Today, I tried to seduce the girl I like by telling a joke. It turns out my delivery was so bad that she asked if I was auditioning for a new version of "The Room." FML
Today, I didn't realise that after leaving my ex for someone else that I would need to be a therapist for all of his friends. He was such a garbage human being that he not only drove his friends away, but they all contacted me because I was the only one who "truly understood" how self-absorbed he was. FML
Today, I'm not saying I need to get out a bit more, but the highlight of my week was when I beat my high score on Subway Surfers. FML
Today, the guy I had to let go because he told me he didn’t “want a relationship or anything serious” started becoming exclusive with someone else. This is the fourth guy this has happened with. What’s wrong with me? Why am I not good enough to date? FML
Today, I sent my husband a bra and panties pic. He simply “Liked” it on iMessage. Yet he always comments, “Beautiful, hot, gorgeous, sexy, etc.” on bikini models he follows on Instagram’s photos, along with lovey dovey emojis. FML
Today, the woman who wanted a relationship, sent me heart kisses multiple times a day every day, and claimed that everything was perfect, bailed on me after I asked her if she could fit in one more than the current four days a month we see each other. FML
Today, and recently, I've had a crush on a woman, we've and texting for a while. She always replies instantly and very positively, but she never asks about me or initiates anything. I have no idea whether I have a chance, but probably not. There are very limited signs. FML
Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML
Today, date night with my boyfriend. I had my makeup done, fake lashes, etc. He was staring at me and I thought, "Oh, he loves how my eyes look" so I started flirting a lot, fluttering my lashes. We then took a pic and saw my lashes were falling, so I asked, ”Were they like that the whole night?” He replied, “Yeah, it looked weird.” FML
Today, I received a message from a weird guy that's been stalking me online. Apparently, he travelled 4 hours last weekend to go to the same event as me, just to stare at me. He knew a LOT of details. He never spoke to me because that would "have been weird". I don't know what he looks like, so didn't recognise him. FML
Today, I learned that when you're talking about your girlfriend's 6'4", 250 lb dad in a negative way, you should really make sure he isn't around first. FML
Today, I found out my long-distance boyfriend was trying to pick fights with me and start pointless arguments because he wanted a ticket out of the relationship. He wanted to find a reason to break up with me, rather than confess he has a local girlfriend. FML
Today, I sent a love letter I'd written meant for my crush to a friend so she could evaluate my prose before I actually sent it to him. For some reason, my emotions got the best of me, and I mistakenly CC'd my mom. She replied with three crying-with-laughter emojis. FML
Today, I tried to surprise my girlfriend with breakfast in bed. Instead, I spilled hot coffee all over her and the bed. We ended up spending the morning doing laundry instead of cuddling. FML
Today, I meant to surprise my boyfriend by baking him a cake. When I took it out of the oven, I realized I had accidentally used salt instead of sugar. He tried to eat it anyway, and ended up spitting chunks of it out all over me. FML
Today, I’ve spent ages trying to achieve the shade of red hair, getting various similar tattoos, and getting green contacts so I can be the exact replica of the girl my ex-fiancé left me for so I can win him back. He still prefers to be with her. What else am I missing then? FML
Today, I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I go on Instagram to find that the girl I rejected for her just announced her engagement. This girl literally moved mountains for me for years and my selfish ass didn’t wanna go out with her, all because my girlfriend was hotter. I’m a dumbass. FML
Today, during the party for my last day at my old job, my office wife professed her love for me. We’re both married, we have no chemistry, and I’ve been dumping my work on her for three years. FML
Today, I encouraged my boyfriend to get out of the house more often. So he did. He went out on a date. FML
Today, I went on a blind date. Not only I had already been on a date with the guy before, we'd also had both forgotten about it until halfway through the dinner. FML
Today, it’s almost half past midnight. I received a drunken voicemail from my husband saying that he won’t be coming home tonight because he’s too drunk to drive, but don’t worry, he’s staying at "Cindy’s house", safe and sound. Who's Cindy? FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend of 3 years actually believes that the Earth is flat. FML
Today, and for a while now, my phone has been autocorrecting "I love you" to "I lobsters." My girlfriend almost believes I have some sort of a seafood fetish. FML
Today, I went to see a movie by myself and ended up sitting next to a couple on a first date, who spent the whole movie whispering to each other. FML
Today, I found myself watching Masterchef UK and was excited because there was an attractive female contestant. I then went on to imagine us getting married and being together forever. Man I am lonely, but more importantly need to get out more. FML
Today, I woke up to find my girlfriend not sleeping next to me. I go to my car and found a plethora of printed screenshots of me commenting things like, “So hot babe”, “Beautiful! I’d tap that” and other compliments on my female friends’ pictures on Facebook. My girlfriend’s not picking up her phone. FML
Today, I was waiting to surprise my partner with a romantic dinner, only to find out after about two hours they had moved out without telling me. FML
Today, I found out that my lovely, amazing boyfriend likes to pee in everything other than the toilet. This includes: Hawaiian punch jugs, the sink, empty cans/bottles, and out of my window. FML
Today, my first kiss was caught by my mom's doorbell camera which links to her phone. She uploaded the video to Facebook, along with a soppy comment about her baby girl becoming all grown up. Most of my school has seen and commented on it already. FML
Today, I was arguing with my husband and he screamed at me to the point of tears. He asked, “Why are you crying? Last night we had rough sex where I spanked you, threw you around in bed, called you names, and you enjoyed that shit.” FML
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