalking problem. FML
Today, my dad reactivated a digital clock we had lying around, and accidentally set an alarm on it. For 1 a.m.. So guess who went hunting for that noise in the middle of night. And guess who banished the thing to the living room, then forgot about it, and slept on the sofa in said living room. Or tried to. FML
Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML
Today, after making fun of my dad for years because he falls asleep in front of the TV every night by 9:30, I sat down “just for a minute” after work and woke up at 2 a.m. fully dressed, lights on, with Netflix asking if I was still watching, and a half-eaten wrap stuck to my chest. FML
Today, I woke up to shuffling noises coming from downstairs. Suspecting the worst, I jumped out of bed, and whispered over my shoulder for my girlfriend to stay quiet. Only after going downstairs and taking a swing in the dark with my bat did I figure out it was just my girlfriend foraging for snacks. FML
Today, I awoke in the midst of the night to find my half-naked dad drunkenly arguing with the microwave. FML
Today, I was sneaking over to my girlfriend's house. I sent her mother a text message thinking it was my girlfriend saying "There's a stalker coming in to make you his play mate ;]" Unfortunately when I got to her window I was greeted by her dad with a bat. FML
Today, I found out the hard way that my dad sleeps in the nude, when I rushed into my parents room at 3 a.m. to inform them that there was a bat in the house. FML
Today, I tried to sneak into the kitchen for a midnight snack. I stubbed my toe so hard on a stool leg, I yelped then tried to keep as quiet as possible. My mom came running, thinking our cat and dog were fighting and hissing again. I hobbled back to bed, only to realize I didn't actually get any food. FML
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Top comments
MrsHaxxo 22
At least he is trying to protect his family.
Hoopachi 19
Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!
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Comments (82)
feven 32
Oh god. I hope you're okay
friedpwnadge 25
He really knows how to lay down a beat. Maybe he should become a DJ.
derpina72 23
Sorry OP...On the bright side...if it really had been a burglar, you know your dad can defend you!
MrsHaxxo 22
At least he is trying to protect his family.
TheBelt 19
He was having a snack attack.
feven 32
His family or the T.V.? Lol.
MrsHaxxo 22
maybe both :p
SystemofaBlink41 27
Maybe he considers his TV family.
gerrags 16
Be glad it wasn't me, I have a machete next to my bed.
theTravinator 21
#29 Maybe he really likes the abc family channel?
MrConcise 35
#29 - I think a lot of people do. TV isn't the best parent, friend, and babysitter, but it's by far the best mix of the three.
ThatHorse 15
There's a reason the police are required by law to announce their presence before opening fire on anyone, even if they *know* beyond any doubt the person they're aiming at is the guy they want. Shit like this is the reason.
Hoopachi 19
Holy crap? What happened afterwards?? Hope you're okay OP!
PenguinBitch 44
The mom tasered then both, not because she thought it was a burglar, but for the snacks.
Emzinatorbot 26
#18 I am disappointed that you did not say "for ***** and giggles"
uglyheadedbitch 20
Shit ******
chefnoel22 11
Hahaha well maybe next time have a light on?
ItsDutch 16
Doesn't that defeat the purpose of sneaking?
BoxFullOfLazy 25
Well he obviously was trying not to disturb anyone, hence the headphones, so why would he turn on a light?
shinxanta 21
You're not a bright one, are you?
fantasyworld 39
Hope you're ok.
CARCA55 12
Or at least that's what he claims to have thought
meggieeeee92 27
By you having to sneak downstairs, does this mean you were going to watch something naughty? Anyway, I hope everything is okay.
Hoopachi 19
Or it could mean she was just being consderate and not trying to wake up the entire house…
VeganDarkLight 31
Or he isn't allowed to watch TV at night.
lyricalservant 21
#8 strange question. You must have done that before, huh?
laden_swallow09 35
What, you haven't, 46?
Codezlol 21
Now that's what I call a snack-attack!!
IAmzephyr 22
why would you have to be so sneaky to watch a movie?
Merylwen 24
Because teenagers are not usually allowed to watch a movie in the middle of the night before a school day. AKA parenting. Or OP was just trying to be quiet to avoid waking up anyone.
LordMuffin11 15
I've had insomnia most of my life and my mom has always been a really light sleeper. When I had a bad night of sleep, I would have to sneak downstairs just to be nice to my mom. Maybe it's the same sort of situation for the op.