Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML
Today, I had my first wet dream. I woke up sweating and soaking wet. Too bad I dreamed about having intense sex with a cardboard box. FML
Today, while I was eating cereal, my mother thought it would be appropriate to grab the bowl and start spoon-feeding me while making airplane noises, again. I'm 19. FML
nela25 tells us more.
I'm actually just visiting my mom over the summer, since I'm off from college. I burst out laughing when she did this, and thought this post would make people smile. There's nothing bad about what she did. So before some of you start making assumptions saying I'm a cranky old fart and what not, take a reality check and shut that smart ass mouth of yours. Good day.
Today, while taking my boyfriend's virginity, he started moaning, "Oh God! Oh God! Oh God!" He then started crying and praying. FML
Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were going at it doggy style, really fast, when she started laughing. I asked her what was so amusing and she giggled, "I can't feel anything in there." FML
Today, my girlfriend wanted to try something new in the bedroom, so she got an assortment of different sized cock rings. She laughed when the one we were trying to use kept falling off, and said to try a smaller one. It was the smallest in the set. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I attempted some bondage for the first time. Within seconds of the handcuffs being put on, I went into a serious panic attack. I was playing the dominant; my girlfriend was the one in cuffs. FML
vanillaforme tells us more.
Hey, OP here. Here are some more details, for those curious: - All FMLs must begin with the word "Today", but this actually happened a couple of years ago. My GF and I are still together. - Yes, it was a full-blown panic attack, and the only one I've ever had in my life. Never having experienced one before, I thought it was something like a heart attack. What got edited out of the FML was that we actaully called paramedics and I ended up in emergency. - We got the handcuffs off and some normal clothes on my GF (I was already fully clothed) before the paramedics arrived, so there was no need for embarrassing explanations. For a minute though, it was a real concern. - I still don't know what exactly the trigger was. Both my GF and I were pretty nervous and weren't really enjoying ourselves. (We should have stopped when it was clear that neither of us really wanted to continue, but we figured we would try anyway.) I think her anxiety contributed to mine, eventually leading to the panic attack. - We *did* try again a few weeks afterward, when we were both much more "in the mood." No panic attack that time, but we pretty much confirmed that neither of us liked being restrained before or during sex. We both had fantasies about this sort of thing, which is what led us to try it in the first place, but reality proved much different than our imaginations. - For those wondering, they were simple police-style handcuffs, not anything specifically made for bondage play.
Today, I received some unwanted anal sex tips. They were unwanted because I'm not into anal sex, and the tips came from my drunk mom. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "Uh-huh," "Not too bad," and "Yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML
Today, my boyfriend's dream came true; he had always wanted to break a bed during sex. The bed he broke was a heirloom in my family for 150 years. The best part? He was by himself. FML
Today, I found out that even though my boyfriend thinks that peeing on me in the shower is acceptable, he will still freak out and call me disgusting if I try to use the toilet while he's taking a shower. FML
Today, the doctor told my husband that he is infertile due to slow sperm. As if this is not upsetting enough, my husband blames it on me. According to him, his sperm doesn't get 'aroused' because I'm not sexy enough. FML
Today, my husband removed the TV from our bedroom to improve our sex life. Still no sex because he watches TV on his iPhone. FML
Today, I was at the store, when I saw my boyfriend in line in front of me. I looked to see what he was purchasing; it was a pack of condoms. When I questioned him, he said that, "They're for us, babe!" We already have an unopened pack at home, and it's my time of the month. FML
Today, my doctor told me that I suffer from orgasm migraines. Basically, I get an intense migraine that lasts for hours after I have an orgasm. FML
Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML
Today, I was getting freaky with my boyfriend and told him to spank me. In a seductive voice, he told me not to tell him what to do. Continuing, I asked him how he was going to punish me, to which he then replied, "I'm going to punch you straight in the face." FML
Today, trying to flirt with a girl, I was trying to make it out as if I had a great sex life. I got stuck between saying "100% customer satisfaction" and "no complaints" and blurted out "100% customer complaints." FML
Today, my girlfriend said she wanted to get a little crazy and try some role-play. "Act like you don't want it," she said. Without thinking, I replied, "Well, that should be easy." FML
Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML
Today, my girlfriend guilted me into roleplaying as Justin Bieber before and during sex. I now feel physically ill. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML
Today, my girlfriend was sitting on my lap at a birthday party. She thought it would be funny to fart. I came instantly. FML
Today, I placed a Bible app next to an app I use for porn, in the hope that it will encourage me to watch less porn. I'm a girl. FML
lilly1105 tells us more.
lilly1105 10
Y'all made me laugh and rethink my **** watching, thanks!
Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML
Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML
Today, my boyfriend insisted that I start calling him "Professor Fucktard" in the bedroom. He seems to be dead serious about it. FML
Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
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