Miscellaneous

It takes strength to be gentle and kind

Today, I was small talking with an elderly man, who told me that nobody cares about him. Even though I had only known him for an hour, to try and make him feel a little better I told him I care about him. He then called me a creep, stomped his cane onto my foot, and walked off. FML

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

Today, my grandmother tried to upstage me at my wedding by wearing an actual wedding dress because she "never had a real wedding". FML

Today, I put up one of those hanging fly catchers in my room due to the unsettling amount of flies in the house. I remarked how stupid flies were to land on them. Within an hour, I got up and walked straight into it. FML

Today, I came home from a four month stay in Africa, where I managed to avoid suffering any serious illness. Some hours after my first meal back at home, I got food poisoning. FML

Today, I learned what live maggots in chocolate cake taste like. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me with my "best friend" while I was away on vacation. She is now writing on her blog about how heartbreaking the whole situation is for her, and how she's "stuck in the middle of all this." FML

Call the cops

Today, it's been over three months since my housemates ended their one month long relationship. He's still creepily obsessed with her. He picked the bathroom lock when I was in the shower and tried to get in, and then called me a "fucking c*nt" when he realised it was me in there, not her. FML

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

Today, I found a pound of cooked bacon in the dryer. When I asked my roommate about it, he confessed; his excuse was that he wanted to dry up the grease before eating it. FML

Today, I got cut from my track team. My coach told me it was because my sprints were "too fast" for his liking. Huh? FML

Today, I briefly left my laptop while I went to use the toilet. When I came back, I found "I" had posted on Facebook, calling my mom a "stupid cunt who should just stay in the kitchen." The only other person home at the time was my grandpa. She didn't believe it, and permanently grounded me. FML

Today, a girl was telling me how she was very stressed over her parents' divorce and moving away to another part of the state. While I was listening, I started choking on my saliva. She thought I was laughing. She hasn't spoken to me since. FML

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

Today, I grabbed a pair of pants from the dryer in a hurry, trying to make it to the bank. When I rushed in, I felt something fall down my leg. It was a pair of my mom's granny panties that had been stuck inside my jeans. I kicked them aside, hoping no one would notice. They did. FML

Today, I found out that the catchy Japanese song I've been obsessed with for the past week is actually about a dildo. FML

Today, I admitted to my parents that I'm a pathological liar and I would like to go get help. They didn't believe me, and told me stop making stuff up. FML

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

Today, my mother accused me of stealing pills; she looked all over my room and couldn't find them. When she went back to the pantry, she saw them on the shelf below where they were supposed to be. She then accused me of putting them there while she was searching my room. FML

Today, my 25 year-old brother dumped all my underwear into the fireplace for interrupting him while he was playing WoW. FML

Today, while trying to find my phone in the depths of the sheets on my bed, I gave my comforter a huge shake. A second later, I heard a crash. My phone had miraculously flown straight into the glass of water on my nightstand. Found it. FML

Today, I was dying my hair a subtly different color. It was only supposed to turn my hair a shade or two lighter, but it seems someone at the store thought it would be funny to switch the dye in the boxes around. My hair is purple. FML

Today, I found out that Yale had actually accepted me 17 years ago. My mother apparently burned my acceptance package and letters because she didn't want me to upstage her UChicago degree. FML

Today, I just remembered that I changed my Gmail display name to "Rice Ball" out of privacy-paranoia a while back. I've been using this same email to apply to several professional jobs. FML

Yummy

Today, my boyfriend said he felt like eating icing. So I baked him cupcakes, put icing on them and decorated them. When I handed them to him, he picked off the decoration, licked the icing and handed the cupcake back to me, saying, "I told you that's all I wanted." FML

Today, I baked my friend a cake for his 21st birthday. When I arrived at his house, his girlfriend, who hadn't made him anything, screamed at me for "making her look bad." She then took the cake, banned me from the party, and kicked me out. FML