Today, it's been three weeks since I’ve seen my kids. My ex just decided that I was a safety concern after we had 50/50 for almost two years. Now I just gotta wait until I can see a lawyer. FML
Today, I've known that I'm too nice for a long time, so I've been trying to become more assertive. Unfortunately, my Avoidant Personality Disorder is not receptive to the idea. For those of you who don't know, a crippling sensitivity to criticism and rejection is the most prominent symptom. Fuck. FML
Today, both my mom and dad agreed I basically ruined their life by existing. They weren’t even trying to be mean, they just casually mentioned that their lives were brilliant before me, then after I was born everything turned to shit and they’ve been miserable ever since. FML
Today, I woke up to a flooded apartment. Apparently, the upstairs neighbor's bathtub had overflowed and water was pouring through my ceiling. My landlord said he couldn't do anything until the water stopped, so I spent the morning frantically trying to mop up the water while feeling completely helpless. FML
Today, I realized i'm practically incapable of actually getting a job. I'm 19 years-old, with no workforce experience, I frequently apply to jobs and regularly follow up with them on a consistent basis, yet they still ghost or reject me outright. These are minimum wage, starter-level jobs. FML
Today, I finally had some alone time to relax and watch a movie. As soon as I pressed play, my neighbor started blasting their music so loud I could feel the bass in my chest. I tried calling the landlord, but they didn't answer. I ended up watching the movie with subtitles while listening to my neighbor's music. FML
Today, I was on a date with a guy and we decided to go see a movie. As we were walking in, I saw my ex-boyfriend with his new girlfriend. I tried to avoid them, but my left heel got caught in a crack in the pavement and I fell face-first onto the ground. My ex and his girlfriend saw me, laughed, and walked off. FML
Today, it's been a few days since I moved into a new apartment and was excited to finally have a balcony. I went out to enjoy the view, but as I leaned against the railing, it gave way and I fell two stories onto the pavement below. I ended up with a broken leg and a huge medical bill. FML
Today, I got extremely winded from adjusting my blanket. What a workout. FML
Today, I told my boss I was too sick to come to work. He asked if I had a late night, so I told him I stayed in. Apparently I ran into him at a bar last night and was too drunk to remember it. FML
Today, I finally got an interview for the job I want. The interviewer looked at my resumé and asked, "So, what have you been doing for the past 10 years?" I guess binge-watching Netflix wasn't the right answer. FML
Today, I got flustered by the gorgeous sandwich artist at Subway and ordered a “meat-long foot-ball.” On Rye of course. FML
Today, despite me being a master-level carpenter, and my art sells for thousands, I heard my mom telling her snobby friends how embarrassed she is of me because I’m “basically unemployed” and waste my time on “hobby crafts” like a teenage nerd instead of getting “a real job” and finding a wife. FML
Today, time is going by way too fast and I don't know what I'm even doing with my life anymore. I realized all I do is sit in bed all day and mope. I'm such a boring person. How did this happen? FML
Today, I got up early because I had a bunch of work to do. It's now 11:50 p.m and I still haven't managed to get anything done. FML
Today, I learnt that I am going to have to cut back on what is already a skinny budget to afford my kid's childcare cost increase. I earn in the 97th percentile. FML
Today, the guy I had to let go because he told me he didn’t “want a relationship or anything serious” started becoming exclusive with someone else. This is the fourth guy this has happened with. What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to date? FML
Today, the woman who wanted a relationship, sent me heart kisses multiple times a day every day, and claimed that everything was perfect, bailed on me after I asked her if she could fit in one more than the current four days a month we see each other. FML
Today, I sent my boss a picture of my cat instead of the report I was supposed to send. He replied, "Maybe I should've hired him instead of you." FML
Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML
Today, I learned that I've been saying a word wrong my whole life and all my friends have been too polite to correct me, when I found out that "Segue" and "Segway" are pronounced the same. FML
Today, I tried to use a fancy new hairstyling tool and ended up getting my hair tangled in it. I had to cut a chunk of my hair off to free myself. FML
Today, I went to the dentist for a routine cleaning. As I was leaving, the receptionist told me to "have a nice day" and I replied, "You too, love you!" then I went back home and roasted in the embarrassment for an hour or two. FML
Today, I’ve spent ages trying to achieve the shade of red hair, getting various similar tattoos, and getting green contacts so I can be the exact replica of the girl my ex-fiancé left me for so I can win him back. He still prefers to be with her. What else am I missing then? FML
Today, I tried to show off my basketball skills to a cute girl at the park. I went up for a dunk and ended up getting stuck in the net, hanging upside down while everyone laughed at me. FML
Today, it's been twelve years, seven months, and fifteen days since my wife has wanted sex. She was drunk. She no longer drinks. Guess my name is Job now and I have to be patient. FML
Today, I am a grown ass man and I cry when someone is slightly rude to me. I pretend to own my extreme emotional sensitivity, but when push comes to shove, I hate it. I wish I could be more assertive but I just can't. What is wrong with me? FML
Today, my brother-in-law introduced my son to Andrew Tate videos. FML
Today, I spent an hour cleaning up cat hair from every surface in my house, only for my cat to immediately jump up on the counter and shed her fur all over again. I guess I'll just admit defeat. FML
Today, I found myself watching Masterchef UK and was excited because there was an attractive female contestant. I then went on to imagine us getting married and being together forever. Man I am lonely, but more importantly need to get out more. FML
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